In late September, just before the start of the Fall season, Stegosaurus stomped forthrightly to Scotland to visit his friend Plesiosaur before his semester started at school. On the banks of Loch Ness, he joined Plesiosaur to make a joint statement during a public press conference.

"Good afternoon, press corps of Scotland, and places around the World .... Dinosaurus and Megafauna, Hello, I'd like to welcome you to the banks of Loch Ness, in beautiful wonderful Scotland. I'm pleased to see you all here today," said Stegosaurus. "I am here this fine afternoon with my friend Plesiosaur to talk to you. She would like to make a statement to the press regarding her recent "appearance" in the loch."

"Thank you, Stegosaurus," said Plesiosaur. "You are so kind."

"Good afternoon, loyal friends and fans. I would like to address my recent "appearance" in the news. I know you all love me, and since about 1933 a lot of very bad photographers have taken very bad photographs that purport to be of me in this very loch. I am told that I am personally responsible for boosting the tourism industry of the lovely country of Scotland which I think loves me most of all. I appreciate the attention, honestly I do, but after 83 years it is finally time to come clean and be honest about this whole business of Loch Ness and what and who lives there. I must say that this press conference was not called without a good deal of soul searching thought and consideration. The last thing I want to do is harm the fanciful dreams of small children, the ambition of slightly kooky researchers, and certainly not the tourist industry of my friendly hosts in Scotland. I hope I can be forgiven if what I say here today causes any sadness, or economic calamity.

It is just that I have to be honest. This new picture of "me" is nothing more than a trio of seals. Nothing against seals, I like seals they are some of the most adorable mammals invented since mammals were invented. They're just not ME. Also, I am not Eels. Some of the pictures that are supposed to be of me are actually Eels. They are very large Eels; we have very large Eels here larger than the average but they are just Eels. Nothing against Eels OR seals, but they are not ME. The truth is, I do not live here at all. I do not live in Canada; I am not Ogopogo of Lake Okanagan. I am not Champ, the Lake Champlain Monster, I do not live in Sweden, or Patagonia. I have never met any Saints in the Christian religion; Not here at Loch Ness or anywhere. In fact, I do not live here at all. I'm very sorry to disappoint you."

"Now everyone calm down! Calm down!" Insisted Stegosaurus, trying to still the anxiety of a murmuring press corps. "Please eat some aloe plants...."

"I DO have good news," said Plesiosaur. "I do not live here, but I know someone who does. Be calm, please be calm."

The press became quiet and listened.

"I do not live here..." said Plesiosaur, "....but my friend Elasmosaurus does. We look very similar, which is why we can be confused... particularly with the grainy pictures that are taken here. We just don't photograph well, I suppose. But the trick is that Elasmosaurus, she's agoraphobic, so she does not come to the surface. She's always been afraid of mammals, but since mammals have dominated the landscape in the last few million years there are just too many to make her feel comfortable about coming to the surface. She assures me that it isn't you, its her, so don't feel badly, please. You probably won't see Elasmosaurus and you won't see me because I don't live here. You will see some nice and friendly seals and Eels. Thank you, everyone, thanks for coming. I know it sounds harsh, it has been a joke that has gone on for over 80 years, and I just couldn't let it go on anymore. I suspect in spite of this press conference today the sightings will yet continue for generations more, since many mammals are blind to facts that contradict what they want to believe about anything, so I hope you all will continue to have fun photographing seals, Eels and logs and trying to convince your friends and neighbors that they are me. Thank you and good afternoon."

Plesiosaurs Don't Live In Loch Ness

“The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency stomped forthrightly down to Louisiana as soon as we heard the mammals down there were in trouble,” said Stegosaurus. “My classmates and I went to work repairing the levee along the Amite River in Ascension Parish, while a flock of Moa Birds, along with Rhedosaurus and his lovely wife Lady Rhedosaurus went to Livingston Parish to help rebuild mammal structures, since 75% of the mammals who lived there lost their homes.
When my friend Western Black Rhino showed up and asked where he could be of the most help, I sent him there. I’m so glad to see him getting out and about more these days. The first few months of his extinction were really hard on him; That kind of thing, getting out and engaging with the world is really important to do, especially the first few hundred years you’re extinct. 146,000 mammal homes were damaged across the entire State of Louisiana, so he’ll have a lot of work to keep him busy.”
“I have also heard, said Stegosaurus, from Lady Rhedosaurus how proud she is of her husband lately as he has really worked to improve his relationship with figures of mammal authority. She said,
“He has really reduced his intake of policemen, once the primary staple of his diet, down to about one or two a week! I feel they’re really starting to let bygones be bygones and trust him not to rampage and eat them alive. It’s such a nice feeling.”
“I know he’s worked really hard at it,” said Stegosaurus.
“Yes, he was tempted to eat a member of the National Guard, but resisted! Also, he hasn’t yet eaten a single member of the Cajun Navy. He hasn’t even threatened them!” Swooned Lady Rhedosaurus.
“He hasn’t eaten a Paleontologist since Professor Thurgood Elson in 1953!” Lady Rhedosaurus continued enthusiastically. "Not that there is one here at the moment to be had ..."
“I began to find some of this hard to believe. If he was not consuming his regular diet, then what was he eating? It can’t possibly be that Rhedosaurus suddenly decided to give plant eating a try, but I hoped for the best. It would be quite tragic if one of the rescuers employed by The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency terrorized the locals. “
"We were really too busy to worry about all of that in the end," said Stegosaurus. After all, there had been 2 feet of rain in three days; we had a lot of work to do. The media didn't report on it much, they didn't even report that WE were there, and you know when I'm around I usually make the press. I would have held my own press conference, as I am very fond of those, but I was just too busy helping those in need and saving lives. It was so unfortunate that we couldn't get there in time to save the 13 mammals who became extinct; but we did the best that we could. "
"A contingent of my classmates and I went up to East Baton Rouge Parish, to the city of Zachary, Louisiana, which suffered very badly. 26 inches of rain fell. We went to assist the Louisiana National Guard, the Coast Guard, and even the Cajun Navy to rescue those who were trapped and needed help. The Upland Moas organized a soup kitchen, which was vegetarian based until Lady Rhedosaurus showed up also and agreed to feed the meat eaters beef, ham, and seafaring animals, provided that the rescue crew was never on the menu.
This was the vegetarian menu, when the Moa Birds opened the soup kitchen:
Makeover Ultimate Cornbread
Rhubarb Cornbread Stuffing
Black Eyed Pea Salsa
Spicy Asparagus Spears
Vegetable Chili
Spinach Po Boys
Vegetarian Jambalaya
Creole Butter Beans
And then, once Lady Rhedosaurus arrived, meat was added to the menu
Classic Natchitoches Meat Pie
Southern Fried Pork Chops
Muffuletta Po’ boys
Smoked Sausage Jambalaya with Bayou Fried Chicken
Easter Ham with Coffee Glaze
Beef Daube Pot Pie
Satsuma-Glazed Ham
Grilled Venison with Chimichurri

Western Black Rhino became the mascot of the Cajun Navy, as he allowed small children to ride upon his back. It was a lot of hard work, but I always feel better for helping those in need, and gain a lot of satisfaction when I see things that had been a disaster return to normal. "
The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency left Louisiana in early September, but the residents of Louisiana will need assistance for some time yet. I encourage you to help out where ever you can. In Louisiana or in your own hometowns. In times of strife, the best parts of nature can shine through."

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