Immediately after the Christmas holidays, cold weather set in, and I decided to float on my raft forthrightly to the State of Hawaii and warmer weather. I am very glad that my cousin Lexovissaurus and Loricatosaurus had returned to France before the bitter weather came in. It was not fit for mammal or Stegosaurus. I was very glad to arrive in the hospitable land of Hawaii; I went to Waimea, Hawaii County, Hawaii immediately upon the word that it had the best grazing in the State. A lot of open land for cattle also might leave some space for a visiting Stegosaurus. I stomped right away to Waimea Nature Park – Kamuela, Hawaii, Ulu La‘au, which means "Garden of the trees" in the Hawaiian language. The Nature park is a major cultural asset, and they are attempting to have invasive tree species removed from National Parks after those species escaped cultivation. I was only too happy to oblige them by putting down a stand of Grevillea robusta and a few Falcataria moluccana besides. I began to wish I had brought my classmates with me to share in some of the work as it was so delicious and it also made me feel good to provide a useful service to the mammals who were trying to improve the beautiful condition of their park. I was so glad to put my degree in Horticulture Consumption to use.

In the late afternoon I took a walk to settle all the trees I ate by visiting the volcano Kohala, the oldest volcano in Hawaii; which reportedly recorded the reversal of the magnetic field some 780,000 years ago. Or maybe it was last week I am not sure. I do remember when it happened though such a major event it was. I made a note to tell Loricatosaurus about this place as I found the fossils of sea faring animals there. I thought if she came here to dig she might find herself.

Then I found a nice cloud forest near the summit, which is a kind of rain forest. Many species there are rare so I didn't eat anything out of respect besides I was still full from all my work in the National Park. I did find myself a nice bog to relax in. The weather being subtropical it is much more suitable to a Stegosaurus but this area being very fragile is highly susceptible to invasive species so I am sure that I will be back here working someday soon. Maybe I will bring my classmates and make a party of it. I found some friendly amphibians in the bog, and struck up a conversation with them about when I might start evolving.

In the evening I went back down to the National Park to watch the sunset and made plans with some Paniolo ( the Hawaiian word for cowboys ) to take part in a rodeo at Parker Ranch just for fun. I really like Hawaii, and have made plans to return for the cherry blossom festival some day soon; what a relaxing time it was. When I return to the mainland and Colorado I must return to my college classes. A doctorate in tree diseases does not earn itself, you know!

"When the college semester was over, I was at home resting on break when, on the day before Christmas Eve I was visited at home by my friends Trachodon and Agathaumas," said Stegosaurus.

"What brings you to visit me, good friends? Here, let me share with you a meal of holiday Pteridophytes. It is Christmas; these are not of the low fat variety."

"Thank you kindly," said Trachodon, and immediately set about eating the meal that was provided.

"Trachodon and I have come to ask you a favor," said Agathaumas.

"What do you require of me?" asked Stegosaurus. "I will try my best to be of help."

"Well, thank you," said Agathaumas. "As you know, Christmas Day is nearly upon us."

"...and," said Trachodon, looking up gratefully from his delicious, unexpected meal, "We'd like you to intercede with Stegosaurus Claus on our behalf."

"Why would you need me to do that?" asked Stegosaurus. "Have you two done something to end up on the Naughty list?"

"I hope I may say without vanity, no," said Agathaumas. "We have... I think fair to say, met the criteria for the Nice list."

"I think you should," said Stegosaurus. "So, what's the problem? What's the concern?"

"Well, we think we've both been pretty good this year," said Trachodon, as Agathaumas dug into his own Pteridophyte meal. "But..."

"....We're not sure Stegosaurus Claus will visit us, because we're Nomen dubium"

Agathaumas swallowed a bite of ferns, and said, "We're concerned, in short, that Stegosaurus Claus will pass us by just because we don't really exist. Trachodon's teeth, "discovered" in 1856 are probably actually teeth of a Parasaurualophus or a Corythosaurus... and though there was great pomp and circumstance when I was "discovered" in 1872, when it comes down to it, I'm just some misidentified Congresssaurus Triceratops vertebrae. But the fact remains that Trachodon and I .... we've been really, really good this year and we would like to find we have presents Christmas morning just like the dinosaurs that do exist."

"You will have to forgive me, if I have not noticed the good works that you do," said Stegosaurus. "Not that I am questioning your character in any way."

"We understand," assured Trachodon; "Indeed, the good works we do, we do in silence, as befits dinosaurs that don't exist."

"This is quite proper, and admirable," said Stegosaurus. "It is proper of anyone whether they exist or not."

"If you promise to keep what we tell you in confidence, we will explain to you some of the things we have done, and perhaps you can relay this information to Stegosaurus Claus for us," said Trachodon.

"I will be glad to be of help," said Stegosaurus, "Though I am sure Stegosaurus Claus will know; he knows everything. He knows when you are sleeping and awake, naughty or nice, all of that."

"Very true," said Agathaumas, but if we were real, Trachodon and I would be millions of years old, yet in all that time, we have not ever received one Christmas present. This is why we come to you. You are very popular among the dinosaurs; you are easily recognized as one of the classic examples of what a dinosaur is, even small children love you for some reason, so if you intercede with Stegosaurus Claus for us, I'm sure he will be moved to leave us presents."

"Small children might know me, but not many would know Agathaumas," said Trachodon with sympathy.

"I would really like to be loved by small children for Christmas," said Agathaumas. "No child ever plays with Agathaumas toys because there are none."

"I could reference you both to my public relations firm, my agent at the Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actors Guild Local 14065. My agent is really big in the industry... she's an Argentinosaurus. It isn't all bad. Don't be despondent upon Christmas because you both appeared with me in The Lost World film last month ..... or maybe that was 1925. It wasn't that long ago, I know. And both of you have been painted by my friend ( and yours ) Charles Knight. You have your place in history, if not the fossil record."

"Well, you know about the times we joined you and the Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency .... particularly that year the Moa Birds suffered the earthquake in New Zealand." said Trachodon.

"I am sorry," said Stegosaurus. "I do not recall your having been there. I apologize for not noticing."

"No, that is okay," said Trachodon. "Remember the good works we do we do in silence. Remember too, in January of this year Julio and his children? I helped you replace his roof."

"Well! You are indeed very humble about the good works you do!" exclaimed the surprised plate lizard.

"And just a few weeks ago, the Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency went to Texas with Rhedosaurus and his lovely wife," said Agathaumas.
"The Moa Birds were there, too... and so was I. I built a few dams."

"You have made your case." said Stegosaurus. "I will do what I can for you both. I will say that the odds are good, because Rhedosaurus and his wife receive presents every year, and they don't exist either."

"Thank you so much," said Agathaumas. "It really means a lot to us."

" When my friends finished their Pteridophyte meal, I bid them a good holiday, and they departed with plans to help run a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. As it turned out, I did not have to speak to Stegosaurus Claus," said Stegosaurus. "Trachodon and Agathaumas woke up on Christmas morning to Christmas presents for the first time in their lives. And I wrote a letter to my agent at the Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild to see if I could help improve their public relations. I can't think of two dinosaurs more deserving of the attention. I hope my readers will take example of the good that Trachodon and Agathaumas have done and apply it themselves not only during this Christmas Season, but all throughout the year."

Stegosaurus and his classmates stomped forthrightly to Texas in early June accompanied by Rhedosaurus and his lovely wife Lady Rhedosaurus to help as part of the Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency. A flock of Upland Moa birds also felt compelled to join them in their rescue efforts.

"I saw that my friends in Texas needed some help, so I called upon my classmates and a few others who enjoy helping those in need to stomp to their aid," said Stegosaurus.


"I started this service because I am very experienced in dealing with the problems that disasters can cause. Just ask me about Chicxulub some time!"

"Houston dealt with 11 inches of rain just prior to this disaster, and other parts of Texas, particularly those places along the Trinity River are facing the prospect of additional rainfall so we sent the Moa Birds up there to help out," said Lady Rhedosaurus.

"Yes, honestly, this place right now looks worse than the time I stomped through New York in '53," said Rhedosaurus.

"I'm glad you're here to help," said Stegosaurus. "A small contingent of my classmates have gone up the Trinity River to help the Moas resolve problems and aid victims of Nature's excessive deluge."


"We're working together with ( the native mammals of Texas as well, ) to prove to the World that voluntary action is not only the most efficient, but the least intrusive method to public liberty that can be devised by mammal or prehistoric animal," said a Moa Bird emphatically.

"Small children love to see us too! Why, yesterday I paused to give some small children some levity by letting them ride on my back between my plates," said Stegosaurus. "It pleased me to see them so happy."

"And if the Moas are building up a dam, or the Rhedosaurids are helping to rebuild mammal homes, we know we are doing our part in the community. Everyone knows us and loves us, everywhere we stomp," the loquacious plate lizard concluded.

"No one is afraid, and they are grateful to work with us as Texans particularly, of all North American mammals, have an independent streak," said Lady Rhedosaurus. "Not one is afraid. Even of my husband!"

"I'm glad Rhedosaurus is repairing his reputation with figures of mammal authority," said Stegosaurus. "Keep working with us, and in time you'll find mammals will eventually remember you more for the good deeds you have done, the permanence of the silver screen aside," said Stegosaurus.

"You have such remarkable faith in the better parts of mammal nature," observed Rhedosaurus. "It is very admirable."

"Thank you friend," said Stegosaurus. "I've lived 140 million and 9 years focusing on the positive. Good advice for anyone. It really helps you live a happier and more productive life."

"I spent this weekend at the American Museum of Natural History in New York", said Stegosaurus. "I was there for one of my many public relations initiatives which have been so numerous in the last few hundred years. The job market can really be brutal when you're extinct, you know. There's not much call for work outside of a museum. Anyway there I was standing still for hours. I've received a lifetime achievement award for playing extinct as you might recall. I'm REALLY good at it they say."

"Early in the morning a mammal carrying a suitcase came in followed by 6 children. The children were delighted to see me because they were small, and small children everywhere love me for some reason. I keep making that observation, because its true. Don't know why for sure but I am very thankful for it. It was very interesting observing the actions of this mammal and his children, because he kept lining them up in single file, and then arranging and re arranging them in different order.

On occasion another mammal would stop him and they would converse a little bit. Then, he'd go back to arranging his children in various combinations.

Then, he opened his suitcase and arranged his garments within in different combinations.

This went on for the better part of the day. Finally at the end of the day curiosity got the better of me, and with very few mammals left in the museum before closing, I ventured to ask him what he was doing. To his credit, he did not seem at all surprised that I should speak to him in a museum. That's good. I really hate to frighten mammals like that plus I don't want to lose the reputation that got me my life time achievement award. I'm really proud of that.

"Hi, my name is Stegosaurus," said Stegosaurus.

"Hi," said the mammal. "My name is Julio. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"If you don't mind my asking what in the world are you doing there, arranging your children in so many different combinations?"

"It is very interesting, how nice of you to ask," said Julio. "Did you know," my interlocutor said enthusiastically, "..... that I can arrange my 6 children, single file, in 720 different ways?"

"How do you know this? How do you arrive at that number?" asked Stegosaurus.

"It is very simple, " observed Julio. "I have used the Fundamental Counting Principle of mathematics. Using that very same principle, I have determined that with the two pair of shoes, five pair of pants and 6 shirts I have in my suitcase that I can expect to have 60 different combinations of garments to wear."

"Very interesting," observed Stegosaurus. "I don't have a good brain for numbers it is only the size of a walnut but I do know a lot of facts about myself in numbers."

"Oh yes," said Julio. "Would you please tell me this information? I am always fascinated with numbers."

"A Stegosaurus has about 300 bones," said Stegosaurus.
"A Stegosaurus has on average about 16 spiff, sexy plates. Sometimes you will see one of us with a few more than that but on average the number is 16."
"A Stegosaurus also has 16 claws, on 4 feet."
"Four is also the number of spikes that I have on my cool, spiky tail."

"Fascinating facts!" observed Julio with glee.
"Would you mind if I re arranged your 300 bones into different combinations?"
"If its all the same I had rather you not do so honestly," said Stegosaurus. "I find myself really attached to my bones the way that they are."
"This is very understandable," observed Julio. "The way they are has served you well for millions of years."
"I will tell you a fact about set theory," Julio continued, "Now there is a formula I will teach you about which can tell us how many subsets a particular set has. The formula is 2 to the power of x. X is representative of the number of elements." Julio paused to clear his throat and then resumed, "The set Stegosaurus has 11 elements in it; That is 2 to the 11th power for a total for 2,048 ."
"I did not know this!" declared Stegosaurus. "You are so smart you can teach a Stegosaurus mathematics!"
"Thank you," said Julio.

"The museum is about to close now," observed Stegosaurus. "What will you do with the rest of your day?"

"Well," said Julio, I must go to the Home Depot hardware store and buy bundles of shingles to re shingle my roof. Then, maybe at night I will solve some quadratic equations before bed."

"I think the quadratic equations are above the understanding capacity of my walnut sized brain," observed Stegosaurus. "I would be very interested in helping you re shingle your roof. If you were to translate the Greek and Latin roots of my name I would be known as a Narrow -faced roof lizard. This is why at The Stegosaurus Construction Company roofing is our specialty. "

"I would be pleased to receive the help of The Stegosaurus Construction Company," said Julio. "Thank you very much."

When we left the museum, Julio and his children decided to ride by Stegosaurus, because we all know fossil fuel is murder. On the way I asked Julio what the square footage of his roof was.

"1800 square feet." responded Julio.

"Let's see, then, " said Stegosaurus. "You must have 18 squares, determined by dividing 1800 into 100. 18 squares times 3 bundles square is 54. We will need 54 bundles."

"I thought you said you were not very good in dealing with numbers!" said Julio with surprise.

"Yes, but also, roofing is the specialty of the Stegosaurus Construction Company you know."

"Oh right," said Julio.

"I just do what I do," shrugged Stegosaurus.

"I called upon my crew which included not only my usual classmates from college but Julio as well. By dusk, we had finished our work."

"Thank you very much! I appreciate the help!" said Julio.

"No problem, glad to do it," said Stegosaurus.

"Look at that sunset," said Julio. "What a beautiful time of the evening to solve quadratic equations."

"The Stegosaurus Construction Company shall leave you to your equations, good friend. How very nice to make your acquaintance. I hope we meet again."

"Oh I'm sure we will," said Julio. "Come back tomorrow. I need to return to Home Depot to buy some paint and a door."

"Today I took a stomp to California to visit my old friend Dimetrodon at the Dinosaur retirement home, just to see how he is getting along," said Stegosaurus.

"Hello, friend Stegosaurus!" said Dimetrodon.

"Well met, Dimetrodon! How have you been?"

"I am very well, Stegosaurus, very well in large part thanks to you!
I want you to know how much I appreciate all that you've done for me, getting me a pension with the Dinosaur and Mythical Creature Screen Actor's Guild local 14065, and a very nice cave at the Dinosaur retirement home."

"I'm always pleased to lend a helping claw," said Stegosaurus. "Very glad to do it."

"My friends Nyasassaurus and Moschops are here, I am well fed, my cave is cozy, I'm so happy."

"How do you spend your retirement?" asked Stegosaurus. "Do you play bingo? Do you stomp forthrightly on field trips?"

"We used to play bingo," rejoined Dimetrodon, "Unfortunately I think one cold day last winter we ate the mammal who calls out the numbers, and they don't let us play that anymore."

"Oh, my," said Stegosaurus.

"This past spring we all stomped down to Bradenton, Florida on a field trip," said Dimetrodon. "It was a very nice relaxing time mostly visiting with my friend and fellow synapsid Moschops. He lives here, but we just happened to catch up and spend a lot of time reminiscing about days gone by, running long, good natured poker games by the beach, stalking the locals for an afternoon snack, you know, the usual, not really much to write home about, but we had a good time."

"I'm so glad to see you well," said Stegosaurus.

"Enough about me," said Dimetrodon. "How are you doing?"

"I am well, and still pursuing my graduate studies as a Doctor with a specialty in tree disease." said Stegosaurus.

"I am sure you will succeed, you have determination." said Dimetrodon.

"Thank you kindly," said Stegosaurus. "Say hi to Moschops and Nyasassaurus for me. While I am in California I am going to stomp by and check in with my agent Argentinosaurus."

"Be well, friend," said Dimetrodon. "Thank you again for all your kindnesses to me. If there is any thing I can do to return the favor, please don't hesitate to let me know."

"I have had an interesting July full of hard work," declared Stegosaurus.
The fall semester of my medical school had ended, and since June I had relaxed in my native State of Colorado living the easy and care free life of a farmer scientist. I've recently read fascinating scientific tales of a mammal who attempted to extract sunlight from cucumbers, and had been trying to duplicate this feat. Then, I heard news of a terrible wind storm called a Derecho, which caused a great deal of property damage, and even extinction for some mammals from the midwest into the southern states."

"This of course sent both the Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency and The Stegosaurus Construction Company into action so I abandoned my cucumber project, and my classmates and I were very busy for over a week, working with the mammals to restore order to the storm damaged areas. While the mammals worked diligently at mammal work, my class and I ate many downed trees, and the Stegosaurus Construction Company also stomped in where necessary to help rebuild mammal structures. It was a pleasure to work with them, and to help in any way we could to make the area nice for mammals to live in. "

News Coverage of the Derecho ( Roanoke Times, Roanoke, Virginia )


Photos of Derecho storm damage ( Rockbridge County, Lexington,Virginia )

"This tree was very delicious," said Stegosaurus. "The Stegosaurus Disaster Relief Agency came to the aid of the mammals who lived here, and then The Stegosaurus Construction Company rebuilt the roof of this structure, because roofing is our specialty."

"I was back home in Colorado on Thanksgiving break from college when it so happened that I was visited by my friend Archaeopteryx. Readers of my blog know how much I love birdwatching, so you know how highly I think of Archaeopteryx as a friend." said Stegosaurus.

"It was about a year ago, you know that the news came from the paleontologists that Archaeopteryx would no longer be flying, a prospect that made us both sad, because formerly Archaeopteryx was one of the most majestic of flyers."

"How are you feeling, Archaeopteryx? I was just about to settle down to a nice meal of ferns, but I always have time for my friends. Thank you for visiting me." said Stegosaurus to his friend.

"Oh, I'm still pretty upset about the whole situation," admitted Archaeopteryx in a resigned, rather glum tone. "But I didn't come to you to complain. I just wanted to stop by and visit for a while."

"Well," said Stegosaurus. "If you really don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. But I want you to know that I can tell you are feeling out of sorts; I have a keen eye for this, having watched you on my birdwatching excursions for so many years. I'm not really doing much worthy of note myself, and I am much more interested in your welfare since the news broke that the paleontologists were grounding you. I feel bad about it. I hate to see a good dinosaur down."

Archaeopteryx sighed. "Thank you my friend. I used to soar with the pterosaurus; the only dinosaur with feathers pointing the way to the future of evolution. I used to feel so cutting edge, and now I'm forced to devolve, in effect.. Who are these paleontologists? Why do they have such an undue influence in our lives? If I were really truly bitter I'd ask you to stomp on them all forthrightly because now I'm lucky if I can hop from tree to tree!"

"They are mammals, and they put themselves in charge of all this, but it is the proper order of things," said Stegosaurus. "Sometimes I think about that myself, but I'm usually distracted by things like these ferns... or sometimes just the fact that I realize that my brain is only the size of a walnut, and I resolve not to take up limited space questioning why things are. I leave the questioning to mammals and other animals with larger brains and spend my time enjoying my trees."

Archaeopteryx sighed again. "An enviable attitude. I wish I could just be indifferent but I remember so well what it was like to fly!"

"Keep your beak up, Archaeopteryx; you're still the oldest dinosaur discovered with feathers .. be glad of that; I wish I had feathers. I've never yet been discovered with feathers. You're lucky. It really is all about perspective. Life is all about perspective."

"Your wisdom is sound, Stegosaurus. Thank you." said Archaeopteryx. "I have been feeling better since I went into therapy for my depression over being grounded. I want you to know that and thank you for being such a loyal friend. "

"I'm glad to hear it." said Stegosaurus. "Very glad indeed. Take care of yourself. Perhaps you will fly again. Who knows? But what ever paleontology thinks, I like you just the way you are."

Prehistoric Birds Were Poor Flyers, Research Shows

"I recieved a visit this weekend from my friend Apatosaurus, who asked for some advice," said Stegosaurus.

"Stegosaurus, " said he, "I'd really like your advice. What would you think of me if I became a meat eater?"

"Are you still having a mid life crisis?" asked Stegosaurus.

"Yes," admitted Apatosaurus.

"So just changing your name from Brontosaurus to Apatosaurus wasn't enough."

"I had outgrown Brontosaurus. I don't know, you know I played a meat eater in King Kong; I got to chew on some sailors. I'm thinking its time for a change. I've eaten plants for millions of years and now..."

"I wish you wouldn't look at me like that when you say you want to be a meat eater," said Stegosaurus. "Besides you just haven't got the teeth for meat eating."

"I'm sorry, Stegosaurus," apologized Apatosaurus. "Do you think I can at least talk to your brother Allosaurus about what its like to be a meat eater?"

"You could, but I wouldn't recommend it. Given his nature he's more likely to make you lunch than give you advice."


"You have a point." conceded Apatosaurus.

"I have an idea!" said Stegosaurus. "Perhaps you should consult Thesaurus for advice."

"I've heard of him but never met him." said Apatosaurus.

" Neither have I, but his wisdom is legendary. I'm sure Thesaurus can answer your questions."

"Thanks for the advice, Stegosaurus," said Apatosaurus. "I'll go looking for him after we eat some plants together."

"I thought you were now a meat eater." observed Stegosaurus.

"There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true," rejoined Apatosaurus.