My birdwatching vacation in New Zealand was very nice," said Stegosaurus. "The Giant Moas and I had some great times. Now I'm updating my blog on my laptop while I'm on a raft. It's just a short trip to London to help my friend Ray Harryhausen celebrate his 89th birthday on June 29th.
July 6th I'll be back in the States for the start of the summer semester.
Earlier today I got an email from my Nigerian cousin Kentrosaurus:
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND 'TOP SECRET'. I AM SURE AND HAVE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR ABILITY AND RELIABILITY TO PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION OF THIS GREAT MAGNITUDE INVOLVING A PENDING TRANSACTION REQUIRING MAXIIMUM CONFIDENCE.
WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORATION OF GOODS INTO OUR COUNTRY WITH FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA. IN ORDER TO COMMENCE THIS BUSINESS WE SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ENABLE US TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THE SAID TRAPPED FUNDS.
THE SOURCE OF THIS FUND IS AS FOLLOWS; DURING THE LAST MILITARY REGIME HERE IN NIGERIA, THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED THEMSELVES CONTRACTS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED IN VARIOUS MINISTRIES. THE PRESENT CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT SET UP A CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL AND WE HAVE IDENTIFIED A LOT OF INFLATED CONTRACT FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY FLOATING IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA READY FOR PAYMENT.
HOWEVER, BY VIRTUE OF OUR POSITION AS CIVIL SERVANTS AND MEMBERS OF THIS PANEL, WE CANNOT ACQUIRE THIS MONEY IN OUR NAMES. I HAVE THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE WOULD TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$21,320,000.00(TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). HENCE WE ARE WRITING YOU THIS LETTER. WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY THUS; 1. 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER 2. 70% FOR US (THE OFFICIALS) 3. 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING TAXATION AND ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENSES. IT IS FROM THE 70% THAT WE WISH TO COMMENCE THE IMPORTATION BUSINESS.
PLEASE,NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND WE HOPE TO COMMENCE THE TRANSFER LATEST SEVEN (7) BANKING DAYS FROM THE DATE OF THE RECEIPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIOM BY TEL/FAX; 234-1-7740449, YOUR COMPANY'S SIGNED, AND STAMPED LETTERHEAD PAPER THE ABOVE INFORMATION WILL ENABLE US WRITE LETTERS OF CLAIM AND JOB DESCRIPTION RESPECTIVELY. THIS WAY WE WILL USE YOUR COMPANY'S NAME TO APPLY FOR PAYMENT AND RE-AWARD THE CONTRACT IN YOUR COMPANY'S NAME.
WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING THIS BUSINESS WITH YOU AND SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSATION. PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER USING THE ABOVE TEL/FAX NUMBERS. I WILL SEND YOU DETAILED INFORMATION OF THIS PENDING PROJECT WHEN I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
DR CLEMENT OKON
NOTE; PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (VE/S/09/99) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES.
" It looks like he's trying to supplement his military pension again," said Stegosaurus. "He's my cousin and I love him, but Kentrosaurus can sometimes be a real con artist!!"
****************
Yes, this is a joke. For more information on the "Nigerian / 419 Scam visit snopes.com here
From that website here's an important note from Barbara Mikkelson:
The Secret Service asks if you have been victimized by the Nigerian scam to forward appropriate written documentation to the United States Secret Service, Financial Crimes Division, 950 H Street, NW, Washington, D.C. 20223, or telephone (202) 406-5850, or contact by e-mail. Per their automated response system, they no longer want faxed copies of the various Nigerian scams.
However, it needs be pointed out there is only so much the Secret Service or any law enforcement agency can do if the perpetrators of the scam are not within their jurisdiction. Your local police department cannot send officers to Nigeria to arrest the fellows who are attempting to con you out of your life savings any more than Nigerian police could show up on your doorstep to put the handcuffs on you.
Folks angered by Nigerian scam come-ons often want to see justice done and done quickly, yet often there is little that can be done because those behind the thefts are in other parts of the world. Ergo, the best protection is an awareness that the laws of your country are not always enforceable in other lands, so it behooves to you always proceed with caution when dealing with people or business entities in foreign locales.
Barbara "fraud gods" Mikkelson
Thursday, June 4, 2009
" After celebrating my 140 million and third birthday in Spain and cutting the ribbon on the Stegosaurus School of Dance there, I stomped on down to New Zealand to spend the rest of my college break birdwatching for The Giant Moa and / or Haast's Eagles," said Stegosaurus. After relaxing it will be time to return to The States for my second semester of college."
Sunday, May 17, 2009
"My first semester of college is over!" announced Stegosaurus. "To celebrate I've taken some time off and stomped on over to Spain, where the biggest Stegosaurus footprint has been found. You see that was before my diet.
I am building a branch of the Stegosaurus School of Dance here, so I'll be in Spain for a while. To mark this occasion, Flamenco dancing will be half off for the month of May.
Also, to honor my friend Frankie "Musclehead" Manning who became extinct on April 28th, all Lindy Hop dance lessons are half off as well. It is a shame that mammals become extinct so young; he was only 94. "
I am building a branch of the Stegosaurus School of Dance here, so I'll be in Spain for a while. To mark this occasion, Flamenco dancing will be half off for the month of May.
Also, to honor my friend Frankie "Musclehead" Manning who became extinct on April 28th, all Lindy Hop dance lessons are half off as well. It is a shame that mammals become extinct so young; he was only 94. "
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Stegosaurus Races
Mark Johnson: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Stegosaurus Races at Church hill downs, in Louisville, Kentucky We welcome you to this storied event, millions of years older than another race held here which involves horses, to watch Stegosaurus and his cousins race at Church hill downs. We have at the starting gate, the large, lovable Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado, USA, Kentrosaurus of Kenya, Africa; Stegosaurus Claus of Brazil, and Lexovissaurus of France. We inform you with much regret that Wuerhosaurus of China had intended to participate, but he is coming by slow boat, which being aptly named has yet to arrive. The Stegosaurids wait at the gate for the race to begin."
In the growing crowd of race attendees milling about waiting for the Kentucky Derby ( involving horses ) to begin, was a Mr. Herring and a Ms. Scott leading their cat, Na Nyuk Fish, on a leash. None of the people in the crowd seemed to be looking at the racing field of Stegosaurids; as they were all too busy standing around drinking Mint Juleps and talking about horse bloodlines and horse sperm, two very popular topics which precede any horse race. This was not the case for Mr. Herring.
Mark Johnson: "And, they're off! ..... Stegosaurus at first in the lead, Kentrosaurus at the outside, Stegosaurus Claus and Lexovissaurus bringing up the rear. Aren't they odd, ladies and gentlemen, watching them race about the track.... and what a thunderous commmotion it causes! At the first turn now, Kentrosaurus takes the lead, Stegosaurus now in second place. Lexovissaurus keeping good pace beside Stegosaurus Claus. This is a sight that has to be seen to be believed. "
"Look!" exclaims Mr. Herring, pointing out to the track just as the racing dinosaurs turn the corner. "Stegosaurus! Stegosaurus on the track!"
Ms. Scott looks but sees nothing. " I think you've had too many Mint Juleps," rejoined Mr. Herring's interlocutoress.
Mark Johnson: "And we're now in the home stretch! Lexovissaurus is picking up his pace, leaving Stegosuarus Claus in the dust! Kentrosaurus is barely in the lead, with Stegosaurus falling firmly into the second position! Here comes Lexovissaurus now ladies and gentlemen! Really picking up speed! And its Lexovissaurus by a nose / beak, with Kentrosaurus in second place, Stegosaurus is third, and Stegosaurus Claus fourth. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, Lexovissaurus of France is the winner!
So félicitations to Lexovissaurus of France!"
Stegosaurus Races Press Confrence, May 2nd 2009 Church hill downs, Louisville, KY
Stegosaurus: My cousins and I have called this press confrence today to express our joy at attending the annual Stegosaurus races yet again, and to set the record straight regarding a misconception.
Please welcome to our press conference today in addtion to myself my cousin Kentrosaurus, of Africa, my cousin Lexovissaurus, of France and our friend and benefactor who has come from Brazil, Stegosaurus Claus. It was very nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule of making toys for all the good boys and girls of the world to speak with us today.
We regret to tell you that our cousin Wuerhosaurus of China wanted to be here but he is not. He wanted to race, but left China by a slow boat which has yet to arrive.
collective sigh of regret from the audience.
Kentrosaurus: Thank you for attending today.
Lexovissaurus : Je suis heureux d’être ici aujourd’hui.
Stegosaurus Claus: I'm glad to be here as well. I might have left Brazil, but I'm still making a list and checking it twice, even now. So, be good!
Stegosaurus: The first statement we'd like to make is that we sure have enjoyed racing today, We can race pretty fast for such awkward creatures goodness knows, especially Lexovissaurus who won the race.... but we'd all like to make a joint statement that even though we have 8 points of similarity with our good brother horse and we are easily confused with him....
Kentrosaurus: The similarity is very striking. If we're grazing in a field together its very hard to tell us apart. I invited our sister Quagga over for Christmas, and our neighbors were totally confused.
Stegosaurus: .... yes, and even though some places in these parts like to think so we'd all like to release a joint statement that, unlike our brother horse, we have never ever, worn saddles of any type. Not western, not english, not australian... none at all.
Lexovissaurus: Absolument aucun ne me convient. Je n’ai jamais porté de selles. Jamais. Je ne suis pas comme mon Cousin Américain, je n’ai pas beaucoup d’épatantes sexy plaques et je ne veux pas les couvrir avec un inconfortable truc fait de peaux mammifères. J’ai déjà fait une observation de ceci, c’est que pas seulement ne portons-nous de selles, nous les Stégosaures ne portons pas de chapeaux. Pas jamais, pas du tout .....
Kentrosaurus pokes Lexovissaurus... Um, cousin... don't look now, but, well, we have a Stegosaurid with us....
Stegosaurus Claus: ...who happens to be an exception to the norm. You can't help but notice, Lexovissarus, that I always wear hats.
Lexovissaurus: blushing ... Je veux avoir des cadeaux pour Noël, alors, je reconnais mon erreur. Je reconnais mon erreur. Et j’aimerais aussi aujourd’hui dire que je suis fier d’avoir gagné la course, de cette ancienne tradition qui est répéter depuis plus de 160 millions d’années. Merci pour vos applaudissements et vos félicitations. Hourra pour la France ! J’aimerais faire don de mes gains de la course aujourd’hui à Bethlehem Farms, pas long d’ici à Lexington. Cela va les aider à fournir des soins pour les chevaux de mon frère qui ont eu de la malchance.
crowd applause.
Stegosaurus: Thank you, thank you all. Now if the press will excuse us, as grass is one of the finest new inventions of our modern age, we must go forthwith to trim the lawn at the Ashland estate in Lexington; and I understand that there is a very big arboretum nearby there which looks very delicious.
If you will, please excuse us....
Stegosaurus Claus: Thank you for coming to our races today. I'll see you Christmas Eve, if you all are good!
Kentrosaurus: I was very pleased to take part in the races today. Thank you for attending.
Lexovissaurus: Je vous remercie tous pour être venu. Maintenant je ne c’est pas ce que vous allez faire, mais moi je vais avoir du fromage avec mon pâturin ......
Mark Johnson: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Stegosaurus Races at Church hill downs, in Louisville, Kentucky We welcome you to this storied event, millions of years older than another race held here which involves horses, to watch Stegosaurus and his cousins race at Church hill downs. We have at the starting gate, the large, lovable Mr. Stegosaurus of Colorado, USA, Kentrosaurus of Kenya, Africa; Stegosaurus Claus of Brazil, and Lexovissaurus of France. We inform you with much regret that Wuerhosaurus of China had intended to participate, but he is coming by slow boat, which being aptly named has yet to arrive. The Stegosaurids wait at the gate for the race to begin."
In the growing crowd of race attendees milling about waiting for the Kentucky Derby ( involving horses ) to begin, was a Mr. Herring and a Ms. Scott leading their cat, Na Nyuk Fish, on a leash. None of the people in the crowd seemed to be looking at the racing field of Stegosaurids; as they were all too busy standing around drinking Mint Juleps and talking about horse bloodlines and horse sperm, two very popular topics which precede any horse race. This was not the case for Mr. Herring.
Mark Johnson: "And, they're off! ..... Stegosaurus at first in the lead, Kentrosaurus at the outside, Stegosaurus Claus and Lexovissaurus bringing up the rear. Aren't they odd, ladies and gentlemen, watching them race about the track.... and what a thunderous commmotion it causes! At the first turn now, Kentrosaurus takes the lead, Stegosaurus now in second place. Lexovissaurus keeping good pace beside Stegosaurus Claus. This is a sight that has to be seen to be believed. "
"Look!" exclaims Mr. Herring, pointing out to the track just as the racing dinosaurs turn the corner. "Stegosaurus! Stegosaurus on the track!"
Ms. Scott looks but sees nothing. " I think you've had too many Mint Juleps," rejoined Mr. Herring's interlocutoress.
Mark Johnson: "And we're now in the home stretch! Lexovissaurus is picking up his pace, leaving Stegosuarus Claus in the dust! Kentrosaurus is barely in the lead, with Stegosaurus falling firmly into the second position! Here comes Lexovissaurus now ladies and gentlemen! Really picking up speed! And its Lexovissaurus by a nose / beak, with Kentrosaurus in second place, Stegosaurus is third, and Stegosaurus Claus fourth. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, Lexovissaurus of France is the winner!
So félicitations to Lexovissaurus of France!"
Stegosaurus Races Press Confrence, May 2nd 2009 Church hill downs, Louisville, KY
Stegosaurus: My cousins and I have called this press confrence today to express our joy at attending the annual Stegosaurus races yet again, and to set the record straight regarding a misconception.
Please welcome to our press conference today in addtion to myself my cousin Kentrosaurus, of Africa, my cousin Lexovissaurus, of France and our friend and benefactor who has come from Brazil, Stegosaurus Claus. It was very nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule of making toys for all the good boys and girls of the world to speak with us today.
We regret to tell you that our cousin Wuerhosaurus of China wanted to be here but he is not. He wanted to race, but left China by a slow boat which has yet to arrive.
collective sigh of regret from the audience.
Kentrosaurus: Thank you for attending today.
Lexovissaurus : Je suis heureux d’être ici aujourd’hui.
Stegosaurus Claus: I'm glad to be here as well. I might have left Brazil, but I'm still making a list and checking it twice, even now. So, be good!
Stegosaurus: The first statement we'd like to make is that we sure have enjoyed racing today, We can race pretty fast for such awkward creatures goodness knows, especially Lexovissaurus who won the race.... but we'd all like to make a joint statement that even though we have 8 points of similarity with our good brother horse and we are easily confused with him....
Kentrosaurus: The similarity is very striking. If we're grazing in a field together its very hard to tell us apart. I invited our sister Quagga over for Christmas, and our neighbors were totally confused.
Stegosaurus: .... yes, and even though some places in these parts like to think so we'd all like to release a joint statement that, unlike our brother horse, we have never ever, worn saddles of any type. Not western, not english, not australian... none at all.
Lexovissaurus: Absolument aucun ne me convient. Je n’ai jamais porté de selles. Jamais. Je ne suis pas comme mon Cousin Américain, je n’ai pas beaucoup d’épatantes sexy plaques et je ne veux pas les couvrir avec un inconfortable truc fait de peaux mammifères. J’ai déjà fait une observation de ceci, c’est que pas seulement ne portons-nous de selles, nous les Stégosaures ne portons pas de chapeaux. Pas jamais, pas du tout .....
Kentrosaurus pokes Lexovissaurus... Um, cousin... don't look now, but, well, we have a Stegosaurid with us....
Stegosaurus Claus: ...who happens to be an exception to the norm. You can't help but notice, Lexovissarus, that I always wear hats.
Lexovissaurus: blushing ... Je veux avoir des cadeaux pour Noël, alors, je reconnais mon erreur. Je reconnais mon erreur. Et j’aimerais aussi aujourd’hui dire que je suis fier d’avoir gagné la course, de cette ancienne tradition qui est répéter depuis plus de 160 millions d’années. Merci pour vos applaudissements et vos félicitations. Hourra pour la France ! J’aimerais faire don de mes gains de la course aujourd’hui à Bethlehem Farms, pas long d’ici à Lexington. Cela va les aider à fournir des soins pour les chevaux de mon frère qui ont eu de la malchance.
crowd applause.
Stegosaurus: Thank you, thank you all. Now if the press will excuse us, as grass is one of the finest new inventions of our modern age, we must go forthwith to trim the lawn at the Ashland estate in Lexington; and I understand that there is a very big arboretum nearby there which looks very delicious.
If you will, please excuse us....
Stegosaurus Claus: Thank you for coming to our races today. I'll see you Christmas Eve, if you all are good!
Kentrosaurus: I was very pleased to take part in the races today. Thank you for attending.
Lexovissaurus: Je vous remercie tous pour être venu. Maintenant je ne c’est pas ce que vous allez faire, mais moi je vais avoir du fromage avec mon pâturin ......
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"After my class and I unsuccessfully tried to topple a Sequoiadendron giganteum ( they were just too tall, even for four of us. ) We left California and all stomped up into Canada to dine on some pinus contorta and to visit with my Canadian friend Styracosaurus," said Stegosaurus.
"We celebrated the holiday sacred to herbivorous dinosaurs everywhere: Arbor Day. Though he was glad to see me, Styracosaurus chastised me for missing out on the annual King Kong Dinosaur Cast Reunion this year. There's no doubt about it....! The life of a Stegosaurus, ( especially if he's in graduate school. ) is very busy indeed."
"We celebrated the holiday sacred to herbivorous dinosaurs everywhere: Arbor Day. Though he was glad to see me, Styracosaurus chastised me for missing out on the annual King Kong Dinosaur Cast Reunion this year. There's no doubt about it....! The life of a Stegosaurus, ( especially if he's in graduate school. ) is very busy indeed."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
A Simple Method For Determining The Sex Of Your Pet Stegosaurus
Are you confused about the sex of your pet Stegosaurus?
Well there is an easy method to use for determination that works at least 50 % of the time.
Watch the movie Champion with your pet Stegosaurus.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Marilyn Maxwell, its a boy.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Kirk Douglas, its a girl.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over both of these celebrites there is a good chance that your Stegosaurus is bisexual.
Determining homosexuality in Stegosaurids is much more difficult because as a general rule they believe in the don't ask don't tell policy.
This method works 50% of the time, since a majority of Stegosaurids are easily enamoured with celebrity pop culture. Once this happens, it is difficult ( but not impossible ) to get them interested in their own species again.
Good luck!
Are you confused about the sex of your pet Stegosaurus?
Well there is an easy method to use for determination that works at least 50 % of the time.
Watch the movie Champion with your pet Stegosaurus.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Marilyn Maxwell, its a boy.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over Kirk Douglas, its a girl.
If your Stegosaurus swoons over both of these celebrites there is a good chance that your Stegosaurus is bisexual.
Determining homosexuality in Stegosaurids is much more difficult because as a general rule they believe in the don't ask don't tell policy.
This method works 50% of the time, since a majority of Stegosaurids are easily enamoured with celebrity pop culture. Once this happens, it is difficult ( but not impossible ) to get them interested in their own species again.
Good luck!
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