My good cousin told me,
" J'ai trouvé la nécrologie de Marilyn Maxwell sur l'internet! Mon vieux, abandonne cette folie! Elle est disparue ! Le petit déjeuner est servi, viens manger une omelette au fromage avec moi."
While eating our omelete with cheese, I told him he shouldn't believe everything he reads on the internet ! Even I know that, even with a brain the size of a walnut I know better. I told him I would go to California and find Marilyn Maxwell, and that would prove that she was alive. I made a deal to bring him back her autograph.
When I arrived in California I found many things to distract me; First of all I enjoyed the warm weather, and I ate every palm tree I could find ! Oh, were they good ! I went to San Francisco where I met a group of homosexual people who were so kind as to compliment me on my recent plate lift, claw manicure and pedicure. They regretted I had no hair, otherwise they'd offer to let me wear a flower; I confessed I would probably eat the flower anyway. I left them disappointed.
I thought maybe I should look up my old friend Tony Bennett; since I was in San Francisco maybe I could help him find his heart; I know he's been saying for years and years that he left it here somewhere, but then I remembered that I had come here to find lovely Marilyn Maxwell. So being tired from walking up all those hills, ( as I am far too big for those little cable cars, ) I went to the pacific and rested my claws in the water.
I saw a few young people trying to ride the water on little boards; they called this surfing, and it looks like a great deal of fun, but again I was too big for their equiptment. In the end I decided that I'll leave the swimming to my friends Ichthyosaurus and plesiosaurus. I tried to teach my surfer friends the lindy hop, but when my feet started stomping around and I swung my tail about I frightened them away.
I felt bad about that, but it reminded me I was on a quest to find Marllyn Maxwell. Having rested my claws I set off again for Hollywood, but before I got there I was distracted by the famous Playboy Mansion. I had to stop in and visit my old friend Mr. Hugh Hefner; I will always be in debt to him for financing the restoration of my cinema debut, The Lost World; even if none of my scenes were lost. So I stopped by and drank martinis with Hef, while relaxing to the music of David Dorn, Bob James, and the Ramsey Lewis Trio. I wanted to ask Hef if he'd seen Marilyn Maxwell about, but before I could ask him, I was distracted by a couple of playmates. I tried to teach the lindy hop to Miss July and Miss August, who to their credit were not afraid of me. They were rather amused and had a great time.
While I was there, Hef was visited by his friend Ron Jeremy, and an interesting proposal was suggested when we put our heads together. Would I like to star in a softcore pornography movie ? Mr. Jeremy asked.
Well, I've done many things in the movie industry over the years, as I've documented; and I do have a brief nude scene in the original Godzilla film, if you look closely.... ( don't blink or you'll miss it ) but I hadn't done anything like that before... and you know what, there's a first time for everything. I'm always up to trying new things. I asked Hef if he thought Marilyn Maxwell would mind, and he reminded me that she'd done a short lived burleseque show around 1968. This alleviated my concerns and we went ahead with the stegosaurus porn photo shoot.
We had fun doing it, and filming will commence in the fall, when we've cast my leading lady, and I return from political business in Colorado. I'll let you know how things progress. Just keep watching my blog !
As much fun as it was at the Playboy Mansion, I eventually remembered my quest. I wanted to find Marilyn at last, and prove my cousin wrong. As much as I love him, I was determined to prove him wrong.
Bidding good day to Hef and Ron, I went on my way in quest of my one true love, Marilyn Maxwell. In the back of my mind, I began to fear that maybe Lexovissaurus was right; I couldn't find Marilyn anywhere.
I made it to Hollywood at last, and looked everywhere I could think of. I found a lot of friends there, mostly in the Screen Actors' Guild ; I spent an afternoon with my buddies Issac Hayes and George Clinton, who took the time to teach me how to be cool. And for the second time I regretted I had no hair; everytime I hang out with George I wish I had coloured dreadlocks like his. In spite of my lack of hair, my two friends helped to add a little more funk into my dance steps.
Eventually I swaggered my way up to visit my old friends Dolores Hope and Katherine Grant - Crosby. I resolved that if anyone knew the whereabouts of Marilyn Maxwell it would be them.
They were happy to see me; and we spent a pleasant afternoon sipping tea and reminiscing over old times.
I looked around both homes for Bob and Bing, as I wanted to talk to them very much; but I didn't see them around. I asked my friends about Marilyn's whereabouts, but they both told me, " Stegosaurus, she has gone with Bing and Bob. "
" That explains it, " says I. And they were surprised. " You aren't sad ?" asked Dolores.
"No, I am not, for my quest is at an end, " I rejoined to my legendary interlocutoress.
" Stegosaurus, let me explain, " said Katherine Grant - Crosby, but I was so excited over the success of my mission that I said, " There is no need; I understand it all ; everything makes sense now. My only regret is that I cannot bring back an autograph for my cousin. "
" I know you are too late, " said Dolores in a sympathetic tone. I do not understand why she spoke in such a manner, but I was in too much of a hurry to return home and inform my cousin of my discovery.
Upon my return I sent my cousin an email explaining the situation, as to why I felt Marilyn was alive, but I could not bring him an autograph.
" Both Bing and Bob are not at home either, " said I. " Dolores Hope told me that Marilyn has gone with Bing and Bob, and so it is obvious since they aren't home right now... they must be on a USO tour together ! It's the only logical explanation ! I confess, there were times I feared you might be right, Lexovissaurus, the truth took so long to discover, but it seems to me that the sources I have are reliable, and I have no reason to doubt their honesty." And to his credit, even without Marilyn's autograph, Lexovissaurus believes me.
