"I shall spend Christmas this year in Utah, with my brother Allosaurus," said Stegosaurus. "With the Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency we are presently at 1411 S. Redwood Road in Salt Lake working at a soup kitchen to feed the poor and needy. My brother Allosaurus asked to help by preparing dishes for those who are carnivores. I told him he could as long as he promised to be a good dinosaur and not eat us all."

"I'm on good behavior because its Christmas," said Allosaurus. "I want to prove to the world that there is truth to the idea that it is possible for the carnivore to live at peace with the herbivore. There are times that we may work together to help the less fortunate of Utah."

"We do it not just because it is the time of season, but because it is the right thing to do. The fact that it puts us a little higher up on Stegosaurus Claus' "Nice" list is completely incidental," said Stegosaurus. "I know Allosaurus and I have a long history of sibling rivalry; He's been trying to eat me for thousands of years. He can't help it really .... its just his nature. You may think it a pretty high risk on my part, but don't worry, there have been times that I've trusted Spinosaurus at this time of year, and I should have an equal amount of trust for my own brother."

"Our father, Professor O.C. Marsh, would be so proud," said Allosaurus. "Take a look at the menu we're planning on."


Cheese Broccoli soup;
Tomato soup; Kale Tomato soup;
Pumpkin bisque
Butternut squash bisque.

"Stegosaurus is making garden salads which can be eaten with the soups... He's including tomatoes from his own garden."

"These were canned in season," said Stegosaurus. "We're also serving trees on the whole and half, imported! Cycads, ( Cycadaceae), Gingko bilboa, ( Ginkgoaceae)

"Those who know me know I don't eat the Ginkgoaceae out of a deep respect for its age", said Stegosaurus, "Yet I know others may not have imposed that restriction on themselves, so I gathered a few for our menu."

"Then there are those trees native to the Utah area:

Juniperus virginiana
Acer triflorum
Carpinus caroliniana
Aesculus x carnea 'Briotii'"

"For the meat eaters I have prepared a wonderful menu which consists of pastrami, roast beef, and roast ham sandwiches," said Allosaurus.

"Whole cows and pigs available upon request!"

"It's really quite tempting I know to add a Stegosaurus sandwich to the menu, but somehow I don't think Stegosaurus would like that too much."

"You're right," said Stegosaurus. "That would make me uncomfortable. It also would certainly add you right away to Stegosaurus Claus' "Naughty" list!"

"Oh! Right, right!" said Allosaurus. "The peace on earth thing. Working together. I forgot!"

"Remember charity starts at home," said Stegosaurus.

"It is a moral responsibility of the individual. Where ever you are, please think about enhancing your holiday spirit tenfold by doing something in your neighborhood to help the needy. Brightest wishes of the Season to all of you from near and far! On behalf of myself and brother Allosaurus, Merry Christmas!"

"My friends," said Wooly Mammoth, "Welcome to the Holy Pentecostal Church of the Pleistocene Revival."

"Today, we join for a sad occasion, our friend Western Black Rhino, has become extinct. We wish to him, and his friends and family the eternal peace and comfort of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

As Western Black Rhino begins his journey to that cold land of extinction, let us extend our prayers of blessing to him through Lord Jesus.

The comfort of the Ages has been given through the Lord's 23rd Psalm of David. Let us read it now.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shalt not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth my beside quiet waters
And he restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me to the path of righteousness for His Name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of extinction, I will fear no evil
For thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointeth my head with oil, my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
And I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forevermore.

Amen. Let us turn now, my friends, my brothers and sisters to St. John. Let us read 14:2~6.

In My Father's House there are many mansions. If it were not so, I would have told you.
I go there to prepare a place for you, Western Black Rhino, that where I go, ye may be also.

And whither I go, ye know and the way ye know.

His disciples, they questioned him; and Thomas said, "Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how shall we know the way?"

Jesus replied, brothers and sisters, He said, " I AM the way, the truth, and the light. No man cometh onto the Father except by me."

Amen. Amen.

Let us turn now, brothers and sisters to our final reading: some wisdom from the Book of Wisdom. Please turn to chapter three.

"But the souls of the just are in the hand of God.
And no torment shall touch them.

In the sight of the unwise they seemed to become extinct: and their departure taken for misery.
And their going from us to be utter destruction, but they are in peace.

For though they be punished in the sight of mammals, yet is their hope full of immortality.

And having been a little chastised, they shall be greatly rewarded; for God proved them, and found them worthy of Himself."

Brothers and Sisters, our friend Western Black Rhino is Worthy of the Lord and shall be rewarded. Let us all say,

Amen. Amen. Amen.

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Friends, Brothers and Sisters, let us meet in the Fellowship Hall, where we may share memories and offer our condolences to Western Black Rhino."

The mourners filed out and went single file into the Fellowship Hall, where Western Black Rhino was waiting, obviously feeling down and looking glum.

"Let me be the first to offer my condolences," said Stegosaurus.

"I'm not sure I know how to handle this being extinct thing," said Western Black Rhino. "It really sucks."

"You never get over it, but you learn how to live with being extinct," said Stegosaurus. "If you ever have any questions or need any help don't hesitate to ask me. I'll be glad to help in any way that I can. My cousins are here to offer their condolences as well."

"Peace of the Lord Jesus be with you, Western Black Rhino," said Kentrosaurus. "I want you to know that even though you are a mammal you will be my brother in Christ. I am Stegosaurus' cousin Kentrosaurus, and I work here at Wooly Mammoth's church as a groundskeeper. If you need anything, I am here to help you."

"I am Stegosaurus' Chinese cousin Wuerhosaurus," said Wuerhosaurus. "I have come all the way from China by my traditional method of slow boat. Fortunately it was fast enough to get me here in time to offer my deepest condolences to you upon the sad news of your extinction. I want you to know that I will do anything I can to make you more comfortable. We all have experience in being extinct here, and we can help you adjust in this transitional period of your life."

"Et je suis le cousin de Stegosaurus, Lexovissaurus, de France, Vous avez mes sympathies sur vos récentes nouvelles de votre extinction, et les sympathies de mon épouse, qui ne pouvait pas être ici aujourd'hui car elle étudit pour un examen à Oxford en Angleterre. Veuillez accepter nos condoléances et si nous pouvons faire n'importe quoi pour vous aider, laissez-nous savoir. Peut-être un jour vous aimeriez visiter le beau pays de France. Vous êtes toujours bienvenue."

"I can relate to how you feel," said Quagga. "When I became extinct the mammals didn't know it for more than a decade. Extinction can be difficult, especially at first. I too, offer my support to you at this time. If I can do anything for you at all, please don't hesitate to let me know."

"Western Black Rhino, I am an Upland Moa, a representative of the thirteen extinct Moa species of New Zealand. We are all here for you, friend. Like Quagga, we were killed off by the mammals, so we understand your situation very well. We are all here to help you, and you may visit us in New Zealand any time."

"Thank you all so very much," said Western Black Rhino. "I do not know if I will ever get used to being extinct, but having so many friends around me I cannot feel alone. This will always mean a lot to me. I hope I can find a way to repay such generosity."

In Boulder, Colorado today Stegosaurus held a press conference to thank his friends at the Smithsonian Institution for naming him as one of the 101 Objects that made America.

101 objects that made America #15: Stegosaurus


"Thank you ladies and gentlemen for taking the time to come out and listen to my remarks. I am so grateful to the Smithsonian Institution for recognizing the influence that I have had on American culture, and for giving me a wonderful home. They have recognized what my father O.C. Marsh observed last week, (or maybe it was back in March of 1877) that I was " ... one of the most remarkable animals yet discovered." Kind of makes up for my friend Charlie Knight calling me "Hopelessly stupid." But I forgive him, and thank him too, for drawing and painting all those pictures of me and my friends that also contributed to my enduring popularity.

I would like to thank all the small children who love me for some reason, and the toy manufacturers who have made all those toys that the children play with ( even the inaccurate ones ) and all the books and stories small children read that encourage them to become paleontologists when they grow up. I really feel, understandably that paleontology is one of the most important and underrated jobs a mammal can hold.

I'd like to thank the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Sciences for all the movies and cartoons I have appeared in since 1925. Especially Willis 'O Brien and Ray Harryhausen, my friends at The Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild Local 14065 for ensuring a safe work environment and fair labor practices for the almost 90 years that I have worked in motion pictures.

I'd like to thank my agent at the Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild Local 14065; She's really big in the industry because she's an Argentinosaurus. She's gotten me most of my gigs over the years and I really appreciate her.

I'd like to thank all the authors throughout history that have written about me, given me adventures and other imaginative things to do in my post extinction life. Especially Edgar Rice Burroughs who let me glide on my spiff, sexy plates; he knows my not so secret dream of evolving wings and flying away.

David H. Koch gives $35M to The Smithsonian Institution

Finally, I'd also really like to thank David H. Koch for giving the Smithsonian Institution $35 million to refurbish my home there. It will be nice to have some remodeling done, and I will say that I approve of it even though the Stegosaurus Construction Company did not get the contract.

Thank you all so very much. I'm flattered and honored to receive this recognition today."

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Bonjour, je m’appelle Lexovissaurus!

Comme vous voyez, mon épouse a été très occupé ces temps si, piétinant autour d’Oxford cherchant pour ses os. Moi-même je n’étais pas si incliné, quoique je supporte ses efforts. Ma seule préoccupation est et sera toujours d’être Français ; lorsque mon épouse a piétiné Oxford pour la première fois et quand j’ai visité Mexico pour la première fois pour manger de la végétation de ce pays. La frontière-là était très violente, donc j’ai piétiné vers les États-Unis et j’ai été visité mon cousin Stégosaurus. Après une très belle visite, je suis retourné dans mon pays, et je suis demeuré depuis, protégeant notre caverne et mangeant du fromage.

Après avoir piétiné à travers Londres avec ses amies, mon épouse est retournée dans notre caverne en France pour passer le reste de sa pause de collège avec moi.

C’était très agréable de l’avoir ici dans la maison. Nous avons piétiné à l’Opéra House du Palais Garnier pour voir la performance du Bourgeois Gentilhomme, qui a été composé par Jean-Baptiste Lully. La performance était excellente; nous l’avons aimé.

Nos autres sorties sont les marches romantiques le long de la Seine et être heureux ensemble chez-nous. J’admire l’intelligence de mon épouse depuis notre rencontre, mais elle est devenue plus intelligente depuis qu’elle est entrée au collège. Nos discours intellectuels se sont améliorés!

Elle est très nerveuse, car son prochain semestre inclut un test sur la datation au carbone, duquel elle n’est pas trop sûre. J’essaie d’augmenter sa confiance du mieux que je peux.

"Qu’est ce qui te rend si mal à l’aise à propos de la datation au carbone?" lui demanda Lexovissaurus.
"La vérité est," répondit Loricatosaurus, ceci est très important pour la réussite de mon degré. D’habitude les choses comme ça ne me dérangent pas. Même quand j’ai découvert, à l’amusement de mes camarades de classe que je n’avais pas des épis d’épaules comme toi et ils se sont tous moqués de moi, j’aurais pu être embarrassée mais je ne l’étais pas. Je veux réussir et une bonne note me donnerait beaucoup de bonheur,"

"Je vais te donner de la confiance" a dit Lexovissaurus. "Dis-moi ce que tu sais de la datation de carbone, peut-être ceci va te donner plus de confiance,"

"Est-ce que je vais t’ennuyer?" demanda Loricatosaurus. "Tu m’a dit que cette affaire de paléontologie est pour les mammifères?"

" Je t’ai dit que pour moi, je le laisserais aux mammifères; mais je te supporterais pour d’importe quoi que tu veux faire et je veux t’aider. Peut-être tu peux donner une présentation comme dans une de tes classes, et tu vas voir que tu connais plus que ce que tu penses en savoir"

"Tu es très mignon," a dit Loricatosaurus. "Laisse-moi voir, où peux-je commencer avec ce sujet impressionnant?"

"Le but est de déterminer l’âge de nos os et d’y arriver à une conclusion satisfaisante, nous devons déterminer combien de carbone 14 (atomes) qu’il y a. Carbone 14 est le troisième isotope de trois, les autres sont carbone 12 et carbone 13. Le carbone 14 est utilisé parce qu’il est fait de 1 partie par million."

"Est-ce que tu parles de radiation?" demanda Lexovissaurus.

"Oui chéri. En effet." répondit Loricatosaurus. "En effet."

"Fascinant."

"Mais attend, il y a autre chose de plus. Un autre facteur doit être considéré"

"D’accord"

"Nous savons que la demie vie du carbone est de 5, 730 années."

"Il y a des jours où je pourrais dormir aussi longtemps" a dit Lexovissaurus.

"Nous devons utiliser cette méthode, c’est une étrange méthode, mais nous devons utiliser les mathématiques."

"Mathématiques. Ça ressemble à une chose mammifère,"

"Oui c’est ça, à peu près ça," a dit Loricatosaurus.

"Maintenant la durée de la vie est de la moitié de son âge, mais la vérité est que le vrai numéro peu seulement être devinée!"

"Je suis très impressionné" a dit Lexovissaurus. "Tu dois manger des facteurs d’arbres pour le déjeuner! Tu as un cerveau la grandeur d’un mammifère!"

"Tu es trop gentil" a dit Loricatosaurus.

"Isotopes, radiation, 1 partie par million de carbone 14, avec toute la connaissance dans ta tête tu ne peux pas échouer. N’est pas peur, je crois en toi."

"Tu es un si bon aide" a dit Loricatosaurus. "Ne nous inquiétons plus à propos de ceci aujourd’hui. Ce soir, mangeons du fromage et buvons du bon vin Français. Un jour je vais savoir pourquoi je suis disparu, mais pour le moment amusons-nous."

"Let me give you some advice," said Stegosaurus. "Especially designed for mammals, since your lives are so sadly short."

"I spent my summer in college this year, after returning from my bird watching vacation. Summer time courses will accelerate the acquisition of my degree, so there is a silver lining. Some things you have to do in the name of education are just difficult. There's no way around it. This year I spent with my class mostly on the west coast trying to identify the Junglans regia from the native species of Juglans. Of course you know how I feel about walnuts and walnut trees. It was one of those pesky requirements, but I faced my uncomfortable fears and got through it."

"You know, if there's one thing I've learned in over 140 million years stomping around this planet it is that worrying accomplishes nothing. Being nonchalant about the future is shortsighted and foolish; but reasonable preparations will make your later years much more pleasant. That is why, one of the reasons why I did what I did; mammals and others who eat walnuts make me uncomfortable, but I did what I did because the future is important to me, even after so many millions of years."

"The world is what you make of it, and what you present to the world is what you will attract to yourself. If you are bitter, negativity will encircle you like a cloud. If you are jealous, envy will follow you and grow. If you are positive and upbeat, if you are kind and generous, patient and tolerant, these attributes will be returned to you tenfold. Don't let anyone stomp all over you; be firm when you need to be; use your cool, spiky tail only in times when your very life is threatened with extinction, and your life will be much more pleasant."

"Do what you can; and do it as soon as you can. Practice kindness towards your fellow creatures whenever possible but accept the things that cannot be changed; the things that you will not be able to do. You will get the blues. That is unavoidable but you have to know how to handle these kind of situations when they occur. I would like to fly, as I have said a number of times, but I doubt it will happen. I can't just evolve on command, apparently. I would like to play our American Pastime base ball again, if only I could find someone to reinstate me. I would also like to play with children in a bounce house but I can't find one big enough for me, and even if I could I'm just too darn spiky. Bounce houses don't like spikes and claws. Sure I'm jealous of birds with their wings and envious of children with their bounce houses sometimes but it does not consume my life to the detriment of my cheerful demeanor."

"Ultimately you get out of life what you put into it; you cannot change the past nor predict the future. Beyond the reasonable, live in the moment, for meteors may fall at any time. This is my wisdom I leave to you. Putting things into perspective, in relative terms can really help. Count your blessings and keep your beak up and it will all work out for the best."

"We all know Fossil Fuel is murder, " said Stegosaurus. "That's why you should save a dinosaur and stomp forthrightly everywhere you go. But if you absolutely have to travel by motorcar, buckle up and drive safe!"