"My first semester of college is over!" announced Stegosaurus. "To celebrate I've taken some time off and stomped on over to Spain, where the biggest Stegosaurus footprint has been found. You see that was before my diet.
I am building a branch of the Stegosaurus School of Dance here, so I'll be in Spain for a while. To mark this occasion, Flamenco dancing will be half off for the month of May.
Also, to honor my friend Frankie "Musclehead" Manning who became extinct on April 28th, all Lindy Hop dance lessons are half off as well. It is a shame that mammals become extinct so young; he was only 94. "
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Stegosaurus Races
Mark Johnson: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Stegosaurus Races at Church hill downs, in Louisville, Kentucky We welcome you to this storied event, millions of years older than another race held here which involves horses, to watch Stegosaurus and his cousins race at Church hill downs. We have at the starting gate, the large, lovable Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado, USA, Kentrosaurus of Kenya, Africa; Stegosaurus Claus of Brazil, and Lexovissaurus of France. We inform you with much regret that Wuerhosaurus of China had intended to participate, but he is coming by slow boat, which being aptly named has yet to arrive. The Stegosaurids wait at the gate for the race to begin."
In the growing crowd of race attendees milling about waiting for the Kentucky Derby ( involving horses ) to begin, was a Mr. Herring and a Ms. Scott leading their cat, Na Nyuk Fish, on a leash. None of the people in the crowd seemed to be looking at the racing field of Stegosaurids; as they were all too busy standing around drinking Mint Juleps and talking about horse bloodlines and horse sperm, two very popular topics which precede any horse race. This was not the case for Mr. Herring.
Mark Johnson: "And, they're off! ..... Stegosaurus at first in the lead, Kentrosaurus at the outside, Stegosaurus Claus and Lexovissaurus bringing up the rear. Aren't they odd, ladies and gentlemen, watching them race about the track.... and what a thunderous commmotion it causes! At the first turn now, Kentrosaurus takes the lead, Stegosaurus now in second place. Lexovissaurus keeping good pace beside Stegosaurus Claus. This is a sight that has to be seen to be believed. "
"Look!" exclaims Mr. Herring, pointing out to the track just as the racing dinosaurs turn the corner. "Stegosaurus! Stegosaurus on the track!"
Ms. Scott looks but sees nothing. " I think you've had too many Mint Juleps," rejoined Mr. Herring's interlocutoress.
Mark Johnson: "And we're now in the home stretch! Lexovissaurus is picking up his pace, leaving Stegosuarus Claus in the dust! Kentrosaurus is barely in the lead, with Stegosaurus falling firmly into the second position! Here comes Lexovissaurus now ladies and gentlemen! Really picking up speed! And its Lexovissaurus by a nose / beak, with Kentrosaurus in second place, Stegosaurus is third, and Stegosaurus Claus fourth. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, Lexovissaurus of France is the winner!
So félicitations to Lexovissaurus of France!"
Stegosaurus Races Press Confrence, May 2nd 2009 Church hill downs, Louisville, KY
Stegosaurus: My cousins and I have called this press confrence today to express our joy at attending the annual Stegosaurus races yet again, and to set the record straight regarding a misconception.
Please welcome to our press conference today in addtion to myself my cousin Kentrosaurus, of Africa, my cousin Lexovissaurus, of France and our friend and benefactor who has come from Brazil, Stegosaurus Claus. It was very nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule of making toys for all the good boys and girls of the world to speak with us today.
We regret to tell you that our cousin Wuerhosaurus of China wanted to be here but he is not. He wanted to race, but left China by a slow boat which has yet to arrive.
collective sigh of regret from the audience.
Kentrosaurus: Thank you for attending today.
Lexovissaurus : Je suis heureux d’être ici aujourd’hui.
Stegosaurus Claus: I'm glad to be here as well. I might have left Brazil, but I'm still making a list and checking it twice, even now. So, be good!
Stegosaurus: The first statement we'd like to make is that we sure have enjoyed racing today, We can race pretty fast for such awkward creatures goodness knows, especially Lexovissaurus who won the race.... but we'd all like to make a joint statement that even though we have 8 points of similarity with our good brother horse and we are easily confused with him....
Kentrosaurus: The similarity is very striking. If we're grazing in a field together its very hard to tell us apart. I invited our sister Quagga over for Christmas, and our neighbors were totally confused.
Stegosaurus: .... yes, and even though some places in these parts like to think so we'd all like to release a joint statement that, unlike our brother horse, we have never ever, worn saddles of any type. Not western, not english, not australian... none at all.
Lexovissaurus: Absolument aucun ne me convient. Je n’ai jamais porté de selles. Jamais. Je ne suis pas comme mon Cousin Américain, je n’ai pas beaucoup d’épatantes sexy plaques et je ne veux pas les couvrir avec un inconfortable truc fait de peaux mammifères. J’ai déjà fait une observation de ceci, c’est que pas seulement ne portons-nous de selles, nous les Stégosaures ne portons pas de chapeaux. Pas jamais, pas du tout .....
Kentrosaurus pokes Lexovissaurus... Um, cousin... don't look now, but, well, we have a Stegosaurid with us....
Stegosaurus Claus: ...who happens to be an exception to the norm. You can't help but notice, Lexovissarus, that I always wear hats.
Lexovissaurus: blushing ... Je veux avoir des cadeaux pour Noël, alors, je reconnais mon erreur. Je reconnais mon erreur. Et j’aimerais aussi aujourd’hui dire que je suis fier d’avoir gagné la course, de cette ancienne tradition qui est répéter depuis plus de 160 millions d’années. Merci pour vos applaudissements et vos félicitations. Hourra pour la France ! J’aimerais faire don de mes gains de la course aujourd’hui à Bethlehem Farms, pas long d’ici à Lexington. Cela va les aider à fournir des soins pour les chevaux de mon frère qui ont eu de la malchance.
crowd applause.
Stegosaurus: Thank you, thank you all. Now if the press will excuse us, as grass is one of the finest new inventions of our modern age, we must go forthwith to trim the lawn at the Ashland estate in Lexington; and I understand that there is a very big arboretum nearby there which looks very delicious.
If you will, please excuse us....
Stegosaurus Claus: Thank you for coming to our races today. I'll see you Christmas Eve, if you all are good!
Kentrosaurus: I was very pleased to take part in the races today. Thank you for attending.
Lexovissaurus: Je vous remercie tous pour être venu. Maintenant je ne c’est pas ce que vous allez faire, mais moi je vais avoir du fromage avec mon pâturin ......
Mark Johnson: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Stegosaurus Races at Church hill downs, in Louisville, Kentucky We welcome you to this storied event, millions of years older than another race held here which involves horses, to watch Stegosaurus and his cousins race at Church hill downs. We have at the starting gate, the large, lovable Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado, USA, Kentrosaurus of Kenya, Africa; Stegosaurus Claus of Brazil, and Lexovissaurus of France. We inform you with much regret that Wuerhosaurus of China had intended to participate, but he is coming by slow boat, which being aptly named has yet to arrive. The Stegosaurids wait at the gate for the race to begin."
In the growing crowd of race attendees milling about waiting for the Kentucky Derby ( involving horses ) to begin, was a Mr. Herring and a Ms. Scott leading their cat, Na Nyuk Fish, on a leash. None of the people in the crowd seemed to be looking at the racing field of Stegosaurids; as they were all too busy standing around drinking Mint Juleps and talking about horse bloodlines and horse sperm, two very popular topics which precede any horse race. This was not the case for Mr. Herring.
Mark Johnson: "And, they're off! ..... Stegosaurus at first in the lead, Kentrosaurus at the outside, Stegosaurus Claus and Lexovissaurus bringing up the rear. Aren't they odd, ladies and gentlemen, watching them race about the track.... and what a thunderous commmotion it causes! At the first turn now, Kentrosaurus takes the lead, Stegosaurus now in second place. Lexovissaurus keeping good pace beside Stegosaurus Claus. This is a sight that has to be seen to be believed. "
"Look!" exclaims Mr. Herring, pointing out to the track just as the racing dinosaurs turn the corner. "Stegosaurus! Stegosaurus on the track!"
Ms. Scott looks but sees nothing. " I think you've had too many Mint Juleps," rejoined Mr. Herring's interlocutoress.
Mark Johnson: "And we're now in the home stretch! Lexovissaurus is picking up his pace, leaving Stegosuarus Claus in the dust! Kentrosaurus is barely in the lead, with Stegosaurus falling firmly into the second position! Here comes Lexovissaurus now ladies and gentlemen! Really picking up speed! And its Lexovissaurus by a nose / beak, with Kentrosaurus in second place, Stegosaurus is third, and Stegosaurus Claus fourth. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, Lexovissaurus of France is the winner!
So félicitations to Lexovissaurus of France!"
Stegosaurus Races Press Confrence, May 2nd 2009 Church hill downs, Louisville, KY
Stegosaurus: My cousins and I have called this press confrence today to express our joy at attending the annual Stegosaurus races yet again, and to set the record straight regarding a misconception.
Please welcome to our press conference today in addtion to myself my cousin Kentrosaurus, of Africa, my cousin Lexovissaurus, of France and our friend and benefactor who has come from Brazil, Stegosaurus Claus. It was very nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule of making toys for all the good boys and girls of the world to speak with us today.
We regret to tell you that our cousin Wuerhosaurus of China wanted to be here but he is not. He wanted to race, but left China by a slow boat which has yet to arrive.
collective sigh of regret from the audience.
Kentrosaurus: Thank you for attending today.
Lexovissaurus : Je suis heureux d’être ici aujourd’hui.
Stegosaurus Claus: I'm glad to be here as well. I might have left Brazil, but I'm still making a list and checking it twice, even now. So, be good!
Stegosaurus: The first statement we'd like to make is that we sure have enjoyed racing today, We can race pretty fast for such awkward creatures goodness knows, especially Lexovissaurus who won the race.... but we'd all like to make a joint statement that even though we have 8 points of similarity with our good brother horse and we are easily confused with him....
Kentrosaurus: The similarity is very striking. If we're grazing in a field together its very hard to tell us apart. I invited our sister Quagga over for Christmas, and our neighbors were totally confused.
Stegosaurus: .... yes, and even though some places in these parts like to think so we'd all like to release a joint statement that, unlike our brother horse, we have never ever, worn saddles of any type. Not western, not english, not australian... none at all.
Lexovissaurus: Absolument aucun ne me convient. Je n’ai jamais porté de selles. Jamais. Je ne suis pas comme mon Cousin Américain, je n’ai pas beaucoup d’épatantes sexy plaques et je ne veux pas les couvrir avec un inconfortable truc fait de peaux mammifères. J’ai déjà fait une observation de ceci, c’est que pas seulement ne portons-nous de selles, nous les Stégosaures ne portons pas de chapeaux. Pas jamais, pas du tout .....
Kentrosaurus pokes Lexovissaurus... Um, cousin... don't look now, but, well, we have a Stegosaurid with us....
Stegosaurus Claus: ...who happens to be an exception to the norm. You can't help but notice, Lexovissarus, that I always wear hats.
Lexovissaurus: blushing ... Je veux avoir des cadeaux pour Noël, alors, je reconnais mon erreur. Je reconnais mon erreur. Et j’aimerais aussi aujourd’hui dire que je suis fier d’avoir gagné la course, de cette ancienne tradition qui est répéter depuis plus de 160 millions d’années. Merci pour vos applaudissements et vos félicitations. Hourra pour la France ! J’aimerais faire don de mes gains de la course aujourd’hui à Bethlehem Farms, pas long d’ici à Lexington. Cela va les aider à fournir des soins pour les chevaux de mon frère qui ont eu de la malchance.
crowd applause.
Stegosaurus: Thank you, thank you all. Now if the press will excuse us, as grass is one of the finest new inventions of our modern age, we must go forthwith to trim the lawn at the Ashland estate in Lexington; and I understand that there is a very big arboretum nearby there which looks very delicious.
If you will, please excuse us....
Stegosaurus Claus: Thank you for coming to our races today. I'll see you Christmas Eve, if you all are good!
Kentrosaurus: I was very pleased to take part in the races today. Thank you for attending.
Lexovissaurus: Je vous remercie tous pour être venu. Maintenant je ne c’est pas ce que vous allez faire, mais moi je vais avoir du fromage avec mon pâturin ......
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"After my class and I unsuccessfully tried to topple a Sequoiadendron giganteum ( they were just too tall, even for four of us. ) We left California and all stomped up into Canada to dine on some pinus contorta and to visit with my Canadian friend Styracosaurus," said Stegosaurus.
"We celebrated the holiday sacred to herbivorous dinosaurs everywhere: Arbor Day. Though he was glad to see me, Styracosaurus chastised me for missing out on the annual King Kong Dinosaur Cast Reunion this year. There's no doubt about it....! The life of a Stegosaurus, ( especially if he's in graduate school. ) is very busy indeed."
"We celebrated the holiday sacred to herbivorous dinosaurs everywhere: Arbor Day. Though he was glad to see me, Styracosaurus chastised me for missing out on the annual King Kong Dinosaur Cast Reunion this year. There's no doubt about it....! The life of a Stegosaurus, ( especially if he's in graduate school. ) is very busy indeed."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
A Simple Method For Determining The Sex Of Your Pet Stegosaurus
Are you confused about the sex of your pet Stegosaurus?
Well there is an easy method to use for determination that works at least 50 % of the time.
Watch the movie Champion with your pet Stegosaurus.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Marilyn Maxwell, its a boy.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Kirk Douglas, its a girl.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over both of these celebrites there is a good chance that your Stegosaurus is bisexual.
Determining homosexuality in Stegosaurids is much more difficult because as a general rule they believe in the don't ask don't tell policy.
This method works 50% of the time, since a majority of Stegosaurids are easily enamoured with celebrity pop culture. Once this happens, it is difficult ( but not impossible ) to get them interested in their own species again.
Good luck!
Are you confused about the sex of your pet Stegosaurus?
Well there is an easy method to use for determination that works at least 50 % of the time.
Watch the movie Champion with your pet Stegosaurus.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Marilyn Maxwell, its a boy.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Kirk Douglas, its a girl.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over both of these celebrites there is a good chance that your Stegosaurus is bisexual.
Determining homosexuality in Stegosaurids is much more difficult because as a general rule they believe in the don't ask don't tell policy.
This method works 50% of the time, since a majority of Stegosaurids are easily enamoured with celebrity pop culture. Once this happens, it is difficult ( but not impossible ) to get them interested in their own species again.
Good luck!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
"I've been out in California studying trees of the Pacific Coast for college," said Stegosaurus. Wonderful pines, like pinus abicaulis, pinus aristata, and pinus pungens. Not to mention the delicious Pinyons...
Since I've become an arborist I've really come to care about trees not just because they are delicious but because they are unique and beautiful in their own way.
It is on this principle that I've decided I can no longer eat any of the Ginkgoaceae, or the Juglandaceae.
This is a decision which disturbs my poor cousin Lexovissaurus, who when he heard of my decision wrote to say,
"Que-es-ce que tu as?!? Premièrement tu es tombé en amour avec la mammifère Marilyn Maxwell et tu ne considère pas avoir un rendez-vous avec une de ton espèce, et maintenant tu ne veux pas manger certain arbres!?!
Les arbres Ginko sont délicieux, et ils y ont toujours été! Pourquoi tu te réveillerais un matin et décide de ne pas les manger parce que cette espèce d’arbre était là avant que tu laisse ta coquille , c’est au-delà de ma compréhension! J’admets, que ma compréhension est limité, mais qu’en même …… et des noyers! Et que-ce qu’il y a de mal avec des noyers?!! Ils sont délicieux même sans du fromage! Je jure, si tu n’étais pas mon cousin je te frapperais sur la tête avec ma cool, tranchante queue! Cela pourrait mettre du bon sens dans ta tête!"
Since I've become an arborist I've really come to care about trees not just because they are delicious but because they are unique and beautiful in their own way.
It is on this principle that I've decided I can no longer eat any of the Ginkgoaceae, or the Juglandaceae.
This is a decision which disturbs my poor cousin Lexovissaurus, who when he heard of my decision wrote to say,
"Que-es-ce que tu as?!? Premièrement tu es tombé en amour avec la mammifère Marilyn Maxwell et tu ne considère pas avoir un rendez-vous avec une de ton espèce, et maintenant tu ne veux pas manger certain arbres!?!
Les arbres Ginko sont délicieux, et ils y ont toujours été! Pourquoi tu te réveillerais un matin et décide de ne pas les manger parce que cette espèce d’arbre était là avant que tu laisse ta coquille , c’est au-delà de ma compréhension! J’admets, que ma compréhension est limité, mais qu’en même …… et des noyers! Et que-ce qu’il y a de mal avec des noyers?!! Ils sont délicieux même sans du fromage! Je jure, si tu n’étais pas mon cousin je te frapperais sur la tête avec ma cool, tranchante queue! Cela pourrait mettre du bon sens dans ta tête!"
Sunday, March 8, 2009
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