From the foot of Pike's Peak in Colorado, Stegosaurus held a press confrence yesterday to announce his latest endeavor.
"I have taken it upon my self to become a brewer, and I have after much trial, error, and industrious work succeeded in creating STEGOSAURUS STOUT, 5.9 % alc. vol.", said a jubilant Stegosaurus.
" This pleasantly bitter brew goes well with a meal of trees, particularly Maple Trees, as it was designed that way. To be served chilled, with Maple Trees. Have you ever eaten Maple Trees ? If you like Maple Trees you'll love Stegosaurus Stout ! I encourage you to enjoy but drink responsibly. "
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Today, Stegosaurus releases the transcript of his September 22nd 2007 debate with Sen. Ken Salazar, D - Colo., which was held outside the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado.
Tim Russert : Welcome, and good evening. We are with you outside the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado and you are about to hear the long awaited debate between Senator Ken Salazar, incumbent Democrat of Colorado, and his challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus... We are outside because one of the candidates in tonight's debate happens to be 9 feet tall and 30 feet long ! I am NBC's Tim Russert, moderator of Meet The Press, and I will moderate this debate this evening. Welcome, Gentlemen. "
Sen. Salazar: Thank you, Tim.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Thank you, Tim
Tim Russert: Okay, we will have the standard debate format this evening. When asked a question, the candidate will have two minutes to respond, and two minutes will be allowed for rebuttal. When you hear the buzzer, your two minutes are up. All right ?"
Sen. Salazar: Yes.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes.
Tim Russert:: All right Senator Salazar shall ask the first question.
Sen. Salazar: Mr. Stegosaurus, there seem to be some controversies in your campaign. If I may address one that concerns me most, I want you to know that I have served as Colorado's executive director of Natural Resources and the natural beauty of my State concerns me very much. Can you answer questions that have popped up regarding your environmental record? You claim to be a friend to the environment and its conservation, yet you have been photographed on numerous occassions actually eating trees. Please explain how eating trees preserves the environment.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Let me assure you, Senator, that I mean very well .....I love trees. I am a gardener, and have published a book on gardening. It's just that they taste so good ! I am 6, 801 tons, and a dinosaur has to eat !
Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?
Sen. Salazar: I don't want you to starve, but I do love my Colorado with trees. I wrote and championed a constitutional amendment creating Great Outdoors Colorado, and it is the most successful in the history of this State. My question, may I be allowed my question Mr. Russert ?"
Tim Russert: Uh, yes, Senator.
Sen. Salazar ( nods politely ) " Your own record shows that you have eaten trees and in fact gained 601 tons and a degree in HORTICULTURE CONSUMPTION I know you're a member of the Green Party, and they generally have a positive environmental record, but you...can you tell me anything you have done positive for the environment ? I understand that even your party faithful have some questions."
Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, you have two minutes.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I tried to control myself by eating extinct trees once; I went to Bedford Virginia during finals week before I graduated and tried to eat some trees that the Gypsy Moth had made extinct,, but they really didn't taste good, and, well, I accidentially knocked over some living trees with my tail or stomped on them. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It takes a lot to fill up a dinosaur when he's 6,801 tons. Fortuantely my failure there wasn't enough to deny my degree.
Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?
Sen. Salazar: The road to political disaster is paved with good intentions, Mr. Stegosaurus. I do not see that you have any positive environmental record.
Tim Russert: Your question, Mr. Stegosaurus ...
Stegosaurus looks at his podium
Mr. Stegosaurus Hey, is this podium made of real trees ? Is your podium made of real trees ?
Sen. Salazar: Yes, it is, Mr. Stegosaurus. They both are. So is Mr. Russert's. I don't see where that comes into the que.."
Stegosaurus eats his podium
Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes, kind of processed, but it was real trees.
Sen. Salazar Don't eat my podium, Mr. Stegosaurus ...but do you see what I mean, Mr. Russert ? This only proves my point. My opponet has No positive environmental record to speak of ! He can't even stop eating trees or anything made of wood !!
Tim Russert stands at his podium saying nothing with a grin on his face.
Sen. Salazar: What exactly do you think makes you electable, Mr. Stegosaurus ?
Mr. Stegosaurus I have 17 spiff yellow plates and a really cool spiky tail ! Would you like me to show you how I can use it as a plow ?"
Sen. Salazar:: No, no, that won't be necessary... I am a farmer. I know how to plow.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I also have the love and support of millions of children everywhere !
Sen. Salazar This is because you are our State foss... dinosaur. You have been our state dinosaur for over 20 years. I respect your position and popularity. But, with all due respect, Mr. Stegosaurus, children, I love children, but they can't vote.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I respectfully disagree, Senator. They voted for me. They sent in votes to people like you, and they counted then. If they didn't how else can you explain my status here in Colorado and elsewhere in the world ? It's good to be loved. It's good to be me.
Sen. Salazar: ( taken aback ) Point taken, Mr. Stegosaurus.
Tim Russert: We are nearing the end of time for our debate this evening, Gentlemen. Do you have any closing statements ? Let's begin with Senator Salazar. Senator, you have two minutes.
Sen. Salazar I think my experience and existing record speak for themselves, ladies and gentlemen. While Stegosaurus' lack of record on the environment speaks with a volume as big as he is. I know Stegosaurus is popular and loved here in Colorado, but I just don't think he has the experience to lead. I ask for the consideration of your vote.
Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, your closing statement, please ?"
Mr. Stegosaurus: I may not have a voting record, but I do have an Opera record ... I promise to work very hard for the people of Colorado. Everyone in Colorado who does not have a spiky tail will be given a plow, and all the trees they can eat. Please vote for me.
Ken Salazar is seen shaking his head
Tim Russert: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Thank you for listening to our debate tonight between Senator Ken Salazar, D. - Colo., and his large, lovable challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus. This is Tim Russert of NBC News signing off from outside the Chautauqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado. Good night.
Tim Russert : Welcome, and good evening. We are with you outside the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado and you are about to hear the long awaited debate between Senator Ken Salazar, incumbent Democrat of Colorado, and his challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus... We are outside because one of the candidates in tonight's debate happens to be 9 feet tall and 30 feet long ! I am NBC's Tim Russert, moderator of Meet The Press, and I will moderate this debate this evening. Welcome, Gentlemen. "
Sen. Salazar: Thank you, Tim.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Thank you, Tim
Tim Russert: Okay, we will have the standard debate format this evening. When asked a question, the candidate will have two minutes to respond, and two minutes will be allowed for rebuttal. When you hear the buzzer, your two minutes are up. All right ?"
Sen. Salazar: Yes.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes.
Tim Russert:: All right Senator Salazar shall ask the first question.
Sen. Salazar: Mr. Stegosaurus, there seem to be some controversies in your campaign. If I may address one that concerns me most, I want you to know that I have served as Colorado's executive director of Natural Resources and the natural beauty of my State concerns me very much. Can you answer questions that have popped up regarding your environmental record? You claim to be a friend to the environment and its conservation, yet you have been photographed on numerous occassions actually eating trees. Please explain how eating trees preserves the environment.
Mr. Stegosaurus: Let me assure you, Senator, that I mean very well .....I love trees. I am a gardener, and have published a book on gardening. It's just that they taste so good ! I am 6, 801 tons, and a dinosaur has to eat !
Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?
Sen. Salazar: I don't want you to starve, but I do love my Colorado with trees. I wrote and championed a constitutional amendment creating Great Outdoors Colorado, and it is the most successful in the history of this State. My question, may I be allowed my question Mr. Russert ?"
Tim Russert: Uh, yes, Senator.
Sen. Salazar ( nods politely ) " Your own record shows that you have eaten trees and in fact gained 601 tons and a degree in HORTICULTURE CONSUMPTION I know you're a member of the Green Party, and they generally have a positive environmental record, but you...can you tell me anything you have done positive for the environment ? I understand that even your party faithful have some questions."
Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, you have two minutes.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I tried to control myself by eating extinct trees once; I went to Bedford Virginia during finals week before I graduated and tried to eat some trees that the Gypsy Moth had made extinct,, but they really didn't taste good, and, well, I accidentially knocked over some living trees with my tail or stomped on them. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It takes a lot to fill up a dinosaur when he's 6,801 tons. Fortuantely my failure there wasn't enough to deny my degree.
Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?
Sen. Salazar: The road to political disaster is paved with good intentions, Mr. Stegosaurus. I do not see that you have any positive environmental record.
Tim Russert: Your question, Mr. Stegosaurus ...
Stegosaurus looks at his podium
Mr. Stegosaurus Hey, is this podium made of real trees ? Is your podium made of real trees ?
Sen. Salazar: Yes, it is, Mr. Stegosaurus. They both are. So is Mr. Russert's. I don't see where that comes into the que.."
Stegosaurus eats his podium
Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes, kind of processed, but it was real trees.
Sen. Salazar Don't eat my podium, Mr. Stegosaurus ...but do you see what I mean, Mr. Russert ? This only proves my point. My opponet has No positive environmental record to speak of ! He can't even stop eating trees or anything made of wood !!
Tim Russert stands at his podium saying nothing with a grin on his face.
Sen. Salazar: What exactly do you think makes you electable, Mr. Stegosaurus ?
Mr. Stegosaurus I have 17 spiff yellow plates and a really cool spiky tail ! Would you like me to show you how I can use it as a plow ?"
Sen. Salazar:: No, no, that won't be necessary... I am a farmer. I know how to plow.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I also have the love and support of millions of children everywhere !
Sen. Salazar This is because you are our State foss... dinosaur. You have been our state dinosaur for over 20 years. I respect your position and popularity. But, with all due respect, Mr. Stegosaurus, children, I love children, but they can't vote.
Mr. Stegosaurus: I respectfully disagree, Senator. They voted for me. They sent in votes to people like you, and they counted then. If they didn't how else can you explain my status here in Colorado and elsewhere in the world ? It's good to be loved. It's good to be me.
Sen. Salazar: ( taken aback ) Point taken, Mr. Stegosaurus.
Tim Russert: We are nearing the end of time for our debate this evening, Gentlemen. Do you have any closing statements ? Let's begin with Senator Salazar. Senator, you have two minutes.
Sen. Salazar I think my experience and existing record speak for themselves, ladies and gentlemen. While Stegosaurus' lack of record on the environment speaks with a volume as big as he is. I know Stegosaurus is popular and loved here in Colorado, but I just don't think he has the experience to lead. I ask for the consideration of your vote.
Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, your closing statement, please ?"
Mr. Stegosaurus: I may not have a voting record, but I do have an Opera record ... I promise to work very hard for the people of Colorado. Everyone in Colorado who does not have a spiky tail will be given a plow, and all the trees they can eat. Please vote for me.
Ken Salazar is seen shaking his head
Tim Russert: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Thank you for listening to our debate tonight between Senator Ken Salazar, D. - Colo., and his large, lovable challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus. This is Tim Russert of NBC News signing off from outside the Chautauqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado. Good night.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
From Boulder, Colorado this morning, Stegosaurus held a press confrence and made the following statement regarding the passing of the famed Italian tenor, Luciano Pavarotti :
" It is not a good morning. How terribly sad that Mr. Pavarotti is extinct; he was a very nice fellow and I enjoyed working with him on my platinum wax cylinder Stegosaurus Goes Opera ...
I shall miss him terribly. I think I'll console myself by eating a nice meal of aloe plants. Aloe plants and spaghetti. "
" It is not a good morning. How terribly sad that Mr. Pavarotti is extinct; he was a very nice fellow and I enjoyed working with him on my platinum wax cylinder Stegosaurus Goes Opera ...
I shall miss him terribly. I think I'll console myself by eating a nice meal of aloe plants. Aloe plants and spaghetti. "
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I'm back home again after a quick trip to the State of California, " said Stegosaurus. I hadn't planned on it so soon after returning from Africa and France, but the trip became necessary when on my last day in Paris my good cousin Lexovissaurus told me he'd discovered something I was determined to disprove.
My good cousin told me,
" J'ai trouvé la nécrologie de Marilyn Maxwell sur l'internet! Mon vieux, abandonne cette folie! Elle est disparue ! Le petit déjeuner est servi, viens manger une omelette au fromage avec moi."
While eating our omelete with cheese, I told him he shouldn't believe everything he reads on the internet ! Even I know that, even with a brain the size of a walnut I know better. I told him I would go to California and find Marilyn Maxwell, and that would prove that she was alive. I made a deal to bring him back her autograph.
When I arrived in California I found many things to distract me; First of all I enjoyed the warm weather, and I ate every palm tree I could find ! Oh, were they good ! I went to San Francisco where I met a group of homosexual people who were so kind as to compliment me on my recent plate lift, claw manicure and pedicure. They regretted I had no hair, otherwise they'd offer to let me wear a flower; I confessed I would probably eat the flower anyway. I left them disappointed.
I thought maybe I should look up my old friend Tony Bennett; since I was in San Francisco maybe I could help him find his heart; I know he's been saying for years and years that he left it here somewhere, but then I remembered that I had come here to find lovely Marilyn Maxwell. So being tired from walking up all those hills, ( as I am far too big for those little cable cars, ) I went to the pacific and rested my claws in the water.
I saw a few young people trying to ride the water on little boards; they called this surfing, and it looks like a great deal of fun, but again I was too big for their equiptment. In the end I decided that I'll leave the swimming to my friends Ichthyosaurus and plesiosaurus. I tried to teach my surfer friends the lindy hop, but when my feet started stomping around and I swung my tail about I frightened them away.
I felt bad about that, but it reminded me I was on a quest to find Marllyn Maxwell. Having rested my claws I set off again for Hollywood, but before I got there I was distracted by the famous Playboy Mansion. I had to stop in and visit my old friend Mr. Hugh Hefner; I will always be in debt to him for financing the restoration of my cinema debut, The Lost World; even if none of my scenes were lost. So I stopped by and drank martinis with Hef, while relaxing to the music of David Dorn, Bob James, and the Ramsey Lewis Trio. I wanted to ask Hef if he'd seen Marilyn Maxwell about, but before I could ask him, I was distracted by a couple of playmates. I tried to teach the lindy hop to Miss July and Miss August, who to their credit were not afraid of me. They were rather amused and had a great time.
While I was there, Hef was visited by his friend Ron Jeremy, and an interesting proposal was suggested when we put our heads together. Would I like to star in a softcore pornography movie ? Mr. Jeremy asked.
Well, I've done many things in the movie industry over the years, as I've documented; and I do have a brief nude scene in the original Godzilla film, if you look closely.... ( don't blink or you'll miss it ) but I hadn't done anything like that before... and you know what, there's a first time for everything. I'm always up to trying new things. I asked Hef if he thought Marilyn Maxwell would mind, and he reminded me that she'd done a short lived burleseque show around 1968. This alleviated my concerns and we went ahead with the stegosaurus porn photo shoot.
We had fun doing it, and filming will commence in the fall, when we've cast my leading lady, and I return from political business in Colorado. I'll let you know how things progress. Just keep watching my blog !
As much fun as it was at the Playboy Mansion, I eventually remembered my quest. I wanted to find Marilyn at last, and prove my cousin wrong. As much as I love him, I was determined to prove him wrong.
Bidding good day to Hef and Ron, I went on my way in quest of my one true love, Marilyn Maxwell. In the back of my mind, I began to fear that maybe Lexovissaurus was right; I couldn't find Marilyn anywhere.
I made it to Hollywood at last, and looked everywhere I could think of. I found a lot of friends there, mostly in the Screen Actors' Guild ; I spent an afternoon with my buddies Issac Hayes and George Clinton, who took the time to teach me how to be cool. And for the second time I regretted I had no hair; everytime I hang out with George I wish I had coloured dreadlocks like his. In spite of my lack of hair, my two friends helped to add a little more funk into my dance steps.
Eventually I swaggered my way up to visit my old friends Dolores Hope and Katherine Grant - Crosby. I resolved that if anyone knew the whereabouts of Marilyn Maxwell it would be them.
They were happy to see me; and we spent a pleasant afternoon sipping tea and reminiscing over old times.
I looked around both homes for Bob and Bing, as I wanted to talk to them very much; but I didn't see them around. I asked my friends about Marilyn's whereabouts, but they both told me, " Stegosaurus, she has gone with Bing and Bob. "
" That explains it, " says I. And they were surprised. " You aren't sad ?" asked Dolores.
"No, I am not, for my quest is at an end, " I rejoined to my legendary interlocutoress.
" Stegosaurus, let me explain, " said Katherine Grant - Crosby, but I was so excited over the success of my mission that I said, " There is no need; I understand it all ; everything makes sense now. My only regret is that I cannot bring back an autograph for my cousin. "
" I know you are too late, " said Dolores in a sympathetic tone. I do not understand why she spoke in such a manner, but I was in too much of a hurry to return home and inform my cousin of my discovery.
Upon my return I sent my cousin an email explaining the situation, as to why I felt Marilyn was alive, but I could not bring him an autograph.
" Both Bing and Bob are not at home either, " said I. " Dolores Hope told me that Marilyn has gone with Bing and Bob, and so it is obvious since they aren't home right now... they must be on a USO tour together ! It's the only logical explanation ! I confess, there were times I feared you might be right, Lexovissaurus, the truth took so long to discover, but it seems to me that the sources I have are reliable, and I have no reason to doubt their honesty." And to his credit, even without Marilyn's autograph, Lexovissaurus believes me.
My good cousin told me,
" J'ai trouvé la nécrologie de Marilyn Maxwell sur l'internet! Mon vieux, abandonne cette folie! Elle est disparue ! Le petit déjeuner est servi, viens manger une omelette au fromage avec moi."
While eating our omelete with cheese, I told him he shouldn't believe everything he reads on the internet ! Even I know that, even with a brain the size of a walnut I know better. I told him I would go to California and find Marilyn Maxwell, and that would prove that she was alive. I made a deal to bring him back her autograph.
When I arrived in California I found many things to distract me; First of all I enjoyed the warm weather, and I ate every palm tree I could find ! Oh, were they good ! I went to San Francisco where I met a group of homosexual people who were so kind as to compliment me on my recent plate lift, claw manicure and pedicure. They regretted I had no hair, otherwise they'd offer to let me wear a flower; I confessed I would probably eat the flower anyway. I left them disappointed.
I thought maybe I should look up my old friend Tony Bennett; since I was in San Francisco maybe I could help him find his heart; I know he's been saying for years and years that he left it here somewhere, but then I remembered that I had come here to find lovely Marilyn Maxwell. So being tired from walking up all those hills, ( as I am far too big for those little cable cars, ) I went to the pacific and rested my claws in the water.
I saw a few young people trying to ride the water on little boards; they called this surfing, and it looks like a great deal of fun, but again I was too big for their equiptment. In the end I decided that I'll leave the swimming to my friends Ichthyosaurus and plesiosaurus. I tried to teach my surfer friends the lindy hop, but when my feet started stomping around and I swung my tail about I frightened them away.
I felt bad about that, but it reminded me I was on a quest to find Marllyn Maxwell. Having rested my claws I set off again for Hollywood, but before I got there I was distracted by the famous Playboy Mansion. I had to stop in and visit my old friend Mr. Hugh Hefner; I will always be in debt to him for financing the restoration of my cinema debut, The Lost World; even if none of my scenes were lost. So I stopped by and drank martinis with Hef, while relaxing to the music of David Dorn, Bob James, and the Ramsey Lewis Trio. I wanted to ask Hef if he'd seen Marilyn Maxwell about, but before I could ask him, I was distracted by a couple of playmates. I tried to teach the lindy hop to Miss July and Miss August, who to their credit were not afraid of me. They were rather amused and had a great time.
While I was there, Hef was visited by his friend Ron Jeremy, and an interesting proposal was suggested when we put our heads together. Would I like to star in a softcore pornography movie ? Mr. Jeremy asked.
Well, I've done many things in the movie industry over the years, as I've documented; and I do have a brief nude scene in the original Godzilla film, if you look closely.... ( don't blink or you'll miss it ) but I hadn't done anything like that before... and you know what, there's a first time for everything. I'm always up to trying new things. I asked Hef if he thought Marilyn Maxwell would mind, and he reminded me that she'd done a short lived burleseque show around 1968. This alleviated my concerns and we went ahead with the stegosaurus porn photo shoot.
We had fun doing it, and filming will commence in the fall, when we've cast my leading lady, and I return from political business in Colorado. I'll let you know how things progress. Just keep watching my blog !
As much fun as it was at the Playboy Mansion, I eventually remembered my quest. I wanted to find Marilyn at last, and prove my cousin wrong. As much as I love him, I was determined to prove him wrong.
Bidding good day to Hef and Ron, I went on my way in quest of my one true love, Marilyn Maxwell. In the back of my mind, I began to fear that maybe Lexovissaurus was right; I couldn't find Marilyn anywhere.
I made it to Hollywood at last, and looked everywhere I could think of. I found a lot of friends there, mostly in the Screen Actors' Guild ; I spent an afternoon with my buddies Issac Hayes and George Clinton, who took the time to teach me how to be cool. And for the second time I regretted I had no hair; everytime I hang out with George I wish I had coloured dreadlocks like his. In spite of my lack of hair, my two friends helped to add a little more funk into my dance steps.
Eventually I swaggered my way up to visit my old friends Dolores Hope and Katherine Grant - Crosby. I resolved that if anyone knew the whereabouts of Marilyn Maxwell it would be them.
They were happy to see me; and we spent a pleasant afternoon sipping tea and reminiscing over old times.
I looked around both homes for Bob and Bing, as I wanted to talk to them very much; but I didn't see them around. I asked my friends about Marilyn's whereabouts, but they both told me, " Stegosaurus, she has gone with Bing and Bob. "
" That explains it, " says I. And they were surprised. " You aren't sad ?" asked Dolores.
"No, I am not, for my quest is at an end, " I rejoined to my legendary interlocutoress.
" Stegosaurus, let me explain, " said Katherine Grant - Crosby, but I was so excited over the success of my mission that I said, " There is no need; I understand it all ; everything makes sense now. My only regret is that I cannot bring back an autograph for my cousin. "
" I know you are too late, " said Dolores in a sympathetic tone. I do not understand why she spoke in such a manner, but I was in too much of a hurry to return home and inform my cousin of my discovery.
Upon my return I sent my cousin an email explaining the situation, as to why I felt Marilyn was alive, but I could not bring him an autograph.
" Both Bing and Bob are not at home either, " said I. " Dolores Hope told me that Marilyn has gone with Bing and Bob, and so it is obvious since they aren't home right now... they must be on a USO tour together ! It's the only logical explanation ! I confess, there were times I feared you might be right, Lexovissaurus, the truth took so long to discover, but it seems to me that the sources I have are reliable, and I have no reason to doubt their honesty." And to his credit, even without Marilyn's autograph, Lexovissaurus believes me.
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