“My college class and I were sent to the Commonwealth of Kentucky for our finals, so on May 1st after Oblitiosaurus returned to his native Spain, I stomped forthrightly South,” said Stegosaurus. Usually the finals have us investigating various species of trees, as you will recall, but this one was all about bodies of water so we found ourselves at the reservoir of the Cumberland river in South Central Kentucky. This Is the largest body of water in the State, it is 50,000 acres (20,000 hectares). It made me wish I had brought my raft. I wasn't expecting to need my raft.

What we had to do in this body of water was seek shale underneath from the Ordovician period, the second period of the Paleozoic, an age before my time 443.8 million years ago.

It was tricky, swishing through water with my cool, spiky tail. Trying to break up the rocks below to expose the shale we were looking for; I am not, as you know, a seafaring animal. It was exhausting, and frustrating because my claws were getting stuck in the mud. Then, to my surprise I heard something say to me, “Hey, watch out there!” I looked around, and didn't see anyone around me, other than my classmates, and this was not the voice of a Stegosaurus, obviously. I began swishing my cool, spiky tail again, and then a second time I heard another voice say to me,

“Will you please stop ? Be careful, now !”

This time I stuck my head under the water to see if I could see anything, and I did ! I saw two small creatures at my feet so I lifted my head out of the water, ( again, not a seafaring animal ), and scooped them up with my claws.

“We are Trilobites of a sort,” said one.

“Hello, I'm a Stegosaurus. Are you of the sort that can live on land, or are you fully seafaring?” asked Stegosaurus.

" I am a Trilobite; we were alive between 520 and 252 million years ago. The age of my species was 485.4 Million years ago. In all this time, it was not until last September that the mammal scientists used a high resolution 3D scan of one of my fossils to determine my diet.

Generally, I eat thin-walled shells, bits of echinoderms, that family of creatures which includes sea” urchins and starfish. Scientists have speculated that we Trilobites may have had dual digestive tracts, which is a really nice feature to have; I'll get back to you if they can determine anything noteworthy.” “Well, that is very interesting,” agreed Stegosaurus. “Now second Trilobite, what can you tell me about yourself?”

“Well my story is quite fascinating. I was born on Mars, but grew up on the South side of Chicago.”

“What?” asked Stegosaurus, surprised by the answer of the second Trilobite.

“Oh, don't listen to him,” said the first Trilobite. “He's fake.”

“I look like I'm made of flesh, but its really just fancy paper mache.”

“You're just a fancy rock. Not even a fossil.”

“I may be a rock, but I identify as a fossil.”

“Whatever you are, I'll be your friend,” said Stegosaurus.

“Tell me what you think of Chicago; I lived there briefly during America's Great Depression in the early 1930s.”

“Oh, I was born in Youngstown, Ohio, but I come from the Stars. My spirit name is Stardust.”

{ sings } “We are stardust, we are golden / we are million year old carbon / and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

[ sings ] “Sometimes I wonder why I spend / my lonely nights dreaming of a song..”

Frustrated, First Trilobite exclaimed, “Will you please stop?!?”

Second Trilobite continues singing: “Stop! In the name of love........”

First Trilobite turned to Stegosaurus. “Just ignore him; he'll get bored.”

“I love to garden,” observed Stegosaurus. “I use my cool, spiky tail as a plow.”

“Next time I garden I'm planting some tomatoes,” said Fake Trilobite.

“You can only plant underwater things in your underwater garden. We're largely seafaring animals!” exclaimed First Trilobite.

“Well, if I could plant tomatoes I would,” said Fake Trilobite.

“Hey, I have an idea. Let's go out to eat. I'd like to try out The Old City Cemetery in Lexington. Let me go get my false teeth.”

“Impossible,” said Stegosaurus. “My cousins and I have tried, but we've been denied each time. There is a law.”

“You're right, Stegosaurus, that law is still in effect,” said First Trilobite. “You cannot dine there.”

“Very well, I'm not that hungry anyway,” said Fake Trilobite. “It's time for the news! CNN is my favorite news source. They say they're America's most trusted news source, so it must be true!”

“One of these days I hope you will evolve critical thinking skills and common sense,” said First Trilobite.

“I was friends with Thomas Paine prior to the American Revolution. I was the little Trilobite that could, sitting on his shoulder and encouraging him to write his pamphlet 'Common Sense'.

“Oh that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. How can a Trilobite help a mammal write? You have no arms !! You also don't need false mammal teeth to eat. You look absurd wearing dentures, by the way.”

“Well if I had arms I would. I really would. I'm going to be somebody someday. I could've been a contender! You forget about that time I attempted heavyweight champion of the world. Mohammed Ali beat me though, because he really was the greatest. Then, I decided to start a wrestling club.”

“Mohammed Ali beat Sonny Liston, and Sonny Liston was not, I repeat, NOT a Trilobite.”

“That's what you know,” countered Fake Trilobite. “Maybe I can't be a boxer. I didn't know in order to be a boxer you need arms. So I tried wrestling.”

“If you can't be a boxer without arms, how can you wrestle without arms?!? You can't write like Thomas Paine either !! “

“I can whisper in his ear....”

“Look, just accept who you are and be the best Trilobite a Trilobite can be. You don't have to make stuff up to succeed in life. If you don't cut it out, you're going to end up glued to a cheap box in a mammal fossil shop, and sold for an exorbitant fee.”

“Well, at least then I'll be worth something to somebody!”

“You see what I go through?” asked First Trilobite as he turned to Stegosaurus and sighed. “He's been this way since the Cambrian Period. It is time to return me to water. Will you please help return me to the sea? I guess you'd better return the both of us.”

“Okay, I will gladly do this for you. It was nice meeting you, and I hope we get to talk again someday.”

Stegosaurus returned the Trilobites to the sea, and decided to remain in Kentucky through July with his classmates. He could not visit the Old City Cemetery, but he did enjoy the Community Arboretum immensely.

A one-of-a-kind trilobite fossil hints at what and how these creatures ate