" I've been in Pittsburgh all week, " said Stegosaurus. " It's been very relaxing. My cousins Kentrosaurus and Lexovissaurus sent me a nice birthday present..... A spa getaway ! I'm at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History to get a plate -lift and to have my extinct skin exfoliated.

We already know I'm beautiful when grazing, but after 140 million and one years, I thought there might be some physical improvements made. My cousins agreed and sent me this wonderful present. It's been a very nice time.

When I return from Pittsburgh I am then planning a trip to Africa and France to visit my cousins so that I can personally thank them for this gift. I have a wonderful family. "



"Here's a picture of me getting my plates lifted; this nice woman is very strong. My plates weigh 50 lbs apiece on average !"

Baby Stegosaurus Tracks Found

" Today is a very special day, " said Stegosaurus. " Today is my birthday ! I am One Hundred, Forty Million and One ! There was a party for me held by my friends at WVTF public radio, where I recorded my platinum wax cylinder Stegosaurus Goes Opera !

Here are some pictures ! Life has been good to me I don't feel a day over One Million !"

Since I posted on this blog the story of my illustrious movie career last month where reference was made to The Stegosaurus School of Dance, many people have asked me about it and how it came to be. Well take a rest a bit. Have some fresh Adder's Tongue ( ophioglossum vulgatum ) on me. It's right from my garden and the last of the season... I'll be glad to tell the tale.

In 1933 as I said I filmed dancing scenes for the RKO film Flying Down To Rio, scenes which were sadly removed from the final cut of the film. However, during this time no less a talent than Mr. Fred Astaire himself gave me compliments on my dancing technique. I was so proud that I blushed; possibly even more than the time that Ginger Rogers kissed me.

You'd think I'd have taken up dancing right away. Why did it take me almost a decade to create the Stegosaurus School of Dance, you ask ? Well let me tell you. It was such a disappointment to me when my scenes were cut that it was some time before I could think of dancing again. Or maybe I just forgot. Since my brain is the size of a walnut I don't have much of a hippocampus. Anyhow, in the 1940's and '50's I was a frequent visitor to the island nation of Cuba. I would visit my friend Fulgencio Battista, who was at that time the President of the Cuban Republic. President Battista was a great man; we'd smoke fine cuban cigars together and discuss socialist and communist ideals. I was always a welcome guest in his home. His lovely wife Marta Fernández de Batista,used to bring me palm fronds to eat; she was such a sweetheart.

On one of my several visits to that island nation, I had the pleasure of also making the aquaintance of the legendary Madame LaZonga and her two latin daughters. It was 1943, and I was given Six Lessons With Madame Lazonga where I developed my hips and my knees. And by the way, she liked me, so the lessons were free.

Her confidence, and the confidence of her lovely daughters re ignighted my love of dance, and I quickly learned the seductive salsa. It was very effective in flirting with Ms. LaZonga's two latin daughters, who were quite adorable, let me tell you. They also taught me the flamenco, the tango, the rhumba, and the new la conga.

After that, through the kindness of President Battista I was given a plot of land where I founded The Stegosaurus School of Dance. It has now been in existence for over 60 years, which isn't very long by the way Stegosaurids measure time, but is very impressive for homo sapiens, apparently. There are satellite locations of my School based in Paris France, ( where my cousin Lexovissaurus lives, ) London England,Vienna Austria, Tokyo Japan, Quebec and Toronto, Canada, and the US States of New York, Virginia and Kentucky. I am on the cusp of opening a location in my native state of Colorado, which I am proud to say will be my first location in the Western part of the US. After that location opens in Boulder, I am looking to expand to Utah, Montana and California as well. It's possible that a location may appear in Portugal; that is being negotiated as we speak.

These are the dances that I teach at the Stegosaurus School of Dance :

All the above mentioned dances, as well as The Lindy Hop, which I love; It's my favorite. Also its derivative The Jitterbug, The Foxtrot, The Waltz, and Ballet.
The Polonaise, The Mazurka, The Galop, The Tarrantella, among others. To stay current I also teach The YMCA dance, and a little bit of improvisational " Rave Dancing ". I do not teach belly dancing, which I have decided to leave to the female Stegosaurids, or the Chicken Dance, which I feel is best left to the specialty of animals known as birds. I like birds and birdwatching, which is why I leave it to them. The Lindy Hop is my favorite dance because I like the idea of flying. I'd really like someday to grow wings and soar away, but I know that will probably never happen.

So that's the tale of the beginnings of the Stegosaurus School of Dance. If you ever decide to take up dancing, let me teach you; we'll have a grand time together !

" I am proud to tell you of a major accomplishment today, " said Stegosaurus proudly.

" This weekend I graduated from Virginia Tech with a degree in Horticulture Consumption ! It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be college educated and to prove that just because you have a brain the size of a walnut does not mean you are stupid... After all... " remarked Stegosaurus wryly, " It's not the size that's important, its how you use it. That's what matters. "

The final was tough, I had to eat so many different varieties of verdure. Even some I hadn't seen before in my entire life. But I passed with flying colors. During the final I also gained ground on my New Years' resolution. I gained 4 hundred tons ! Now I'm halfway to my goal ! Remember I want to gain 800 tons at least in this year.

They gave me my diploma in Lane Stadium, because at 9 ft. tall and 30 ft. long of course I wasn't going to fit into the basket ball arena.

The only problem that presented itself on my grand day was the fact that all the extra tons I gained in the last week got me stuck as I left the stadium !

It took some time for people to figure out what to do, so much so that I started to get hungry and breifly considered eating my diploma; but I controlled myself.

I met a very smart Austrian fellow who helped get me free. We put our heads together, and being college educated used the basic principles of aeronautical engineering to get me out of my predicament.

This nice Austrian, a Mr. Ludwig C. Gantner, then went to President Stieger and asked if I could act as an additional University mascot. I thought about what I'd look like in the University colors of maroon and orange.

President Stieger decided in his wisdom that I should act as a protector to the Hokie Bird, seeing as how, he said, " The Hokie Bird and Stegosaurids are descended from each other. " I do not know how he figures that, but I was not inclined to question him on the matter.

So imagine that ! Two great emoluments in one day ! ( I'm college educated now and allowed to use big words )

I am now employed as VPI's Hokie Bird Protector. If any one insults or harasses the Hokie Bird, or damages or defaces one of his statues, I will stomp on them forthrightly; or I will thrash them with my thagomizer !!

Stegosaurus On The Silver Screen

" Here's a clip from one of my recent movies, " Walking With Dinosaurs," said Stegosaurus." As you can see I'm a regular Laurence Oliver on the silver screen. Don't worry about the baby Diplodocus; he was unharmed and only playing extinct. "

"I just got back from a fun filled weekend, " said Stegosaurus. " This weekend was the 74th annual King Kong dinosaur cast reunion. Everyone was there. Even my friend Styracosaurus, whose scenes were cut. It doesn't seem like it has been over 70 years which isn't a long time as far as dinosaurs are concerned, but for humans its a lifetime. We had such fun !!

The whole thing made me very nostalgic and I will be glad today to relate to you the history of my long and storied acting career. I am sort of frustated with it, but resigned. I feel very typecast in that every role I play I play a Stegosaurus, and my dream is to one day play a romantic leading role. That would be a nice challenge. It's not a challenge to play myself all the time.

My acting career began the year I met Willis O' Brien, " Obie " in 1925. I appeared in his silent film masterpiece, The Lost World .... I only had a bit part, but if you look you can see me walking around. I didn't say anything, but then nobody did. I enjoyed it so much that I joined the SAG, ( Screen Actor's Guild ) and went in search of more film roles. I accepted a bit part in the 1933 RKO feature Flying Down To Rio with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. We had filmed this nice dance routine, ( This was about 9 or 10 years before I founded The Stegosaurus School of Dance, ) and everyone seemed to like me. Mr. Astaire complemented me on my dancing form, and Ginger Rogers even gave me a kiss. But then the director, Thornton Freeland, cut my scenes !! At the last minute !

I was so mad ! I wanted to stomp on RKO studios. Mr. Astaire begged me not to, Ginger Rogers begged me not to, and so did Mr. Freeland, but there was no way I was listening to him !

I did however, listen to a frantic Obie, who came out and begged me, he said, " Please, Stegosaurus, don't do this ! If you stomp on RKO, I'll lose my job ! " When I heard this, my heart went out to my old friend, because I knew he had been having a rough year, and I didn't want to make it worse. Obie said, " If you leave RKO standing, I'll put you into my next film. "

That next film was King Kong. If you haven't seen it please do. I'm still real proud of my performance there this many years later. I look really good in it and I've aged well.

Just so you know, it did not hurt when Mr. Cabot shot me in the head. Those obviously were blank bullets. You wouldn't know though because my acting is so good. All I have to do is lay there still. I'm good at playing extinct. I should have won an Oscar.

In 1939 I auditioned for the role of Rhett Butler in David O' Selznick's presentation of Gone With The Wind. I was so excited when I was told I'd gotten the part. I stood in front of a mirror for hours on end reciting the line, " Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn ! " I got so good at it that I returned to Metro Goldwyn with the highest of confidence. It was the big day. We were going to shoot the first scenes of the film, and I was going to meet my lovely co star Vivien Leigh !! I walked in, and Miss Leigh was instantly horrified ! I could tell it was because of me, and I asked, " What is it ? What did I do ? " Vivien ran out of the room, exclaiming, " UGH ! I'm not kissing Stegosaurus ! "

I was dumbfounded, but the shock was about to get worse. Mr. O' Selznick then came up to me and said gently, " I'm sorry, Stegosaurus, but Vivien is our star, and we must find someone she can work with. I'm sorry. We'll have to find someone else to play Rhett. "

I was deeply disappointed, but I didn't get angry with Mr. O' Selznick because they left me a nice meal of Georgia Peach Trees and Honeysuckle bushes. I also sensed their genuine regret. I'll bet you that removing me from Gone With The Wind is the hardest thing David O' Selznick had to do in his entire life. What a nice guy he was.

In 1940 I worked with Walt Disney on Fantasia. That was fun. I had to be careful not to step on Mickey Mouse. That was hard.

By 1978 my connections at the SAG helped me get a gig for my cousin Kentrosaurus, in Planet of the Dinosaurs, in which I also appeared. I acted in the PBS feature Walking With Dinosaurs. That was the first time I appeared animated by computer ! Wow ! How exciting ! I have also recently appeared in the third Jurassic Park movie.

Yes I am really very proud of my acting career, " said Stegosaurus. " Let's go to the movies ! "