"My friends," said Wooly Mammoth, "Welcome to the Holy Pentecostal Church of the Pleistocene Revival."

"Today, we join for a sad occasion, our friend Western Black Rhino, has become extinct. We wish to him, and his friends and family the eternal peace and comfort of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

As Western Black Rhino begins his journey to that cold land of extinction, let us extend our prayers of blessing to him through Lord Jesus.

The comfort of the Ages has been given through the Lord's 23rd Psalm of David. Let us read it now.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shalt not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth my beside quiet waters
And he restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me to the path of righteousness for His Name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of extinction, I will fear no evil
For thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointeth my head with oil, my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
And I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forevermore.

Amen. Let us turn now, my friends, my brothers and sisters to St. John. Let us read 14:2~6.

In My Father's House there are many mansions. If it were not so, I would have told you.
I go there to prepare a place for you, Western Black Rhino, that where I go, ye may be also.

And whither I go, ye know and the way ye know.

His disciples, they questioned him; and Thomas said, "Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how shall we know the way?"

Jesus replied, brothers and sisters, He said, " I AM the way, the truth, and the light. No man cometh onto the Father except by me."

Amen. Amen.

Let us turn now, brothers and sisters to our final reading: some wisdom from the Book of Wisdom. Please turn to chapter three.

"But the souls of the just are in the hand of God.
And no torment shall touch them.

In the sight of the unwise they seemed to become extinct: and their departure taken for misery.
And their going from us to be utter destruction, but they are in peace.

For though they be punished in the sight of mammals, yet is their hope full of immortality.

And having been a little chastised, they shall be greatly rewarded; for God proved them, and found them worthy of Himself."

Brothers and Sisters, our friend Western Black Rhino is Worthy of the Lord and shall be rewarded. Let us all say,

Amen. Amen. Amen.

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Friends, Brothers and Sisters, let us meet in the Fellowship Hall, where we may share memories and offer our condolences to Western Black Rhino."

The mourners filed out and went single file into the Fellowship Hall, where Western Black Rhino was waiting, obviously feeling down and looking glum.

"Let me be the first to offer my condolences," said Stegosaurus.

"I'm not sure I know how to handle this being extinct thing," said Western Black Rhino. "It really sucks."

"You never get over it, but you learn how to live with being extinct," said Stegosaurus. "If you ever have any questions or need any help don't hesitate to ask me. I'll be glad to help in any way that I can. My cousins are here to offer their condolences as well."

"Peace of the Lord Jesus be with you, Western Black Rhino," said Kentrosaurus. "I want you to know that even though you are a mammal you will be my brother in Christ. I am Stegosaurus' cousin Kentrosaurus, and I work here at Wooly Mammoth's church as a groundskeeper. If you need anything, I am here to help you."

"I am Stegosaurus' Chinese cousin Wuerhosaurus," said Wuerhosaurus. "I have come all the way from China by my traditional method of slow boat. Fortunately it was fast enough to get me here in time to offer my deepest condolences to you upon the sad news of your extinction. I want you to know that I will do anything I can to make you more comfortable. We all have experience in being extinct here, and we can help you adjust in this transitional period of your life."

"Et je suis le cousin de Stegosaurus, Lexovissaurus, de France, Vous avez mes sympathies sur vos récentes nouvelles de votre extinction, et les sympathies de mon épouse, qui ne pouvait pas être ici aujourd'hui car elle étudit pour un examen à Oxford en Angleterre. Veuillez accepter nos condoléances et si nous pouvons faire n'importe quoi pour vous aider, laissez-nous savoir. Peut-être un jour vous aimeriez visiter le beau pays de France. Vous êtes toujours bienvenue."

"I can relate to how you feel," said Quagga. "When I became extinct the mammals didn't know it for more than a decade. Extinction can be difficult, especially at first. I too, offer my support to you at this time. If I can do anything for you at all, please don't hesitate to let me know."

"Western Black Rhino, I am an Upland Moa, a representative of the thirteen extinct Moa species of New Zealand. We are all here for you, friend. Like Quagga, we were killed off by the mammals, so we understand your situation very well. We are all here to help you, and you may visit us in New Zealand any time."

"Thank you all so very much," said Western Black Rhino. "I do not know if I will ever get used to being extinct, but having so many friends around me I cannot feel alone. This will always mean a lot to me. I hope I can find a way to repay such generosity."

In Boulder, Colorado today Stegosaurus held a press conference to thank his friends at the Smithsonian Institution for naming him as one of the 101 Objects that made America.

101 objects that made America #15: Stegosaurus


"Thank you ladies and gentlemen for taking the time to come out and listen to my remarks. I am so grateful to the Smithsonian Institution for recognizing the influence that I have had on American culture, and for giving me a wonderful home. They have recognized what my father O.C. Marsh observed last week, (or maybe it was back in March of 1877) that I was " ... one of the most remarkable animals yet discovered." Kind of makes up for my friend Charlie Knight calling me "Hopelessly stupid." But I forgive him, and thank him too, for drawing and painting all those pictures of me and my friends that also contributed to my enduring popularity.

I would like to thank all the small children who love me for some reason, and the toy manufacturers who have made all those toys that the children play with ( even the inaccurate ones ) and all the books and stories small children read that encourage them to become paleontologists when they grow up. I really feel, understandably that paleontology is one of the most important and underrated jobs a mammal can hold.

I'd like to thank the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Sciences for all the movies and cartoons I have appeared in since 1925. Especially Willis 'O Brien and Ray Harryhausen, my friends at The Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild Local 14065 for ensuring a safe work environment and fair labor practices for the almost 90 years that I have worked in motion pictures.

I'd like to thank my agent at the Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild Local 14065; She's really big in the industry because she's an Argentinosaurus. She's gotten me most of my gigs over the years and I really appreciate her.

I'd like to thank all the authors throughout history that have written about me, given me adventures and other imaginative things to do in my post extinction life. Especially Edgar Rice Burroughs who let me glide on my spiff, sexy plates; he knows my not so secret dream of evolving wings and flying away.

David H. Koch gives $35M to The Smithsonian Institution

Finally, I'd also really like to thank David H. Koch for giving the Smithsonian Institution $35 million to refurbish my home there. It will be nice to have some remodeling done, and I will say that I approve of it even though the Stegosaurus Construction Company did not get the contract.

Thank you all so very much. I'm flattered and honored to receive this recognition today."