Bonjour, je m’appelle Loricatosaurus!

"Après avoir graduez d’Oxford, j’avais hâte de retourner en Angleterre et de commencer mon nouvel emploi comme un Paléontologiste! Je ne suis pas inquiète de me retrouver; si je continue de creuser, je vais me retrouver éventuellement ; je dois être quelque part! Mon cher époux qui est tout naturellement attaché à la France était venu à ma graduation d’Oxford et a sauté à la chance de venir, parce que cela était très important pour moi. Je lui ai dit que j’étais convaincu que j’étais Française, mais que quelque pièces de moi-même avait été trouvées en Angleterre en 1957 et que je voulais commencer une recherche à cette endroit. Nous avons laissé notre confortable caverne Française, le 7 de Janvier, et avons piétiné directement à Cambridgeshire, Angleterre dans presque pas de temps. Durant la belle après-midi du 15 de Janvier, nous sommes allés à la cité de la cathédrale de Peterborough où des pièces de moi ont été trouvées dernièrement. Ceci était 75 miles précisément en dehors de Londres, un beau petit village sur la rivière Nene. Les mammifères ont vécu ici depuis le 12ème siècle, mais je pense que c’était bien avant ce siècle.

Avant de commencer à creuser, nous avons prise une belle marche le long de la rivière Nene et nous avons mangé un délicieux repas de Betula pubescens, ensemble. Nous avons dégusté un dessert de Prunus spinosa; mais il n’y avait pas beaucoup d’endroits sauvages dans la cité; elle traverse un grand afflux de migration de mammifères et aussi tous les plans de construction qui suaient avec tout cela. Pourtant nous avons passé un très beau temps.

Dès le levé du soleil de la prochaine matinée, j’ai sérieusement commencé à creuser. Pour notre pause déjeuner nous avons pensé de manger encore des Prunus spinosa; mais nous voulions conserver la verdure de l’endroit et ne pas manger tout autours de nous, mon cher époux était d’accord d’aller rechercher un autre type de bel arbre qui est plus en abondance, pour manger. Il est revenu après avoir ramassé un généreux montant de Crataegus monogyna pour nous deux.

Il m’a demandé si j’avais jusqu’à présent trouvé quoi que ce soi. Si j’avais trouvé quelque chose de moi-même. Je lui ai répondu, "Non pas encore, mon chéri ..... mais je ne suis pas découragé. Une chose qu’un dinosaure a apprit après beaucoup de millions d’années est la patience."

"Je suis déterminée de me trouver tôt ou tard; Je vais continuer d’essayer quel que soit le montent de temps qu’il faut. Cette année, l’année prochaine, un million années d’aujourd’hui, je vais continuer jusqu’à ce que je sache où j’y suis."

"Maintenant que je suis graduée d’Oxford et je suis éduquée, j’ai le temps de considérer d’autres choses en plus de où je suis. Ma question pour toi, cher époux est, as-tu jamais considéré de devenir un père. Penses-tu avoir des enfants une bonne idée?"

" Ma chère, honnêtement je ne sais pas. J’ai des soucis, maintenant que le sujet a été approché," répondit mon époux.

Je lui ai demandé d’élaborer et il a été franc avec moi, immédiatement, il m’a dit, "Tu sais que l’année de notre mariage la science m’a déclaré nomen dubium (n’existe plus) j’accepte que la science croit que je n’existe plus !! Ils sont toujours après catégorisez les choses et toutes les planètes. Que ferons-nous lorsque la Science décidera que nous sommes nomen dubium ?? Quelle sorte de vie auront-ils nous enfants?"

"Mon observation d’être nomen dubium n’a pas fait du mal à Trachodon ou Agathaumas".

"Stégosaures Claus leur a donné des cadeaux de Noël l’année dernière et l’année précédente."

"Je me rappelle de ce que mon cousin Stégosaures a fait pour eux," répondit Lexovissaurus, "Mais il n’y a pas de stigma associé avec nomen dubium, Trachodon et Agathaumas sont confortables, mais c’est une vie difficile et je ne sais pas si je veux que nos enfants vivent cette sorte de vie."

"Ce n’est pas comme nous allons tous disparaitre," j’ai répondit. "Nous allons toujours être là pour eux, nous ne seront pas mentionnés dans les journaux scientifiques ..."

"Torosaurus? Quand le Congrès Américain débattait l’existence des Congresssaurus Triceratops il y a quelques années; il a disparu après son témoignage."

"Il n’a pas disparu," je lui ai dit, ".....son nom a été désactivé, afin de respecter l'esprit et l'objectif du présent accord il est devenu un Triceratops. Il a été simplement classifié de nouveau."

"Tu a raison; étant donné, c’est une bonne considération, et peut-être nous devons y penser après que tu te retrouveras. Peut-être dans quelques millions d’années ou plus. Aussi longtemps que cela prendra."

"D’accord, mon chéri," "Nous allons en discuter aussitôt que tu te retrouveras. De nouveau, je dois être dans les environs quelques parts. Je ne dois pas être trop loin d’ici de dans les derniers 166 million années."

A few days before the Christmas holiday, Stegosaurus Claus arrived in Johannesburg, South Africa to pick up Spinosaurus so that Spinosaurus could protect the jolly old stegosaurus stenops during his annual journey around the world delivering presents to all the good boys and girls everywhere. Once Spinosaurus was prepared for the journey, they both stomped to Cape Town, South Africa to visit Sister Quagga. They found her grazing on the vast African plain.

"Hail, Sister Quagga, and happy holidays to you!" declared Stegosaurus Claus.

"Stegosaurus Claus!" exclaimed Sister Quagga. "Spinosaurus! What a surprise this close to Christmas Day! What brings you here to Cape Town?"

"Spinosaurus is coming with me as he has the last couple of years to protect me on my journey around the world, and we thought we'd stop by to visit and say hi before we got really busy."

"How very kind," said Quagga, "I am trimming these plains here to make them look nice for my own holiday coming up soon. You know how festive I am; I am always ready for a cheerful celebration."

"Quaggamas is a fine holiday," said Stegosaurus Claus. "I'd be very glad to help you but it is so close to Christmas, and Spinosaurus and I must return to my workshop in Brazil before Christmas Eve."

"Understood; no problem at all," said Quagga cheerfully. One thing about Quaggas, besides being inherently festive, they are also quite cheerful creatures.

"I can hardly wait for Christmas Eve!" declared Spinosaurus with the zeal of a young child. "I hope lots of children are naughty this year; I'm very very hungry."

"Now wait, wait, what did I tell you the first time, and any other Christmas season I have had your company on my travels?" asked Stegosaurus Claus. Then, he answered his own question. "I said you may whack naughty children with your tail, not eat them. Never eat them. Never. If you do, I will ask Tyrannosaurus Rex to come with me. He asked again this year, you know and I told him you were still coming with me. Now mind your manners, because eating Children does not exactly evoke the Christmas Spirit."

"Awwwww..." said Spinosaurus.

"Now I know you try hard, and I trust you," said Stegosaurus Claus.

"Not even one? Not even a little one? I promise to be discreet."

"Not even one. Not only will Tyrannosaurus Rex come with me if you eat so much as one, I'll never bring you presents on Christmas ever, ever again!"

"Okay. I'll do my best."

"Good."

"I'm glad that issue is resolved .... or stays resolved," said Quagga.

"What else do you need to do to prepare for your holiday of Quaggamas?" asked Stegosaurus Claus.

"The call for traditions in this relatively young holiday is still out there and I am hoping it will pick up as the years go by. Some things just start out slowly. I trim my plains, brush my coat, look festive and cheerful to everyone I meet. I believe that this is a wonderful world we live in and I choose to make my journey here and my interactions with fellow creatures pleasant. Of course my ultimate goal is to see the Quagga Project bear definitive proof so that I may become de-extinct; like Woolly Mammoth my hope is to return to the land of the living."

"You have a good heart, Sister Quagga, a good heart and good blessings come to those who are pure in heart and intent. I will leave you with a generous helping of goodwill, love, and Christmas spirit. I also leave you with the word of my ancient fathers, Shalom .... may all good things be yours.... I can assure you that you find your own blessings when you put others before yourself. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you."

"To you the same," said Quagga. "May your journey be safe, and Spinosaurus remain trustworthy."

"I know what my nature is," said Spinosaurus, ".....but I too, am overcome with Christmas spirit after all these uplifting words, and wish nothing but peace on earth to all. The world needs us not to argue and must have peace and goodwill now more than ever."

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In early October, Woolly Mammoth and Kentrosaurus stomped to Lake Tahoe in California near The Eldorado National Forest.

"My intent today is to hold the grandest spiritual revival the United States has ever seen in its history. One that Reverend Billy Graham and God himself can be proud of," said Woolly Mammoth. "I want to bring the Word of the Lord to all who will hear today and save souls from the cold land of extinction!"

"By the grace of God, I believe you will," said Kentrosaurus. "I am going into the Eldorado Forest to see if I can find gold.."

"Now, you know it says in the Good Book that you cannot serve two masters, God and money," scolded Woolly Mammoth suddenly. "What good use can you make of shiny rocks?"

"I read on the internet how much mammals like those shiny rocks," said Kentrosaurus, "... and I am sure I can find enough to kickstart a fundraiser for the wife and children of Giant Ground Sloth, they are going to need the help and I'd really like to plant a nice forest for them to live in with the resources I gain from that endeavor."

"This is very wise!" exclaimed Woolly Mammoth. "I am proud of you, and I should immediately apologize for jumping to conclusions."

"Thank you, but there is no need," said Kentrosaurus.

"I will go down to the river to pray," said Woolly Mammoth. "I will wade in the water. I will baptize with water to prepare the way like John did, for he who shall baptize with fire. Many shall come, many shall hear the Word. And many shall be saved. Much more than at the tar pits, even."

"I am sure to return from my venture before the end of your sermon. I will help you make a joyful noise unto the Lord Jesus," said Kentrosaurus.

"You are welcome to be there; look at the crowd that has assembled already to hear me speak. Wow," said Woolly Mammoth, momentarily stunned by his own fame.

"I must go, may the Word of the Lord come to me true, and speak the truth to the people."

Thus, Kentrosaurus went to dig for gold, in hopes of raising the resources to plant a forest for the family of Giant Ground Sloth to live in; while Woolly Mammoth stomped forthrightly to the edge of Lake Tahoe. Many people had come to hear him speak, and he was immediately humbled.

"Brothers and sisters, I greet you this afternoon, in the name of Lord Jesus. I am humbled by your presence, and I pray you will find the peace of the Lord and wisdom in the words I speak today. I am compelled to speak a sermon on St. Matthew 6:25 ~ 34. Hark! and pray attend!"

"We have endured much turmoil of late in this country; there needs to come about healing and peace; love and understanding. Open your hearts and minds to the Word and the Grace of the Lord, who waits to embrace you as you embrace your brother and sister in Christ. There has been much anxiety that brings a tear to my eye, for in the immediate moment, the only thing we can do is pray and wait to listen for that still, small voice within. The time to act may come, we will stand vigilant against injustice, but for now we must be still and know the Lord God. The Lord advises us through his Holy Son Jesus Christ, "Be thou not anxious; free thy mind and seek the light within. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Can I get an Amen, brothers and sisters? An AMEN!?!!?"

The crowd responded as asked; Woolly Mammoth then declared "Raise your voice to the Lord Jesus in Heaven, AMEN! He is without, but He is also WITHIN. Seek high, and seek low, travel far and near, and it will yet be easier to find Christ within than without. As you raise your voice high, look upon the birds above!! Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? Oh, verily, one moment to his years, if ye are one or one million, ye have but one life to give, and Christ awaits for thee."
"If a positive outcome thou dost want, it must begin as thought.... how much pain we suffer over imagined injustice before brother horse has left the gate; speak not with animosity to thy brother, thy sister, thy mother and father, nor any kin, of blood or land near or far. Seek to create change on earth by thought to bring about the outcome thou most desire. If thy goal is honest the Lord will hear thy earnest prayer. Verily, I say unto thee, the words of the Good Book: And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. Like wise, a famous mammal of this Country once said, "How much pain hath cost us the evils which have never happened?" Keep your faith alive, and ye shall be rewarded! Keep the course true, and the Light of the World shall indeed light the way! I raise mine eyes, and my trunk, to the Heavens in gratitude and glory to He who is the Lord and King of Kings!!"

"Verily I say to thee the WORD of the Lord: But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. If you are feeling evil upon you, come to Lake Tahoe with me after my sermon, and I shall conduct baptisms in the lake to give you peace, heal your heart, and SAVE your SOUL. My purpose in coming here, indeed, in returning from the cold, dark Land of extinction is to save your souls! I want to see you happy, I want to see you free in the light and love of the Lord Jesus!"

"Can I get an amen, brothers and sisters? An amen?"

The enraptured crowd responded as asked, to which Woolly Mammoth rejoined, "AMEN! PRAISE JESUS!"

As the sermon concluded, Kentrosaurus returned from his treasure hunting, pleased with all that he had found to help him attain the resources to plant a forest for the wife and children of Giant Ground Sloth to live comfortably in. But for the time being he went down to the water and assisted Woolly Mammoth with the baptisms then taking place.

They sang songs, danced and rejoiced. At the end of the evening, the revival was over, Woolly Mammoth and Kentrosaurus bid farewell to all who had attended, and to the USA. They returned forthwith to South Africa and the Holy Pentecostal Church of the Pleistocene Revival where they again rejoiced and praised God for their safe return in devout prayer.

In late September, just before the start of the Fall season, Stegosaurus stomped forthrightly to Scotland to visit his friend Plesiosaur before his semester started at school. On the banks of Loch Ness, he joined Plesiosaur to make a joint statement during a public press conference.

"Good afternoon, press corps of Scotland, and places around the World .... Dinosaurus and Megafauna, Hello, I'd like to welcome you to the banks of Loch Ness, in beautiful wonderful Scotland. I'm pleased to see you all here today," said Stegosaurus. "I am here this fine afternoon with my friend Plesiosaur to talk to you. She would like to make a statement to the press regarding her recent "appearance" in the loch."

"Thank you, Stegosaurus," said Plesiosaur. "You are so kind."

"Good afternoon, loyal friends and fans. I would like to address my recent "appearance" in the news. I know you all love me, and since about 1933 a lot of very bad photographers have taken very bad photographs that purport to be of me in this very loch. I am told that I am personally responsible for boosting the tourism industry of the lovely country of Scotland which I think loves me most of all. I appreciate the attention, honestly I do, but after 83 years it is finally time to come clean and be honest about this whole business of Loch Ness and what and who lives there. I must say that this press conference was not called without a good deal of soul searching thought and consideration. The last thing I want to do is harm the fanciful dreams of small children, the ambition of slightly kooky researchers, and certainly not the tourist industry of my friendly hosts in Scotland. I hope I can be forgiven if what I say here today causes any sadness, or economic calamity.

It is just that I have to be honest. This new picture of "me" is nothing more than a trio of seals. Nothing against seals, I like seals they are some of the most adorable mammals invented since mammals were invented. They're just not ME. Also, I am not Eels. Some of the pictures that are supposed to be of me are actually Eels. They are very large Eels; we have very large Eels here larger than the average but they are just Eels. Nothing against Eels OR seals, but they are not ME. The truth is, I do not live here at all. I do not live in Canada; I am not Ogopogo of Lake Okanagan. I am not Champ, the Lake Champlain Monster, I do not live in Sweden, or Patagonia. I have never met any Saints in the Christian religion; Not here at Loch Ness or anywhere. In fact, I do not live here at all. I'm very sorry to disappoint you."

"Now everyone calm down! Calm down!" Insisted Stegosaurus, trying to still the anxiety of a murmuring press corps. "Please eat some aloe plants...."

"I DO have good news," said Plesiosaur. "I do not live here, but I know someone who does. Be calm, please be calm."

The press became quiet and listened.

"I do not live here..." said Plesiosaur, "....but my friend Elasmosaurus does. We look very similar, which is why we can be confused... particularly with the grainy pictures that are taken here. We just don't photograph well, I suppose. But the trick is that Elasmosaurus, she's agoraphobic, so she does not come to the surface. She's always been afraid of mammals, but since mammals have dominated the landscape in the last few million years there are just too many to make her feel comfortable about coming to the surface. She assures me that it isn't you, its her, so don't feel badly, please. You probably won't see Elasmosaurus and you won't see me because I don't live here. You will see some nice and friendly seals and Eels. Thank you, everyone, thanks for coming. I know it sounds harsh, it has been a joke that has gone on for over 80 years, and I just couldn't let it go on anymore. I suspect in spite of this press conference today the sightings will yet continue for generations more, since many mammals are blind to facts that contradict what they want to believe about anything, so I hope you all will continue to have fun photographing seals, Eels and logs and trying to convince your friends and neighbors that they are me. Thank you and good afternoon."

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“The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency stomped forthrightly down to Louisiana as soon as we heard the mammals down there were in trouble,” said Stegosaurus. “My classmates and I went to work repairing the levee along the Amite River in Ascension Parish, while a flock of Moa Birds, along with Rhedosaurus and his lovely wife Lady Rhedosaurus went to Livingston Parish to help rebuild mammal structures, since 75% of the mammals who lived there lost their homes.
When my friend Western Black Rhino showed up and asked where he could be of the most help, I sent him there. I’m so glad to see him getting out and about more these days. The first few months of his extinction were really hard on him; That kind of thing, getting out and engaging with the world is really important to do, especially the first few hundred years you’re extinct. 146,000 mammal homes were damaged across the entire State of Louisiana, so he’ll have a lot of work to keep him busy.”
“I have also heard, said Stegosaurus, from Lady Rhedosaurus how proud she is of her husband lately as he has really worked to improve his relationship with figures of mammal authority. She said,
“He has really reduced his intake of policemen, once the primary staple of his diet, down to about one or two a week! I feel they’re really starting to let bygones be bygones and trust him not to rampage and eat them alive. It’s such a nice feeling.”
“I know he’s worked really hard at it,” said Stegosaurus.
“Yes, he was tempted to eat a member of the National Guard, but resisted! Also, he hasn’t yet eaten a single member of the Cajun Navy. He hasn’t even threatened them!” Swooned Lady Rhedosaurus.
“He hasn’t eaten a Paleontologist since Professor Thurgood Elson in 1953!” Lady Rhedosaurus continued enthusiastically. "Not that there is one here at the moment to be had ..."
“I began to find some of this hard to believe. If he was not consuming his regular diet, then what was he eating? It can’t possibly be that Rhedosaurus suddenly decided to give plant eating a try, but I hoped for the best. It would be quite tragic if one of the rescuers employed by The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency terrorized the locals. “
"We were really too busy to worry about all of that in the end," said Stegosaurus. After all, there had been 2 feet of rain in three days; we had a lot of work to do. The media didn't report on it much, they didn't even report that WE were there, and you know when I'm around I usually make the press. I would have held my own press conference, as I am very fond of those, but I was just too busy helping those in need and saving lives. It was so unfortunate that we couldn't get there in time to save the 13 mammals who became extinct; but we did the best that we could. "
"A contingent of my classmates and I went up to East Baton Rouge Parish, to the city of Zachary, Louisiana, which suffered very badly. 26 inches of rain fell. We went to assist the Louisiana National Guard, the Coast Guard, and even the Cajun Navy to rescue those who were trapped and needed help. The Upland Moas organized a soup kitchen, which was vegetarian based until Lady Rhedosaurus showed up also and agreed to feed the meat eaters beef, ham, and seafaring animals, provided that the rescue crew was never on the menu.
This was the vegetarian menu, when the Moa Birds opened the soup kitchen:
Makeover Ultimate Cornbread
Rhubarb Cornbread Stuffing
Black Eyed Pea Salsa
Spicy Asparagus Spears
Vegetable Chili
Spinach Po Boys
Vegetarian Jambalaya
Creole Butter Beans
And then, once Lady Rhedosaurus arrived, meat was added to the menu
Classic Natchitoches Meat Pie
Southern Fried Pork Chops
Muffuletta Po’ boys
Smoked Sausage Jambalaya with Bayou Fried Chicken
Easter Ham with Coffee Glaze
Beef Daube Pot Pie
Satsuma-Glazed Ham
Grilled Venison with Chimichurri

Western Black Rhino became the mascot of the Cajun Navy, as he allowed small children to ride upon his back. It was a lot of hard work, but I always feel better for helping those in need, and gain a lot of satisfaction when I see things that had been a disaster return to normal. "
The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency left Louisiana in early September, but the residents of Louisiana will need assistance for some time yet. I encourage you to help out where ever you can. In Louisiana or in your own hometowns. In times of strife, the best parts of nature can shine through."

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