“When I finished eating the Community Arboretum in Lexington in June, ( Don't worry, it will grow back; I didn't eat it all! ) I decided to stomp forthrightly to some bucolic field somewhere just to see if I could visit with Brother Horse. The mammals were surprised to see a Stegosaurus stomping around this time of year when it is not time for the Stegosaurus Races; and even then, those who usually do only notice us when they are inebriated.

Nonetheless, because of my popularity I was soon surrounded by Mammals, especially small children saying to me, “Where are you going, Stegosaurus? Nice to see you this time of year; What brings you to town? The Stegosaurus Races have already passed for the year.”

At the same time many small children clambered around me, as they usually do, asking for rides on my back, and I stopped to address all the questions, which one has to do from time to time when you are such a famous dinosaur as I am. I try to be kind, so I addressed the questions first.

“How kind of you all to ask. If many more of you show up, I will have to hold a formal press conference, and you know how I love press conferences. I am here in the grand Commonwealth of Kentucky to visit Brother Horse. I hope maybe he will share some of that great new invention with me, Kentucky Bluegrass. Grass is one of my most favorite new inventions, and some of the best is right here in Kentucky. Now mammal childrens, I said, specifically addressing my most popular constituency, Yes, you may have rides on my back if you are careful and let your mother or father help you up safely.

I knelt down on my knees to make it easier for the mammal children to climb on me, and though a few did need help from their parents all made it safely and the mammal children were overjoyed as children are ( I love that about them ), as I stomped forthrightly down the road and back again.

“Yay!!!” They exclaimed. “Thank you, Mr. Stegosaurus !! Thank you for spending time with us, you are our favorite dinosaur of all dinosaurs!”

“You're welcome, and thank you for the compliments. There are a lot of dinosaurs out there, and you chose me as your favorite for some reason. That really means a lot to me,” said Stegosaurus.

“Have a nice time visiting Brother Horse!” said the mammal children. They waved enthusiastically as I stomped forthrightly down the road.

Shortly after leaving the crowd and adoring mammal children, I came upon a wonderful field of Bluegrass, rolling hills of that most wonderful of new inventions, grass. And there he was, in the middle of the field, Brother Horse !!

“Hail, Brother Horse !” I exclaimed, finding the entrance, but that same entrance blocked by a metal gate

Brother Horse looked up, but I already was thinking of a way I could bypass the gate and enter the field with him. I thought until my thinker was sore, and eventually came to the realization that Brother Horse jumps fences all the time, and I am related to him, so maybe I COULD jump the fence just like he would if he had the notion to do so. I went to the nearest hill overlooking the field and figured if I could get a running jump, I might be able to leap over the fence. It works in my mind, but remember my mind is only the size of a walnut.

I took a running jump and imagined myself gliding safely over just like Brother Horse does, but alas !! As I leaped over the gate, my cool, spiky tail and its spikes hooked themselves on the gate, which pulled the gate up from the earth, with a great clatter, and then I hit the ground, not on my feet as I had hoped, but landing sideways on my shoulder, the impact of my 6 tons leaving a mark upon the Earth.

When Brother Horse saw and heard the commotion, he galloped over shortly to my aid.

“Stegosaurus!” He exclaimed. “Are you Okay?”

“Oh yes, Brother Horse,” replied Stegosaurus, “Just a bit clumsy as usual.”

“Welcome to the Commonwealth of Kentucky. What brings you to visit me?” asked Brother Horse.

Stegosaurus got up off the ground and stood up, saying,”I have been visiting Kentucky since my college class ended; first I visited with Trilobite and Fake Trilobite, then, I went to Lexington and ate most of the Community Arboretum. Now I have come to visit Brother Horse, hoping that he will share some wonderful Kentucky Bluegrass with me. Sorry for the mess; I think I wrecked your gate,”

“Do not worry about the gate,” said Brother Horse, there's plenty of the grass you seek here and I will share with you though I will say that the gate being down does give us options if we want to take an adventure or two beyond the fence.”

“I love this new invention, grass,” said Stegosaurus. “Thank you for introducing me to it. My friend Congresssaurus Triceratops also enjoys it; he remembers it was just invented when he first came out of his shell.”

“Grass is delicious, especially here in Kentucky,” said Brother Horse.

Then, Stegosaurus and Brother Horse grazed in silence for a while, creating a bucolic scene for anyone to see, though nobody did, because in spite of the crowd of mammals earlier, now nobody was around.

After a while, Stegosaurus observed, “Look how many things you and I have in common. What a wonderful thing it is that my head and your head are about the same size. What a wonderful thing it is that we both have tails. What a wonderful thing it is that we are both herbivores. What a wonderful thing it is that we both walk on all fours. What a wonderful thing it is that we can both stand on our hind legs for brief periods of time. What a wonderful thing it is that we are both herd animals; what a wonderful thing it is that we were both discovered by Professor O.C. Marsh; and most of all, we are both beautiful when grazing.”

“Ah, yes,” said Brother Horse. “We have much in common being related, kind of, in a round about way if you stretch things quite a bit.”

“....and let us not forget, we both can run about 5 miles per hour!” exclaimed Stegosaurus triumphantly.

“Three cheers !!” exclaimed Brother Horse. Then, he paused. “Hey, wait,” he said, “Did you say 5 miles per hour?”

“Yes, yes I did,” said Stegosaurus.

“Well, I regret to inform you that I misspoke. I am a horse; I can indeed run faster than 5 miles per hour. In fact, I can run on average about 40 miles per hour; I am an Arabian, and one of the fastest horse breeds on the planet. My name, other than Brother Horse is Windsurfer, and no slow horse is named Windsurfer. I am 15.1 hands, sired of Moses x Riunite, I am horse, and I am fast!”

“As my friend Bob Hope once observed,” said Stegosaurus, “Half these horses should be in wheelchairs. The only reason they fight for the rail is it gives them something to lean on.”

“By this absurdity, do you mean to challenge me to a race?” asked Brother Horse incredulously.

“Ah, but I jest,” said Stegosaurus.

“Do you even know what a wheelchair is?” asked Windsurfer.

“No,” said Stegosaurus.

“Neither do I,” admitted Windsurfer.

“That said, the speed of your Brother Horse is nothing to jest about. Your challenge is accepted. Let us not race here. You have knocked down the gate and thus, we could leave here and go race at the proper venue, Churchill Downs.”

“Where the Kentucky Derby is held?” asked Stegosaurus.

“The same,” confirmed Windsurfer.

“Well, I didn't intend to challenge you, but now I feel obligated if your blood is up for a race,” said Stegosaurus

“You will lose, but I admire your determination. When you take part in the Stegosaurus Races you race with other Stegosaurids, but as I leave you in the dust you will see exactly how fast your Brother Horse is.”

As the two entered Church Hill Downs and proceeded to the racetrack, they noted that no mammals were around.

“With no one around, this will be a very short event,” said Windsurfer.

“I will be generous and give you a few lengths advance ahead of me. I acknowledge that there is a great difference between 5 and 40 miles per hour.”

I feel bad for accidentally challenging you, Brother Horse. I am sorry.” said Stegosaurus, as he took his offered position.

“Fear not, Stegosaurus. When I win we will still be friends. We shall return to my field, and graze in a bucolic setting.” Rejoined Windsurfer.

The race was indeed over almost as soon as it began. Because they were friends, they did not allow the results to change their friendship. They indeed returned to grazing in Windsurfer's field later that afternoon.

"Although the rest of my class departed for their own homes and families when finals concluded I decided to remain in Kentucky and celebrate my 140 Million and 18th birthday by eating a cherry pie ( not pictured; it was so good to eat I ate it before pictures were taken ! ) and a cake as seen here. When mammals and other creatures who are friends of mine realize that I am 140 Million and 18, they start to ask me for advice on living a long time. I am frequently asked, 'Stegosaurus, what is your secret? What can I do to live like you do, with such grace and joy in my life?"

"I always say the same thing, or a variation on it; I remind them, as the song goes, 'Don't you know it is worth / every treasure on earth / to be young at heart?' and I also say, most emphatically, that '...if you should survive / to 140 Million and 18, / think of all you'll derive / out of being alive!' Then the original question is forgotten, as mammals are sruprised to encounter a Stegosaurus, and a talking one at that ! who knows The Great American Songbook so clearly. I am a dinosaur of many talents. After 140 Million and 18 years you gather many talents.

When you reach 140 Million and 18 I can also recommend the Commonwealth of Kentucky as a place to spend your birthday. I fully expect to keep on living, barring an accident, such as Brother Allosaurus finally catching and eating me, or Heaven forbid, a Giant Meteor 2024 strike. Avoid these things, approach each day with a sense of childlike wonder, like you just came out of your shell and you'll find yourself living a most pleasant life! This is my advice to all of you, given with the deepest regard for you, your future and with love."

“My college class and I were sent to the Commonwealth of Kentucky for our finals, so on May 1st after Oblitiosaurus returned to his native Spain, I stomped forthrightly South,” said Stegosaurus. Usually the finals have us investigating various species of trees, as you will recall, but this one was all about bodies of water so we found ourselves at the reservoir of the Cumberland river in South Central Kentucky. This Is the largest body of water in the State, it is 50,000 acres (20,000 hectares). It made me wish I had brought my raft. I wasn't expecting to need my raft.

What we had to do in this body of water was seek shale underneath from the Ordovician period, the second period of the Paleozoic, an age before my time 443.8 million years ago.

It was tricky, swishing through water with my cool, spiky tail. Trying to break up the rocks below to expose the shale we were looking for; I am not, as you know, a seafaring animal. It was exhausting, and frustrating because my claws were getting stuck in the mud. Then, to my surprise I heard something say to me, “Hey, watch out there!” I looked around, and didn't see anyone around me, other than my classmates, and this was not the voice of a Stegosaurus, obviously. I began swishing my cool, spiky tail again, and then a second time I heard another voice say to me,

“Will you please stop ? Be careful, now !”

This time I stuck my head under the water to see if I could see anything, and I did ! I saw two small creatures at my feet so I lifted my head out of the water, ( again, not a seafaring animal ), and scooped them up with my claws.

“We are Trilobites of a sort,” said one.

“Hello, I'm a Stegosaurus. Are you of the sort that can live on land, or are you fully seafaring?” asked Stegosaurus.

" I am a Trilobite; we were alive between 520 and 252 million years ago. The age of my species was 485.4 Million years ago. In all this time, it was not until last September that the mammal scientists used a high resolution 3D scan of one of my fossils to determine my diet.

Generally, I eat thin-walled shells, bits of echinoderms, that family of creatures which includes sea” urchins and starfish. Scientists have speculated that we Trilobites may have had dual digestive tracts, which is a really nice feature to have; I'll get back to you if they can determine anything noteworthy.” “Well, that is very interesting,” agreed Stegosaurus. “Now second Trilobite, what can you tell me about yourself?”

“Well my story is quite fascinating. I was born on Mars, but grew up on the South side of Chicago.”

“What?” asked Stegosaurus, surprised by the answer of the second Trilobite.

“Oh, don't listen to him,” said the first Trilobite. “He's fake.”

“I look like I'm made of flesh, but its really just fancy paper mache.”

“You're just a fancy rock. Not even a fossil.”

“I may be a rock, but I identify as a fossil.”

“Whatever you are, I'll be your friend,” said Stegosaurus.

“Tell me what you think of Chicago; I lived there briefly during America's Great Depression in the early 1930s.”

“Oh, I was born in Youngstown, Ohio, but I come from the Stars. My spirit name is Stardust.”

{ sings } “We are stardust, we are golden / we are million year old carbon / and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

[ sings ] “Sometimes I wonder why I spend / my lonely nights dreaming of a song..”

Frustrated, First Trilobite exclaimed, “Will you please stop?!?”

Second Trilobite continues singing: “Stop! In the name of love........”

First Trilobite turned to Stegosaurus. “Just ignore him; he'll get bored.”

“I love to garden,” observed Stegosaurus. “I use my cool, spiky tail as a plow.”

“Next time I garden I'm planting some tomatoes,” said Fake Trilobite.

“You can only plant underwater things in your underwater garden. We're largely seafaring animals!” exclaimed First Trilobite.

“Well, if I could plant tomatoes I would,” said Fake Trilobite.

“Hey, I have an idea. Let's go out to eat. I'd like to try out The Old City Cemetery in Lexington. Let me go get my false teeth.”

“Impossible,” said Stegosaurus. “My cousins and I have tried, but we've been denied each time. There is a law.”

“You're right, Stegosaurus, that law is still in effect,” said First Trilobite. “You cannot dine there.”

“Very well, I'm not that hungry anyway,” said Fake Trilobite. “It's time for the news! CNN is my favorite news source. They say they're America's most trusted news source, so it must be true!”

“One of these days I hope you will evolve critical thinking skills and common sense,” said First Trilobite.

“I was friends with Thomas Paine prior to the American Revolution. I was the little Trilobite that could, sitting on his shoulder and encouraging him to write his pamphlet 'Common Sense'.

“Oh that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. How can a Trilobite help a mammal write? You have no arms !! You also don't need false mammal teeth to eat. You look absurd wearing dentures, by the way.”

“Well if I had arms I would. I really would. I'm going to be somebody someday. I could've been a contender! You forget about that time I attempted heavyweight champion of the world. Mohammed Ali beat me though, because he really was the greatest. Then, I decided to start a wrestling club.”

“Mohammed Ali beat Sonny Liston, and Sonny Liston was not, I repeat, NOT a Trilobite.”

“That's what you know,” countered Fake Trilobite. “Maybe I can't be a boxer. I didn't know in order to be a boxer you need arms. So I tried wrestling.”

“If you can't be a boxer without arms, how can you wrestle without arms?!? You can't write like Thomas Paine either !! “

“I can whisper in his ear....”

“Look, just accept who you are and be the best Trilobite a Trilobite can be. You don't have to make stuff up to succeed in life. If you don't cut it out, you're going to end up glued to a cheap box in a mammal fossil shop, and sold for an exorbitant fee.”

“Well, at least then I'll be worth something to somebody!”

“You see what I go through?” asked First Trilobite as he turned to Stegosaurus and sighed. “He's been this way since the Cambrian Period. It is time to return me to water. Will you please help return me to the sea? I guess you'd better return the both of us.”

“Okay, I will gladly do this for you. It was nice meeting you, and I hope we get to talk again someday.”

Stegosaurus returned the Trilobites to the sea, and decided to remain in Kentucky through July with his classmates. He could not visit the Old City Cemetery, but he did enjoy the Community Arboretum immensely.

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The Earth 140 Million Years Ago: It's A Stegosaurus World, We Just Live In It.

In the month of February Stegosaurus was visited in Colorado by his Spanish friend Oblitosuarus.

“Hail, good friend!” said Stegosaurus as he saw Oblitoosaurus arriving. “I am so pleased to see you, stay and visit for a while.”

“I shall, Stegosaurus I shall,” rejoined Oblitosuarus. “I have come to the United States in hopes of seeing you and explaining to you the trees of my native land while we enjoy some trees of your native land.”

“Welcome to America,” said Stegosaurus. “How are things on the Iberian Penninsula?”

“Just fine ." said Oblitosaurus. “This is where we regularly eat Fagus sylvatica I live in a forest full of them.”

“How delightful!” declared Stegosaurus.

“Have you got any forests of that depth here? What kind of trees grow there?” asked Oblitosaurus.

“Oh, we have entire forests of Picea pungens but we don't have as many forests of anything like we used to when I was just out of my shell. I miss the world I grew up in.”

“So do I, Stegosaurus. The age when we dinosaurs ruled the earth.”

“Do tell,” said Stegosaurus “What other kinds of trees grow on the Iberian Penninsula?”

“Other than Fagus sylvatica we have entire forests of Quercus robur which are quite delicious; have you ever had any of them?”

“I think not,” said Stegosaurus. “It looks like I am going to ask my college instructor if we can take my class on a Field Trip to Spain. I do so love to eat exotic species of Oak from time to time.”

“They are quite a treat,” said Oblitosaurus. “If you like other species of Oak you will love Quercus robur.”

“My favorites still remain the trees of my youth, which I first cut my cauliflower shaped teeth on when I was so young, the Cycads and their families. “I've refused to eat the Ginkgo biloba out of respect for the fact that they are even older than I am.”

Oblitosaurs laughed.

“Oh my friend, I find this so amusing! I hope you will forgive me for my laughing but I do respect a dinosaur who holds to his principles.”

“No offense taken my friend, as I am glad to have brought some levity to the situation life is too short not to laugh even if you are 120 to 140 Million and 16, soon to be 17.” said Stegosaurus.

“Now I ask, do tell, what other kind of trees are native to your homeland?”

“Well now, let me see,” thought Oblitosaurus. “We have many types of forests including more Oaks, Birch, Firs, and Beech trees. In the The Mediterranean region we have the quite delicious Quercus pyrenaica, and in that area there are groves of many types of deciduous forests. These lower, wetter areas include the lovely Alnus cordata , Willow, Ash, Elm, and Poplar groves. Entire groves, my friend! Entire groves! You have heard of that new invention, grass, correct?”

“Ah yes, introduced to it by my brother horse. Congresssaurus Triceratops enjoys it, too,” said Stegosaurus.

“We have not yet met, but I admire your friend's taste in grass,” said Oblitosaurus. “We have at certain times of the year grass called in latin Tripidium ravennae and heather. We have in the lowlands a few Ulmus Minor, and the Ulmus glabra, at the elevation of about 1400 metres we have growing Quercus rotundifolia a magnificent specimen of tree. Magnificent. The Balearic Islands contain Cyclamen balearicum which prefers to grow in the shade of evergreens. I am sure you'd enjoy them. They're one of my favorites and I can highly recommend them. Oh, I cannot fail to mention the delicious Juniperus thurifera. There are so many more but I hope this short list entices you to sometime come visit me in Spain. Bring your class, please we will all eat together.”

“I would be delighted,” said Stegosaurus. “Now let me tell you more about the trees native to my Colorado as you have come all this way to learn of them. Now I have already mentioned the delicious Picea pungens, but I think another type of tree you would like to consume would be the Pinus aristata or maybe the Quercus gambelii, given all the Oaks you eat in Spain,” said Stegosaurus. “Here in Colorado we also have the wonderful Acer negundo of which many have heard me praise in the past. There is here the Prunus virginiana …. beware Mammals! don't choke on it! “

“Oh, Stegosaurus, you have a sense of humor for sure,” observed Oblitosaurus.

“Life is too short not to, even if you are over 140 Million Years old,” said Stegosaurus.

“We also have a tree in Colorado favored by Stegosaurus Claus himself, the Pseudotsuga menziesii as the mammals often use it for their Christmas trees, Stegosaurus Claus eats them regularly. I think you will like them too.”

“I will follow the recommendations of my friend Stegosaurus. Any tree good enough for Stegosaurus Claus will be good enough for me,” said Oblitosaurus.

“Your trust in me is admirable, good friend. Let me tell you now about the Picea engelmannii, we have to go to the higher elevations to get this one, so it can get a little cold that high up. It's worth it though. If you stay around for an extended period we could stomp forthrightly to a grove of them I know of well.” said Stegosaurus.

“There certainly are a great number of trees here in Colorado USA as there are in my native Spain” said Oblitosaurus.

“Yes we have a great variety. This is enough talking for now; let us eat and I will gladly tell you more about trees another time. All this talking about trees makes me very hungry!” said Stegosaurus.

“Agreed, my friend, let us dine!” exclaimed Oblitosaurus.

Oblitosaurus did remain a delighted guest at Stegosaurus' cave in Colorado through February, March, and April, eating the trees of Colorado, while Stegosaurus enjoyed showing off his college education by explaining each of the native species to his Spanish friend.

Stegosaurus returned to Boulder, Colorado and his cave on the 9th of January, and though he was glad to have enjoyed the holidays with so many friends, he was also glad to be at rest.

After several days of resting his weary claws, on January 13th he received a visit from his loyal accountant Corythosaurus.

"Is it time to file my taxes already, or have you come just to eat trees with me?" asked Stegosaurus as he saw Corythosaurus approach.

"We can do both, my friend," said Corythosaurus. "It is good to see you; how did your Holidays go?"

"Wonderful I was in California with Triceratops and Dimetrodon, and then went to West Virginia to spend time with the Giant Ground Sloth family."

"That sounds delightful. I had a nice holiday season myself." rejoined the loyal hadrosaur.

"Let us dine first before we look at my taxes," said Stegosaurus.

"As you wish," said Corythosaurus. "Where do you suggest we eat? What kind of tree is on the menu today? I'm up for anything," he continued.

"Oh, I don't know. How about we start with one of my favorites, the Picea pungens, and then stomp out forthrightly to a beautiful grove of Acer negundo that I know of," suggested Stegosaurus.

"I will gladly take your recommendation." said Corythosaurus.

The two friends first consumed a pair of Picea pungens, and then climbed a hill and then down again until they reached a marshy floodplain. Here was found a wonderful grove of Acer negundo, where Stegosaurus observed, "This is my favorite spot to eat the Acer negundo in peace. These trees grow well in urban areas, but eating in front of the mammals can sometimes be distracting because they are so surprised to see a Dinosaur. Even here, where I am the State Fossil."

"These are delicious," said Corythosaurus. "A meal this delicious for some reason I can't quite fathom, makes me feel like relating my life's story."

"Well, I will be delighted to hear what you have to share," said Stegosaurus.

"Let me drink some Diet Cola to start with," said Corythosaurus. "Would you like any?"

"No thank you," said Stegosaurus.

"Well, now, " said Corythosaurus, my life story starts a lot like yours, Stegosaurus."

"How so?" asked Stegosaurus.

"Well, one day a Mommy Corythosaurus met a Daddy Corythosaurus, and they liked each other very much. Then, one day they got together and wiggled a little bit, then I was born.

I lived 75 to 77 million years ago, a very long time, and then, one day I went down to the Red Deer River in Alberta BC, and became extinct. In was there, in 1911, that a Mr. Barnum Brown, who was also known as Mr. Bones, ( 1873 ~ 1963 ) discovered me. The name he gave me is from the Greek language, κόρυθος,(korythos), after a Corinthian Helmet, and my name literally means Helmeted Lizard. Charles Sternberg ( 1885 ~ 1981 ) discovered my two best fossils in 1912. Unfortunately Because a British paleontologist had asked for the two fossils in order to study them, he sent them to Arthur S. Woodward ( 1864 ~ 1944 ) so I took a seafaring trip on a mammal ship called The SS Mount Temple. Unfortunately the mammals were at war with each other in a war called The Great War, or World War I. On December 6th, 1916, an enemy ship fired upon us, and the SS Mount Temple was sunk; my fossils were lost.

"How unfortunate !!! I'm so sorry, " said Stegosaurus.

"No worries but thank you," said Corythosaurus. "In spite of being a mild mannered vegetarian, I am an experienced war veteran."

"You and I, we have something in common, " said Corythosaurus.

"And that is?" asked Stegosaurus.

"Like you, I am bird hipped, an Ornithischian."

"Well, welcome to the family," said Stegosaurus.

"I am directly related to other Hadrosaurs such as Lambeosaurus, and Hypacrosaurus, we have a similar skull structure and crests on our heads."

"It is a very distinctive crest," said Stegosaurus.

"Why, thank you," said Corythosaurus. "With our crests, we can call for a mate, or make other noises, such as warnings, for example if we are ever visited by your brother Allosaurus."

"How useful," observed Stegosaurus.

"The sound is similar to a brass instrument, such as a trombone. So, if I wanted I could join a jazz band."

"You live a fascinating life," said Stegosaurus.

"A fascinating life browsing for soft vegetation, drinking Diet Cola and sounding like a trumpet."

"No wonder we're such good friends," said Stegosaurus.

"Yes, friend Stegosaurus. Shall we take a break from eating, file your taxes, and then we'll gather trees I can use in my woodworking business."

"Sounds like a great idea, Corythosaurus. I remember my promise not to eat your stock."

Corythosaurus visited Stegosaurus through most of the 2nd half of January. He returned to Canada on the 26th of January.