"I've been down south in the U.S., just shy of Atlanta, Georgia with my class this month !" Exclaimed Stegosaurus. "We're trying to determine how we can save the Tsuga canadensis from the Wooly Adelgid. Those selfish insects how I hate them! Eating all of the Tsuga they can find! They could learn a few things about conservation, or at least sharing. If the Wooly Adelgid were any bigger I'd whack it with my cool, spiky tail! That's how much I dislike them!! How I hate insects!! They're so scary!!

Because I'm trying to save the Tsuga canadensis I could not be in D.C. for the hearings regarding my friend Congresssaurus Triceratops and the future of his job. So, I'm sure you've noticed the copy of the letter I sent to Congress last month. Last Friday I received from Triceratops a copy of the official transcript of the proceedings in Congress. I put them here for you to read, too, having skipped all the formalities that mammals find necessary to get right down to the part which involves my friend Triceratops and the other members of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus."

Save The Tsuga Canadensis

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT FOR A JOINT SESSION OF U.S. CONGRESS, MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27th, 2010
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TO DEBATE THE EXISTENCE OF THE HONORABLE MR. TRICERATOPS OF WYOMING, THE SENIOR MEMBER OF THE DINOSAUR CONGRESSIONAL CAUCUS
AND WHETHER HE SHOULD HOLD HIS COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS DUE TO THE QUESTIONS SURROUNDING HIS EXISTENCE.

TIME: 3:00 PM EASTERN STANDARD TIME

OUTSIDE THE US SENATE CHAMBER

NANCY PELOSI: "Now for the matter at hand, being the existence of the Honorable Mr. Triceratops of Wyoming, the senior member of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus. Since his existence is in question, should he retain his committee assignments and position as leader of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus?"

HARRY REID: "Due to the size of the members of this Caucus, we are all outdoors today. it's a nice day to be outdoors."

NANCY PELOSI: "Sergeant at arms, would you now read the roll call of the members of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus, and their invited friends present?"

SERGEANT AT ARMS: "Present and accounted for:

Capitalsaurus, the official State Dinosaur of the District of Columbia.

Astrodon, the official State Dinosaur of Maryland.

Hypsibema, the official State Dinosaur of Missouri.

Hadrosaurus, the official State Dinosaur of New Jersey.

Pleurocoelus, the official State Dinosaur of Texas.

Maiasaura, the official State Dinosaur of Montana.

Coelophysis, the official State Dinosaur of New Mexico.

Saurophaganax, the official State Dinosaur of Oklahoma.

Allosaurus, the official State Dinosaur of Utah.

and the Honorable Mr. Triceratops of Wyoming.

Also present at the request of Mr. Triceratops, Mr. Torosaurus of Wyoming,

and Mr. Tyrannosaurus Rex of Montana.

These are all present.

Lastly I present a letter of support for Mr. Triceratops from Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado."

NANCY PELOSI: " Thank you." [ looks at letter from Stegosaurus briefly and then hands it to Vice President Joe Biden. Joe Biden reads it, to himself, and hands it to Harry Reid, who also reads the letter silently. ]

NANCY PELOSI: "Now Mr. Triceratops, because recent reports claiming that you never roamed the planet were found on the internet during the early days of August 2010, there has been called a joint session of Congress to debate your existence and determine if you should retain your lofty committee assignment as senior member of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus."

HARRY REID: "It seems that a fair number of reliable scientists have debated since the late 19th century and at last determined around early August that you do not exist. We will submit to the public record the following proof." [ presents a folder of papers printed off the internet, all of which are news stories about the recent Triceratops discovery. ]

NANCY PELOSI: "Now Mr. Reid, Vice President Biden, and myself have read your letter of support from Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado, and we also submit that to the public record.

[ Joe Biden hands letter from Stegosaurus to Ms. Pelosi, and she submits it to the public record.]

NANCY PELOSI: "While your letter of support from Mr. Stegosaurus is heartfelt, and will indeed be taken into consideration, you will need more proof to convince us. Is there anything you can say in your defense?"

TRICERATOPS: "I am convinced of my own existence certainly and think the record I've presented to the people of Wyoming since I was discovered by mammals in 1889 speaks for itself. But I will ask some of my friends to advocate on my behalf -- to step forward and speak."

HARRY REID: "All right. You may call your first witness, Mr. Triceratops."

TRICERATOPS: "I call into the Senate chamber Mr. Torosaurus of Wyoming."

TOROSAURUS: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mammals and Dinosaurs. I come to you as a friend of Mr. Triceratops, who shares as a home my native State of Wyoming.
I have come as an advocate for the retention of his position as leader of the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus.
I am his advocate because I am certain that he is honest and honorable. His record needs no defense. Neither should his existence. That should be obvious, as he does, after all have the largest head of any land animal ever discovered. How could you miss him ?
I am also here because he is my son! Triceratops, I am your father. The scientists have proven it; it should be obvious that we have the family resemblance going for us. I am pleased to call you my son.... and will be glad even as I have enjoyed my individuality to have my name decommissioned and become a Triceratops in name."

TRICERATOPS: "Thank you, Mr. Torosaurus. I would be pleased to next call before the Chamber Senators and Representative members of this body from my State of Wyoming, and members of this body from South Dakota, a State in which I am also loved. I ask to speak in my defense Democratic Senator Tim Johnson, and Republican Senator John Thune Senators of South Dakota. Also South Dakota Representative Stephanie Henseth Sandlin. From Wyoming, Republican Senator John Barrasso, and Republican Senator Michael B. Enzl. Also, Representative Cynthia Lummis,"

[ The Representatives and Senators called rise and walk as a group to the floor of the Chamber. ]

CYNTHIA LUMMIS: " I suppose that we are the Mammal delegation!" [ laughter ] "Very well, though. I am pleased to do so and defend my friend and co worker the Honorable Mr. Triceratops of Wyoming."

STEPHANIE HENSETH SANDLIN: "And from South Dakota we also speak well of Mr. Triceratops. Although he has chosen to represent Wyoming, we love and appreciate him as well. He advocates environmentally conscious legislation, proving he cares about his own species as well as the planet, and he loves to visit sick children in the hospitals and cheer them up, proving he cares about mammals too."

JOHN BARRASSO: "What trauma would we be causing small children if we told them one day, Triceratops does not exist? What monsters would we be, to make small children cry!
What a great advocate our environment, Mother Earth, would lose if we ejected Triceratops from this venerable deliberative body! We must think before we act, ladies and gentlemen!"

TIM JOHNSON: "We must put aside politics and stop this absurd witch hunt! Triceratops is one of the classic examples of Reptilia Ornithischia Ceratopsidae and that this debate is even underway is astounding. What a monumental waste of time with so many other problems facing us today. Therefore I advocate that we cease this nonsense and leave Triceratops to serve us as he always has."

JOHN THUNE: "How would you feel if after over 120 years of discovery and many millions of years existence you were told you didn't exist, Senator Reid, Representative Pelosi?
How do you think Mr. Triceratops feels? This can't be about the existence of Triceratops! Its obvious that he's right in front of us. The ENTIRE DINOSAUR CONGRESSIONAL CAUCUS is in front of us. Are they all myths? This nonsense absolute nonsense is politically motivated, I daresay!"

MICHAEL B. ENZI: "Besides Triceratops is cool! He always has been cool! I loved him before I worked with him. As a little kid I wished I had a pet Triceratops because his horns are so cool and his head so big. Yet for a creature with such a big head he is very humble. Allow your inner children to come out and let Triceratops stay with us. The world needs Triceratops now more than ever!"

NANCY PELOSI: "Very well we have heard the testimony of the self proclaimed mammal delegation. Have you any more witnesses Mr. Triceratops?"

TRICERATOPS: "I would like to call if I could, another of my fellow dinosaurs to testify on my behalf if it please the Congress Assembled, .Mr. Tyrannosaurus Rex of Montana."

HARRY REID: "It does. You may speak, Mr. Tyrannosaurus Rex. But first, a question. It seems odd that you'd be here as a friend of Triceratops. Are you two not legendary adversaries?"

TYRANNOSAURUS REX: "Absolute nonsense, I tell you, good sir! A complete fabrication perpetuated by Charlie Knight! In fact I do meet with my friend Triceratops quite frequently. Not to eat him, although he is also delicious, ahem... we always meet for tea and cookies every third Thursday of the month. Honest. That's the truth. So help me."

NANCY PELOSI: "How do you know he is delicious.... you say you don't eat him ??"

TYRANNOSAURUS REX: " I am a carnivore. That answer should be obvious; it depends on what your definition of eat is. Let me reiterate... I must insist on what I said before tea and cookies. Tea and cookies."

HADROSAURUS: "I can back that up!"

TYRANNOSAURUS REX: "Thank you, Mr. Hadrosaurus. Say, after this hearing may I meet you in your office for lunch?"

HADROSAURUS: "I'm afraid not, Mr. Tyrannosaurus Rex. That could go badly for me."

NANCY PELOSI: [ calls order with her gavel. ] "Please gentlemen. Return to the subject at hand."

TYRANNOSAURUS REX: "To conclude I am an advocate for Mr. Triceratops. We are very old friends and I will eat ... er, have tea and cookies with him anytime."

NANCY PELOSI: " Uh... all right. Mr. Triceratops, have you any more witnesses?"

TRICERATOPS: " I should like to call before the chamber my peers in the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus, who have appointed Capitalsaurus to speak for them as a whole."

HARRY REID: "Mr. Capitalsaurus, what have you to say?"

CAPITALSAURUS: "The Dinosaur Congressional Caucus is very disturbed by the fact that this hearing is taking place, but we are pleased and joyful to see so much support for our leader, the Honorable Mr. Triceratops of Wyoming. We can only concur, and speak as advocates ourselves for the wonderful things that Mr. Triceratops has done for Wyoming's dinosaurs, mammals, and environment.

I understand the position of the scientists and paleontologists; but while we do not expect special treatment for Mr. Triceratops now no matter how much a legend among us he might be, it is also very much worth pointing out that there are many other dinosaurs on our Caucus, and some who are not, that find themselves in the same position as Mr. Triceratops and Mr. Torosaurus. We may at one time believe ourselves to to be an entirely independent species, and wake up one morning to find that we are juveniles to a venerable legend such as Mr. Triceratops is. And while we value our independence, it is an honor to finally solve that piece of the puzzle of life. Examples of such among those in this Caucus include:

Astrodon and Pleurocoelus as well as Saurophaganax and Allosaurus.

A related conundrum is the fact that Hypsibema and myself are considered "dubious" because we are only partially found. And so I ask you, we all ask you, If Hypsibema and myself are considered dubious and only partially found yet we are allowed to remain in this Caucus without question, how could you declare Triceratops also dubious in the same breath? Clearly HE has been discovered completely! Look at all the work he has done as leader of this Caucus! We can't lose him! His record is exemplary! Please reconsider and leave Triceratops with us. We have never had a finer leader."

NANCY PELOSI: "Very well, thank you Capitalsaurus. Now Mr. Triceratops if you have no further witnesses for your defense we will now call our experts and paleontologists to testify on OUR behalf."

TRICERATOPS: "I have concluded my case, Madame Speaker."


HARRY REID: "We call into the Senate chamber John Scannella and Professor Jack Horner, representing Montana State University. They've published an article in Journal of Vertebrate Paleontology, which gives us reason for these hearings today."

[ John Scannella and Professor Jack Horner enter the chamber and seat themselves before Congress. ]

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "Thank you Senator Reid, Representative Pelosi. Thank you for allowing us to speak to you today about our discoveries regarding Mr. Triceratops and Mr. Torosaurus."

JOHN SCANNELLA: "I would like to make a correction to the record. I observe that it has been noted that our discovery occurred in early August. In truth, our article was published on July 14th, 2010."

NANCY PELOSI: "The record stands corrected."

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "All right. Now, the basic idea of our article, our scientific discovery is not that Triceratops does not exist AT ALL. It is simply to state that he does not exist as a species separate from Mr. Torosaurus. It seems pretty clear to us and easily explainable. I assert that while we stand solidly behind the facts of our scientific discoveries, we also find severe media distortion of the facts."

JOHN SCANNELLA: " Yes, indeed." [ takes a drink from a provided bottle of water ] "Our conclusion is being distorted to imply That Triceratops no longer exists or never existed AT ALL, when the truth is we have only discovered that what we considered for over 100 years to be a separate species was merely a juvenile."

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "We humbly suggest that Mr. Torosaurus submit to having his name decommissioned effective 30 days from the date of this hearing as has been consistent with other recent similar discoveries within the science of Paleontology. That he acquiesce to being henceforth referred to not as Torosaurus, but as Triceratops because he is merely an adult Triceratops according to the laws of science."

JOHN SCANNELLA: "I am concerned that the media distortion has come about to discredit the fine work that Mr. Triceratops has done for the Dinosaur Congressional Caucus over the years. His willingness to stand up to Big Oil and promote non fossil fuel energies I think makes him a target by the corporate powers and they are attempting to discredit him and his attempt to liberate Dinosaurs."

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "Yes there are indeed many who, because of corporate interests are pretending to be on the side of Dinosaurs and care about the issues that they care about because we, that is, John and I, see his work presents a threat to corporate interests."

HARRY REID: "Wait a minute, wait a minute. Uh, aren't you here to defend the position of the full Senate? How could you as scientists question the benevolence of our position?"

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "With all due respect Senator, we must say that as scientists John and I believe in the liberty of Dinosaurs as well as human mammals."

JOHN SCANNELLA: "Yes it is sad and discouraging to see such an honorable creature's intentions distorted. He is at the head of a movement which began with such promise and hope now corrupted and the majority of people believe it stands for things which are the exact opposite of the principles it started with."

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: " And that those who profess to be forward thinking and open minded in this country are so set in their ways that they believe this distortion and lack the willingness to be objective and discover for themselves the truth and realities of the problems that Dinosaurs face, and that mammals face as well."

JOHN SCANNELLA: "It must be made clear that as Americans we believe in personal liberty and that freedom requires individual responsibility, knowledge and involvement, not blind trust in a distant power..... a distant power which is merely a limited number of supposed intelligencia with an improved opinion of their importance treating people and Dinosaurs as if they are stupid and incapable of the responsibility of self governance."

PROFESSOR JACK HORNER: "For -- "

NANCY PELOSI: "I think, Gentlemen, pardon me, Professor Horner, but I believe our interview is finished. Thank you for your time."

HARRY REID: "Well, " [ sighs ] It appears that no one is on our side. The debate has concluded. Let a vote be called."


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" I am told," said Stegosaurus, "That the vote in favor of Triceratops' existence was honest to goodness unanimous. It was also unanimous that he should retain the emoluments of his office. I am so pleased!"