C'est le Noël de Lexovissaurus ! !

Bonjour, mon nom est Lexovissaurus ! !

Mes cousins Stegosaurus et Kentrosaurus sont venu en France pour me rende visite pour les vacances de Noël.

Je suis heureux d'avoir des invités pour les vacances, parce que j'excelle au divertissement.

Ma maison est décorée pour la saison, et je laisse Kentrosaurus mettre vers le haut, sa paume à huile avec des cloches, qui est une tradition dans son pays.
J'ai également permis à Stegosaurus de décorer ma maison avec des images de Stegosaurus Claus.

Nous sommes tous tentés à manger l'arbre de Kentrosaurus avant la fin des vacances.

Mais à la place j'ai préparé un repas savoureux pour nous . Voici le menu:


Apéritif de Ratatouille avec de petits pâtés en croûte sages végétariens, et pomme glacée carottes.

Quiche d'épinards et d'oignon comme plat principal

Tartelette pour le dessert.

Quand nous avions tous suffisamment mangé, nous avons tous décider d'aller caroling à la
campagne. J'ai choisi toutes les meilleures hymnes de louange que vous voyez.
Naturellement ils sont françaises.

O viens O viens Emmanuel

Ding Dong Joyeux Noël

Le premier Noël

Sainte Nuit

Chantons Noël

Il est né le Divine Enfant

Les Anges dans nos campagnes

Petit Papa Noël


Nous étions fatigués de chanter, mais Stegosaurus voulais que nous chantions son
hymne de louange séculaire préférée des Etats-Unis, "Les cloches d’argent''.
J'ai consenti, parce qu'il est mon cousin et je l'aime, et que je veux
que Stegosaurus Claus me laisse des cadeaux la veille de Noël.
Kentrosaurus et moi ce souci au sujet qu’il est encore amouraché des l'actrices Américaines.

Mais nous sommes d'accord que la question ne sera pas discutée pendant les vacances.

La veille de Noël, nous voulons tout les trois assister à la messe de minuit et à une mystérieuse pièce de théâtre, avant de revenir à la maison pour se reposer douillettement dans nos lits et rêver aux arbres!!!!!, en attendant la visite de Stegosaurus Claus.

J'espère que tout ceux qui liront cette lettre auront de Joyeuses Vacances.

Lexovissaurus, Kentrosaurus et Stegosaurus, vous souhaite Joyeux Noël ! !

"Its tough being Stegosaurus Claus; hundreds of small children constantly pulling on your cool spiky tail and saying " You're not the real Stegosaurus Claus !"'

"I have declared," said the jolly old Ornithischian Stegosaurus Stenops, "...that since no one entered my carol contest that the official Stegosaurus Claus song will be "Silver Bells", with "O Christmas Tree" a very close second. "

Stegosaurus Claus has eaten the Christmas Trees; he has eaten 12 pair trees. He has eaten the Holly & The Ivy green ( both full grown ) he has even eaten the mistletoe ( without becoming extinct. ) and tonight he will drink milk and eat tree shaped cookies.

... And they heard him exclaim, as he stomped out of sight, " Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night !"

The Miracle of the Mummified Hadrosaur

From Brazil today, Stegosaurus Claus sadly observed that no one, not a single soul, entered his Stegosaurus Claus Christmas Carol contest.

"This made me very sad," said Stegosaurus Claus, "So I consoled myself by eating a couple of Christmas Tree farms. Fortunately this renewed my Christmas spirit, and I will still be able to spread cheer, joy, and goodwill throughout the world on Christmas Eve. The contest prizes will be packaged and sent to special people whom I deem worthy. I'll go back to making my list and checking it twice now. "

My cousin Kentrosaurus has written me to tell of the exciting news of the discovery of his friend Nigersaurus ! He is also excited about the prospect of a new dinosaur museum in Africa. He'll have lots of friends to talk to !

From Brazil today, Stegosaurus Claus announced with pride :

"Today begins the Stegosaurus Claus Christmas Carol Contest !
I am looking for someone to write a Christmas Carol about me. One to last the ages. One which shall be played alongside the classic repertoire. Just as near and dear to the hearts of people of the world as "Silent Night" or "White Christmas."

I have lived for at least 140 million years, and in all that time no one, not Franz Gruber, not Placide Cappeau de Roquemaure, not César Franck, not James Pierpont, not even Irving Berlin has written a song about me. I've done the research, and there are no songs about Stegosaurus Claus ! So, please help me out, and immortalize me in song !

The top three winners will recieve as a prize a plastic stegosaurus toy which can emit " authentic dinosaur sound" !! It is really cool.

These are the rules :

1. No filk songs. I do not want "Grandma Got Run Over By A Stegosaurus" .... I want an original song. Filk songs are too easy. If you can write music, it must be original music. Again, I want to avoid something like "What Stegosaurus Is This ?" I would like an all original carol about Stegosaurus Claus.

2. Send the name of your favorite tree, your name, and your mailing address to Stegosaurusmail AT Gmail dot com. Your personal information will kept secret and never abused.

3. The winner of the contest will be announced via email on December 15th, which will give us enough time to celebrate the song in the current holiday season.

Things you will want to know about me, to help you write your carol.

I am a Stegosaurus
I live in Brazil, at a workshop where I make toys for all the good girls and boys of the world
I visit once a year on christmas eve, and leave presents under your christmas tree. As always, I apologize in advance if I eat your tree before I leave.

You can tell me apart from the other Stegosaurids of the world by the fuzzy red and white hat I wear, very much like jolly old elf you may have heard of, but I'm a lot bigger than he is, plus I have a cool spiky tail and 17 spiff yellow plates on my back AND tail.

Merry Christmas !

ps. Also, Happy Hanukkah, because just like another major Christmas figure you may have heard of, I'm Jewish."

"I returned November 1st from Colorado where I was shaking claws with my constituents there," said Stegosaurus. "Now relaxing in front of my computer, I see questions submitted for an interview. It is a good thing for a Congressional candidate to be in good stead with the press, so I will answer all the questions honestly. "

1) Which do you like better: your "17 spiff yellow plates" or your "cool spiky tail"?

This is a difficult question, because I like them both so much ! My 17 spiff yellow plates make me attractive, and also regulate my body temperature. Even though I'm spoken for I'd hate to do without them, but by the same token, my cool spiky tail protects me when I am in danger ! Also, it doubles as a plow. It's hard to be a gardener without a plow, so I don't know if I could choose between them.

2) I could use some landscaping advice. Have you ever eaten a privacy fence? What kind of trees and bushes would you recommend?

A privacy fence ? That depends. Is the privacy fence made out of trees ? I'd try not to, but my appetite for trees usually gets the better of me, as I'm sure you've noticed. I would recommend Mountain Laurel, and / or Ivy. If it were me, I'd plant Hickory Trees. Hickory Trees would taste look nice.

3) I know you like to travel, but how do you get from place-to-place?

I walk or swim. I'm a very good swimmer, but I prefer dry land; travel was so much easier when the earth only had one continent !

4) Will you teach me the Lindy Hop?

Yes, I can teach you the Lindy Hop ! Just join the Stegosaurus School of Dance location closest to you ! Oh, and look out for my cool spiky tail; I don't want you to end up like Thag Simmons.


5) What made you decide to get a blog ? Is it difficult to write about being a dinosaur?

I may have a brain the size of a walnut, but I am very progressive and forward thinking. I could tell that a lot of people were computer savvy and had blogs so I needed one too to communicate in this modern age. It is not very difficult to write. I just wake up in the morning and do what I do. Eat trees and have tons of fun !

Thank you for interviewing me ! It was fun !

From the foot of Pike's Peak in Colorado, Stegosaurus held a press confrence yesterday to announce his latest endeavor.

"I have taken it upon my self to become a brewer, and I have after much trial, error, and industrious work succeeded in creating STEGOSAURUS STOUT, 5.9 % alc. vol.", said a jubilant Stegosaurus.

" This pleasantly bitter brew goes well with a meal of trees, particularly Maple Trees, as it was designed that way. To be served chilled, with Maple Trees. Have you ever eaten Maple Trees ? If you like Maple Trees you'll love Stegosaurus Stout ! I encourage you to enjoy but drink responsibly. "

Stegosaurus announces the discovery of two new friends ...

Futalognkosaurus

Unaysaurus

Today, Stegosaurus releases the transcript of his September 22nd 2007 debate with Sen. Ken Salazar, D - Colo., which was held outside the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado.

Tim Russert : Welcome, and good evening. We are with you outside the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado and you are about to hear the long awaited debate between Senator Ken Salazar, incumbent Democrat of Colorado, and his challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus... We are outside because one of the candidates in tonight's debate happens to be 9 feet tall and 30 feet long ! I am NBC's Tim Russert, moderator of Meet The Press, and I will moderate this debate this evening. Welcome, Gentlemen. "

Sen. Salazar: Thank you, Tim.

Mr. Stegosaurus: Thank you, Tim

Tim Russert: Okay, we will have the standard debate format this evening. When asked a question, the candidate will have two minutes to respond, and two minutes will be allowed for rebuttal. When you hear the buzzer, your two minutes are up. All right ?"

Sen. Salazar: Yes.

Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes.

Tim Russert:: All right Senator Salazar shall ask the first question.

Sen. Salazar: Mr. Stegosaurus, there seem to be some controversies in your campaign. If I may address one that concerns me most, I want you to know that I have served as Colorado's executive director of Natural Resources and the natural beauty of my State concerns me very much. Can you answer questions that have popped up regarding your environmental record? You claim to be a friend to the environment and its conservation, yet you have been photographed on numerous occassions actually eating trees. Please explain how eating trees preserves the environment.

Mr. Stegosaurus: Let me assure you, Senator, that I mean very well .....I love trees. I am a gardener, and have published a book on gardening. It's just that they taste so good ! I am 6, 801 tons, and a dinosaur has to eat !

Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?

Sen. Salazar: I don't want you to starve, but I do love my Colorado with trees. I wrote and championed a constitutional amendment creating Great Outdoors Colorado, and it is the most successful in the history of this State. My question, may I be allowed my question Mr. Russert ?"

Tim Russert: Uh, yes, Senator.

Sen. Salazar ( nods politely ) " Your own record shows that you have eaten trees and in fact gained 601 tons and a degree in HORTICULTURE CONSUMPTION I know you're a member of the Green Party, and they generally have a positive environmental record, but you...can you tell me anything you have done positive for the environment ? I understand that even your party faithful have some questions."

Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, you have two minutes.

Mr. Stegosaurus: I tried to control myself by eating extinct trees once; I went to Bedford Virginia during finals week before I graduated and tried to eat some trees that the Gypsy Moth had made extinct,, but they really didn't taste good, and, well, I accidentially knocked over some living trees with my tail or stomped on them. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It takes a lot to fill up a dinosaur when he's 6,801 tons. Fortuantely my failure there wasn't enough to deny my degree.

Tim Russert: Senator Salazar, your rebuttal ?

Sen. Salazar: The road to political disaster is paved with good intentions, Mr. Stegosaurus. I do not see that you have any positive environmental record.

Tim Russert: Your question, Mr. Stegosaurus ...

Stegosaurus looks at his podium

Mr. Stegosaurus Hey, is this podium made of real trees ? Is your podium made of real trees ?


Sen. Salazar: Yes, it is, Mr. Stegosaurus. They both are. So is Mr. Russert's. I don't see where that comes into the que.."

Stegosaurus eats his podium

Mr. Stegosaurus: Yes, kind of processed, but it was real trees.

Sen. Salazar Don't eat my podium, Mr. Stegosaurus ...but do you see what I mean, Mr. Russert ? This only proves my point. My opponet has No positive environmental record to speak of ! He can't even stop eating trees or anything made of wood !!

Tim Russert stands at his podium saying nothing with a grin on his face.

Sen. Salazar: What exactly do you think makes you electable, Mr. Stegosaurus ?

Mr. Stegosaurus I have 17 spiff yellow plates and a really cool spiky tail ! Would you like me to show you how I can use it as a plow ?"

Sen. Salazar:: No, no, that won't be necessary... I am a farmer. I know how to plow.

Mr. Stegosaurus: I also have the love and support of millions of children everywhere !

Sen. Salazar This is because you are our State foss... dinosaur. You have been our state dinosaur for over 20 years. I respect your position and popularity. But, with all due respect, Mr. Stegosaurus, children, I love children, but they can't vote.

Mr. Stegosaurus: I respectfully disagree, Senator. They voted for me. They sent in votes to people like you, and they counted then. If they didn't how else can you explain my status here in Colorado and elsewhere in the world ? It's good to be loved. It's good to be me.

Sen. Salazar: ( taken aback ) Point taken, Mr. Stegosaurus.

Tim Russert: We are nearing the end of time for our debate this evening, Gentlemen. Do you have any closing statements ? Let's begin with Senator Salazar. Senator, you have two minutes.

Sen. Salazar I think my experience and existing record speak for themselves, ladies and gentlemen. While Stegosaurus' lack of record on the environment speaks with a volume as big as he is. I know Stegosaurus is popular and loved here in Colorado, but I just don't think he has the experience to lead. I ask for the consideration of your vote.

Tim Russert: Mr. Stegosaurus, your closing statement, please ?"

Mr. Stegosaurus: I may not have a voting record, but I do have an Opera record ... I promise to work very hard for the people of Colorado. Everyone in Colorado who does not have a spiky tail will be given a plow, and all the trees they can eat. Please vote for me.

Ken Salazar is seen shaking his head

Tim Russert: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Thank you for listening to our debate tonight between Senator Ken Salazar, D. - Colo., and his large, lovable challenger, Mr. Stegosaurus. This is Tim Russert of NBC News signing off from outside the Chautauqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado. Good night.

Life Size Stegosaurus Statue

From Boulder, Colorado this morning, Stegosaurus held a press confrence and made the following statement regarding the passing of the famed Italian tenor, Luciano Pavarotti :

" It is not a good morning. How terribly sad that Mr. Pavarotti is extinct; he was a very nice fellow and I enjoyed working with him on my platinum wax cylinder Stegosaurus Goes Opera ...

I shall miss him terribly. I think I'll console myself by eating a nice meal of aloe plants. Aloe plants and spaghetti. "

" Good news ! " announced Stegosaurus early last week.

" I have reached the goal I set during my New Years' Resolution ! I am now 6,801 tons ! It must be a result of the verdure in France; their food is historically fattening, you know. I'm so happy, who wants to dance the lindy hop with me ? "

I'm back home again after a quick trip to the State of California, " said Stegosaurus. I hadn't planned on it so soon after returning from Africa and France, but the trip became necessary when on my last day in Paris my good cousin Lexovissaurus told me he'd discovered something I was determined to disprove.

My good cousin told me,

" J'ai trouvé la nécrologie de Marilyn Maxwell sur l'internet! Mon vieux, abandonne cette folie! Elle est disparue ! Le petit déjeuner est servi, viens manger une omelette au fromage avec moi."


While eating our omelete with cheese, I told him he shouldn't believe everything he reads on the internet ! Even I know that, even with a brain the size of a walnut I know better. I told him I would go to California and find Marilyn Maxwell, and that would prove that she was alive. I made a deal to bring him back her autograph.

When I arrived in California I found many things to distract me; First of all I enjoyed the warm weather, and I ate every palm tree I could find ! Oh, were they good ! I went to San Francisco where I met a group of homosexual people who were so kind as to compliment me on my recent plate lift, claw manicure and pedicure. They regretted I had no hair, otherwise they'd offer to let me wear a flower; I confessed I would probably eat the flower anyway. I left them disappointed.

I thought maybe I should look up my old friend Tony Bennett; since I was in San Francisco maybe I could help him find his heart; I know he's been saying for years and years that he left it here somewhere, but then I remembered that I had come here to find lovely Marilyn Maxwell. So being tired from walking up all those hills, ( as I am far too big for those little cable cars, ) I went to the pacific and rested my claws in the water.

I saw a few young people trying to ride the water on little boards; they called this surfing, and it looks like a great deal of fun, but again I was too big for their equiptment. In the end I decided that I'll leave the swimming to my friends Ichthyosaurus and plesiosaurus. I tried to teach my surfer friends the lindy hop, but when my feet started stomping around and I swung my tail about I frightened them away.

I felt bad about that, but it reminded me I was on a quest to find Marllyn Maxwell. Having rested my claws I set off again for Hollywood, but before I got there I was distracted by the famous Playboy Mansion. I had to stop in and visit my old friend Mr. Hugh Hefner; I will always be in debt to him for financing the restoration of my cinema debut, The Lost World; even if none of my scenes were lost. So I stopped by and drank martinis with Hef, while relaxing to the music of David Dorn, Bob James, and the Ramsey Lewis Trio. I wanted to ask Hef if he'd seen Marilyn Maxwell about, but before I could ask him, I was distracted by a couple of playmates. I tried to teach the lindy hop to Miss July and Miss August, who to their credit were not afraid of me. They were rather amused and had a great time.

While I was there, Hef was visited by his friend Ron Jeremy, and an interesting proposal was suggested when we put our heads together. Would I like to star in a softcore pornography movie ? Mr. Jeremy asked.

Well, I've done many things in the movie industry over the years, as I've documented; and I do have a brief nude scene in the original Godzilla film, if you look closely.... ( don't blink or you'll miss it ) but I hadn't done anything like that before... and you know what, there's a first time for everything. I'm always up to trying new things. I asked Hef if he thought Marilyn Maxwell would mind, and he reminded me that she'd done a short lived burleseque show around 1968. This alleviated my concerns and we went ahead with the stegosaurus porn photo shoot.




We had fun doing it, and filming will commence in the fall, when we've cast my leading lady, and I return from political business in Colorado. I'll let you know how things progress. Just keep watching my blog !

As much fun as it was at the Playboy Mansion, I eventually remembered my quest. I wanted to find Marilyn at last, and prove my cousin wrong. As much as I love him, I was determined to prove him wrong.

Bidding good day to Hef and Ron, I went on my way in quest of my one true love, Marilyn Maxwell. In the back of my mind, I began to fear that maybe Lexovissaurus was right; I couldn't find Marilyn anywhere.

I made it to Hollywood at last, and looked everywhere I could think of. I found a lot of friends there, mostly in the Screen Actors' Guild ; I spent an afternoon with my buddies Issac Hayes and George Clinton, who took the time to teach me how to be cool. And for the second time I regretted I had no hair; everytime I hang out with George I wish I had coloured dreadlocks like his. In spite of my lack of hair, my two friends helped to add a little more funk into my dance steps.

Eventually I swaggered my way up to visit my old friends Dolores Hope and Katherine Grant - Crosby. I resolved that if anyone knew the whereabouts of Marilyn Maxwell it would be them.


They were happy to see me; and we spent a pleasant afternoon sipping tea and reminiscing over old times.
I looked around both homes for Bob and Bing, as I wanted to talk to them very much; but I didn't see them around. I asked my friends about Marilyn's whereabouts, but they both told me, " Stegosaurus, she has gone with Bing and Bob. "

" That explains it, " says I. And they were surprised. " You aren't sad ?" asked Dolores.

"No, I am not, for my quest is at an end, " I rejoined to my legendary interlocutoress.

" Stegosaurus, let me explain, " said Katherine Grant - Crosby, but I was so excited over the success of my mission that I said, " There is no need; I understand it all ; everything makes sense now. My only regret is that I cannot bring back an autograph for my cousin. "

" I know you are too late, " said Dolores in a sympathetic tone. I do not understand why she spoke in such a manner, but I was in too much of a hurry to return home and inform my cousin of my discovery.

Upon my return I sent my cousin an email explaining the situation, as to why I felt Marilyn was alive, but I could not bring him an autograph.

" Both Bing and Bob are not at home either, " said I. " Dolores Hope told me that Marilyn has gone with Bing and Bob, and so it is obvious since they aren't home right now... they must be on a USO tour together ! It's the only logical explanation ! I confess, there were times I feared you might be right, Lexovissaurus, the truth took so long to discover, but it seems to me that the sources I have are reliable, and I have no reason to doubt their honesty." And to his credit, even without Marilyn's autograph, Lexovissaurus believes me.

Dinosaurs Got Cancer Too

"I have been away from my blog for some time because I have been on vacation, " said Stegosaurus. " I spent two weeks in Africa visiting my cousin Kentrosaurus, and now I am half way through a visit with my cousin Lexovissaurus in Paris, France.

He would like to have a word with you, so I am going to let him post to my blog. He's a cheese eating surrender dinosaur, but he's my cousin, so I love him. Ladies and Gentlesaurs, I give you Lexovissaurus !"

Bonjour, mon nom est Lexovisssaurus !

Mon cousin Stegosaurus me rend visite des Etats-Unis, et jusqu’à présent nous avons eu une merveilleuse visite. Il m'a invité à signaler sur son blog et me voici.

Nous avons jardiné ensemble, chanté l'opéra français, engagé dans la consommation d'horticulture, et discuté de la politique ; un sujet sur lequel nous sommes assez d'accord.

Je suis très fier des accomplissements de Stegosaurus, et je dois dire que nous avons un sort en commun. Nous apprécions l'opéra ; il préfère l'Opéra Italienne, et moi comme je vous ai dis l'Opéra Française.

Le Français de Stegosaurus a l'accent du Colorado des Etats-Unis, mais il parle assez bien pour un Américain.

Il est beaucoup plus grégaire que moi et il a accompli un sort de plus que moi, mais nous cultivons tous les deux les jardins, et avons une queue en épi. Nous sommes aussi, beau en frôlant.

Il aime le jazz Américain, et je sais qu'il a sélectionné Bennie Moten pour écrire sa chanson de thème, Le chiffon de rue de Kater. Moi je dois indiquer que je suis plus raffiné, je choisis la fanfare du Rondeau de Mouret de sa Suite de Symphonies.

Je n'ai pas voyagé aussi loin et aussi sauvent que mon cousin, mais j'en n'ai pas besoins ? J'habite à Paris ! !

J'ai essayé de le convaincre d'abandonner L'Américaine Marilyn Maxwell et de lui trouver une gentille femelle Lexovissaurus d’ici à Paris en France. Mais il est trop amouracher d’elle pour écouter la raison. Ah, que vais-je faire avec lui ?

Pour son cadeau d’anniversaire, j’ai payé la moitié d’un billet avec mon cousin Kentrosaurus d’Afrique et nous avons obtenu une fuite de station thermale dans la ville Américaine de Pittsburgh. Peut-être après son séjour là, il pourrait être plus attirant à une Lexovissaurus femelle ou peut-être à une Stegosaurus femelle en Amérique. Kentrosaurus espérait lui trouver une Kentrosaurus femelle en Afrique.

J’ai dit à notre cousin, qu'il n’écoutera pas personne. Je suis sûr qu’il apprécie le geste de son cadeau d'anniversaire. Vous devez faire quelque chose de gentil pour quelqu'un quand il célèbre une étape importante telle que 140 millions et un an. Il a suggéré que moi-même je devrais faire une fuite thermale, mais je n'ai pas besoin de ça. Je suis français et toujours beau, l'ambiance de la France ma préservé.

Mon cousin, il ne considérera pas même trouver une autre de son espèce parce qu'il est passionné par cette Marilyn Maxwell. Si j’étais d'années humaines et quelques millions plus jeune, moi-même, je la poursuivrais, mais je suis heureux d'être qui je suis. Nous, c'est-à-dire, Kentrosaurus et moi sommes très inquiet de lui.

Bon, maintenant je dois allé manger mon petit déjeuner, une omelette au fromage. Au revoir.

" I've been in Pittsburgh all week, " said Stegosaurus. " It's been very relaxing. My cousins Kentrosaurus and Lexovissaurus sent me a nice birthday present..... A spa getaway ! I'm at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History to get a plate -lift and to have my extinct skin exfoliated.

We already know I'm beautiful when grazing, but after 140 million and one years, I thought there might be some physical improvements made. My cousins agreed and sent me this wonderful present. It's been a very nice time.

When I return from Pittsburgh I am then planning a trip to Africa and France to visit my cousins so that I can personally thank them for this gift. I have a wonderful family. "



"Here's a picture of me getting my plates lifted; this nice woman is very strong. My plates weigh 50 lbs apiece on average !"

Baby Stegosaurus Tracks Found

" Today is a very special day, " said Stegosaurus. " Today is my birthday ! I am One Hundred, Forty Million and One ! There was a party for me held by my friends at WVTF public radio, where I recorded my platinum wax cylinder Stegosaurus Goes Opera !

Here are some pictures ! Life has been good to me I don't feel a day over One Million !"

Since I posted on this blog the story of my illustrious movie career last month where reference was made to The Stegosaurus School of Dance, many people have asked me about it and how it came to be. Well take a rest a bit. Have some fresh Adder's Tongue ( ophioglossum vulgatum ) on me. It's right from my garden and the last of the season... I'll be glad to tell the tale.

In 1933 as I said I filmed dancing scenes for the RKO film Flying Down To Rio, scenes which were sadly removed from the final cut of the film. However, during this time no less a talent than Mr. Fred Astaire himself gave me compliments on my dancing technique. I was so proud that I blushed; possibly even more than the time that Ginger Rogers kissed me.

You'd think I'd have taken up dancing right away. Why did it take me almost a decade to create the Stegosaurus School of Dance, you ask ? Well let me tell you. It was such a disappointment to me when my scenes were cut that it was some time before I could think of dancing again. Or maybe I just forgot. Since my brain is the size of a walnut I don't have much of a hippocampus. Anyhow, in the 1940's and '50's I was a frequent visitor to the island nation of Cuba. I would visit my friend Fulgencio Battista, who was at that time the President of the Cuban Republic. President Battista was a great man; we'd smoke fine cuban cigars together and discuss socialist and communist ideals. I was always a welcome guest in his home. His lovely wife Marta Fernández de Batista,used to bring me palm fronds to eat; she was such a sweetheart.

On one of my several visits to that island nation, I had the pleasure of also making the aquaintance of the legendary Madame LaZonga and her two latin daughters. It was 1943, and I was given Six Lessons With Madame Lazonga where I developed my hips and my knees. And by the way, she liked me, so the lessons were free.

Her confidence, and the confidence of her lovely daughters re ignighted my love of dance, and I quickly learned the seductive salsa. It was very effective in flirting with Ms. LaZonga's two latin daughters, who were quite adorable, let me tell you. They also taught me the flamenco, the tango, the rhumba, and the new la conga.

After that, through the kindness of President Battista I was given a plot of land where I founded The Stegosaurus School of Dance. It has now been in existence for over 60 years, which isn't very long by the way Stegosaurids measure time, but is very impressive for homo sapiens, apparently. There are satellite locations of my School based in Paris France, ( where my cousin Lexovissaurus lives, ) London England,Vienna Austria, Tokyo Japan, Quebec and Toronto, Canada, and the US States of New York, Virginia and Kentucky. I am on the cusp of opening a location in my native state of Colorado, which I am proud to say will be my first location in the Western part of the US. After that location opens in Boulder, I am looking to expand to Utah, Montana and California as well. It's possible that a location may appear in Portugal; that is being negotiated as we speak.

These are the dances that I teach at the Stegosaurus School of Dance :

All the above mentioned dances, as well as The Lindy Hop, which I love; It's my favorite. Also its derivative The Jitterbug, The Foxtrot, The Waltz, and Ballet.
The Polonaise, The Mazurka, The Galop, The Tarrantella, among others. To stay current I also teach The YMCA dance, and a little bit of improvisational " Rave Dancing ". I do not teach belly dancing, which I have decided to leave to the female Stegosaurids, or the Chicken Dance, which I feel is best left to the specialty of animals known as birds. I like birds and birdwatching, which is why I leave it to them. The Lindy Hop is my favorite dance because I like the idea of flying. I'd really like someday to grow wings and soar away, but I know that will probably never happen.

So that's the tale of the beginnings of the Stegosaurus School of Dance. If you ever decide to take up dancing, let me teach you; we'll have a grand time together !

" I am proud to tell you of a major accomplishment today, " said Stegosaurus proudly.

" This weekend I graduated from Virginia Tech with a degree in Horticulture Consumption ! It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be college educated and to prove that just because you have a brain the size of a walnut does not mean you are stupid... After all... " remarked Stegosaurus wryly, " It's not the size that's important, its how you use it. That's what matters. "

The final was tough, I had to eat so many different varieties of verdure. Even some I hadn't seen before in my entire life. But I passed with flying colors. During the final I also gained ground on my New Years' resolution. I gained 4 hundred tons ! Now I'm halfway to my goal ! Remember I want to gain 800 tons at least in this year.

They gave me my diploma in Lane Stadium, because at 9 ft. tall and 30 ft. long of course I wasn't going to fit into the basket ball arena.

The only problem that presented itself on my grand day was the fact that all the extra tons I gained in the last week got me stuck as I left the stadium !

It took some time for people to figure out what to do, so much so that I started to get hungry and breifly considered eating my diploma; but I controlled myself.

I met a very smart Austrian fellow who helped get me free. We put our heads together, and being college educated used the basic principles of aeronautical engineering to get me out of my predicament.

This nice Austrian, a Mr. Ludwig C. Gantner, then went to President Stieger and asked if I could act as an additional University mascot. I thought about what I'd look like in the University colors of maroon and orange.

President Stieger decided in his wisdom that I should act as a protector to the Hokie Bird, seeing as how, he said, " The Hokie Bird and Stegosaurids are descended from each other. " I do not know how he figures that, but I was not inclined to question him on the matter.

So imagine that ! Two great emoluments in one day ! ( I'm college educated now and allowed to use big words )

I am now employed as VPI's Hokie Bird Protector. If any one insults or harasses the Hokie Bird, or damages or defaces one of his statues, I will stomp on them forthrightly; or I will thrash them with my thagomizer !!

Stegosaurus On The Silver Screen

" Here's a clip from one of my recent movies, " Walking With Dinosaurs," said Stegosaurus." As you can see I'm a regular Laurence Oliver on the silver screen. Don't worry about the baby Diplodocus; he was unharmed and only playing extinct. "

"I just got back from a fun filled weekend, " said Stegosaurus. " This weekend was the 74th annual King Kong dinosaur cast reunion. Everyone was there. Even my friend Styracosaurus, whose scenes were cut. It doesn't seem like it has been over 70 years which isn't a long time as far as dinosaurs are concerned, but for humans its a lifetime. We had such fun !!

The whole thing made me very nostalgic and I will be glad today to relate to you the history of my long and storied acting career. I am sort of frustated with it, but resigned. I feel very typecast in that every role I play I play a Stegosaurus, and my dream is to one day play a romantic leading role. That would be a nice challenge. It's not a challenge to play myself all the time.

My acting career began the year I met Willis O' Brien, " Obie " in 1925. I appeared in his silent film masterpiece, The Lost World .... I only had a bit part, but if you look you can see me walking around. I didn't say anything, but then nobody did. I enjoyed it so much that I joined the SAG, ( Screen Actor's Guild ) and went in search of more film roles. I accepted a bit part in the 1933 RKO feature Flying Down To Rio with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. We had filmed this nice dance routine, ( This was about 9 or 10 years before I founded The Stegosaurus School of Dance, ) and everyone seemed to like me. Mr. Astaire complemented me on my dancing form, and Ginger Rogers even gave me a kiss. But then the director, Thornton Freeland, cut my scenes !! At the last minute !

I was so mad ! I wanted to stomp on RKO studios. Mr. Astaire begged me not to, Ginger Rogers begged me not to, and so did Mr. Freeland, but there was no way I was listening to him !

I did however, listen to a frantic Obie, who came out and begged me, he said, " Please, Stegosaurus, don't do this ! If you stomp on RKO, I'll lose my job ! " When I heard this, my heart went out to my old friend, because I knew he had been having a rough year, and I didn't want to make it worse. Obie said, " If you leave RKO standing, I'll put you into my next film. "

That next film was King Kong. If you haven't seen it please do. I'm still real proud of my performance there this many years later. I look really good in it and I've aged well.

Just so you know, it did not hurt when Mr. Cabot shot me in the head. Those obviously were blank bullets. You wouldn't know though because my acting is so good. All I have to do is lay there still. I'm good at playing extinct. I should have won an Oscar.

In 1939 I auditioned for the role of Rhett Butler in David O' Selznick's presentation of Gone With The Wind. I was so excited when I was told I'd gotten the part. I stood in front of a mirror for hours on end reciting the line, " Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn ! " I got so good at it that I returned to Metro Goldwyn with the highest of confidence. It was the big day. We were going to shoot the first scenes of the film, and I was going to meet my lovely co star Vivien Leigh !! I walked in, and Miss Leigh was instantly horrified ! I could tell it was because of me, and I asked, " What is it ? What did I do ? " Vivien ran out of the room, exclaiming, " UGH ! I'm not kissing Stegosaurus ! "

I was dumbfounded, but the shock was about to get worse. Mr. O' Selznick then came up to me and said gently, " I'm sorry, Stegosaurus, but Vivien is our star, and we must find someone she can work with. I'm sorry. We'll have to find someone else to play Rhett. "

I was deeply disappointed, but I didn't get angry with Mr. O' Selznick because they left me a nice meal of Georgia Peach Trees and Honeysuckle bushes. I also sensed their genuine regret. I'll bet you that removing me from Gone With The Wind is the hardest thing David O' Selznick had to do in his entire life. What a nice guy he was.

In 1940 I worked with Walt Disney on Fantasia. That was fun. I had to be careful not to step on Mickey Mouse. That was hard.

By 1978 my connections at the SAG helped me get a gig for my cousin Kentrosaurus, in Planet of the Dinosaurs, in which I also appeared. I acted in the PBS feature Walking With Dinosaurs. That was the first time I appeared animated by computer ! Wow ! How exciting ! I have also recently appeared in the third Jurassic Park movie.

Yes I am really very proud of my acting career, " said Stegosaurus. " Let's go to the movies ! "

It being the beginning of base - ball season, Stegosaurus reflects upon his brief career in professional sports.

" It was during the depression, " said Stegosaurus. " 1937. I was living in Chicago at the time and trying to find work just like everyone else. I was walking down West Addison Street when I saw a notice that told me about thte availability of a dream job, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Bill Veeck, the head groundskeeper at Wrigley Field was looking for an assistant ! I took the notice right away and went in to see if I could get an interview.

I did, and was hired on the spot. Mr. Veeck brought me into the ballpark and directed me to mow ( eat ) the tall grass in the outfield. " Now, " he said, " Don't eat ALL the grass, and whatever you do, don't eat the ivy I just planted on the outfield wall. " Then Mr. Veeck departed, and left me to my work.

I had been starving and thought that grass was the best I had ever eaten. Before I knew it, the entire grassy area of the ballpark was perfect for play. When I looked up, I was still hungry, and had forgotten Mr. Veeck's instructions about the ivy. As usual l let my appetite cloud my better judgement. So I began to eat the ivy.

When I was about halfway down the outfield wall, Mr. Veeck came in and he was very upset. He said,

" YOU ! I just planted that !! You.... I.... you get out of here and never come back ! "

I hung my head and tried to apologize, but Mr. Veeck wouldn't hear it, and I had to leave.

I was very sad because I loved that job, and thought I might appeal to the commissioner of baseball,Judge Kennesaw Mountain Landis, to get my job back. So I went to see him.

He granted me an audience, but in the end he rejected me. Everyone knew that Judge Landis was racist; he didn't like black people, and he certaintly didn't like Stegosaurids. Not even when he was a little kid. He told me, " Son, I don't know what Chicago was thinking, but you're a Stegosaurus, and its not seemly for Stegosaurus to play baseball. "

And he banned me. Just like that.

I am still sad about that sometimes, but I console myself by playing umpire at children's sandlot games.
Small children really love me for some reason. "

Stegosaurus Discovered In Portugal

Mammal Evolution Not Tied Into Dinosaur Extinction, Study Says

"I got an email address of my very own the other day !" exclaimed Stegosaurus enthusiastically.

It is stegosaurusmail AT gmail DOT COM.

If you email me, I will write you back !

Now I have a blog and an email address, too !

Sending email is almost as much fun as eating ferns and rosebushes !"

Stegosaurus prepares his last will and testament

Being of sound body and mind, ( even if it is only the size of a walnut, ) I, Stegosaurus, prepare my last will and testament today, March 15th 2007 at the age of One Hundred Forty Million.

I hereby declare that at such time that I should become a fossil, my earthly remains be donated in perpetuity to the Maryland Science Center, on the basis that they do not at present have a Stegosaurus in their collection. If they should obtain one before I am a fossil, I should still like to be there, because as we all know, two stegosaurids are better than one.

All of my earthly posessions, such as extra copies of my book Gardening Tips With Stegosaurus, my platinum award for Stegosaurus Goes Opera and my autographed picture of Willis O' Brien shall be left in the care of my love, Marilyn Maxwell. Should I outlive her, my posessions shall then be left in the care of my cousins Kentrosaurus and Lexovissaurus.

"Now this end is called the thagomizer, after the late Thag Simmons."


In Memory of the Late Thag Simmons

Stegosaurus is to hold a press confrence today at 12 noon, sharp. Here is an advance release to the press of his statement.

"I'm sorry for killing Thag Simmons. I know it was a long time ago, and this apology has been a long time coming, but I really am contrite.

It was an accident, I swear;

I didn't mean it and I didn't see him there.

My spikes are just really sharp and you have to be careful.

I'm sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused the family of Thag Simmons, even though they are all long gone now. Thank you. "

This is a picture of Othniel Charles Marsh, the man who discovered me 130 years ago this month. It seems like only yesterday .... the man has been like a father to me. He discovered me in Colorado, U.S.A. I have since been found in other parts of the United States, as well as Europe, Asia, and Africa. I really get around.

Thanks, Dad !

Stegosaurus went to the flower shop today to get some flowers for Marilyn Maxwell.

" I went to the local flower shop and got some Marigolds for her because they matched her hair, " swooned the love struck dinosaur. " But then, " he lamented," I got hungry before I could give them to her, and ate them. I went back to the flower shop with the intention of getting more Marigolds, but my appetite got the better of me, and I ate all of the flowers in the place. That made the proprietor angry, and he threw me out. "

Stegosaurus sighed.

" I then walked down the sidewalk to the candy shop and bought her chocolates instead. I hope she likes them. I don't think they're very edible. "

Stegosaurus Is My Second-Favorite Dinosaur

By Sherman C. Koltuck

The Onion
February 7, 2007


The bones in its face just make it look so cool. It's huge, its knees are awesome, and of course, it has tail spikes. I would be totally remiss if I didn't mention the sweet tail spikes.

Stegosaurus is definitely, solidly, my No. 2 favorite dinosaur of all time. No. 2, mind you, out of all dinosaurs. Ever. Even Ankylosaurus, though I imagine some of the so-called experts out there will find that pretty hard to believe.

Reason No. 5 for loving Stegosaurus is because it could regularly and easily knock down trees. Huge trees. Which is awesome.

Ranking things, like Stegosaurus, comes in second, right behind drawing, and just ahead of my mom, who's currently at a solid No. 3.

She's up from No. 5 after a stellar showing this past Christmas.

Run to your bookseller now and demand he stock the latest New York Times # 1 bestseller :



GARDENING TIPS WITH STEGOSAURUS

by, Stegosaurus

To Be Released Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Do you keep a garden and want to know how you can make it look more vibrant, more colorful, more alive ? Perk up your flowers, increase the yield of your vegetables, or how your spiky tail, ( if you have one , ) can double as a plow ? Then, you've picked up the right book my friend !

Stegosaurus packs all of the wisdom that a creature who has a brain the size of a walnut can into this self help gardening book for your benefit ! Just read this excerpt :

******

" When my friends stop by and visit me, they are often in awe of my wonderful garden. They say to me, 'Stegosaurus, how is it you keep your garden so full of the verdure you want, the plants, the flowers, the vegetables, and keep out undesirable fibrovascular life forms , such as kudzu ? I have tried everything I can think of to be rid of kudzu, and no matter what I try it keeps coming back ! I'm at my wit's end ! HELP ! "'

" The answer, my friends is simple. The easiest solution in regards to the eradication of kudzu and other undesirable weeds is simply to eat them. Yes, eat them. Did you think it was going to be complicated ? Well let me tell you it may seem complicated, but when it comes right down to it, its just gardening. Now I confess, that kudzu sometimes needs some help; its kind of tough and is not as pleasing to the palette as, say, rosebushes or lily of the valley. Kudzu is still quite good however, with a small bit of ranch dressing. Not too much; Kudzu only needs a touch of extra taste.

I find I must disagree with our friends over at Stegosaurus.org, who report that we Stegosaurids do not take dressing on our salads, but on the contrary I do, and I always look at kudzu as an after dinner snack, the hard candy of the fibrovascular world.

I hope this helps."

So don't delay ! Order your copy of GARDENING TIPS WITH STEGOSAURUS today !

Orders recieved before midnight, February 13th will be autographed by the author at no additional charge !

" Everyone knows Bennie Moten wrote my theme song, " The Kater Street Rag", " said Stegosaurus yesterday. ...." but now I have found that some kind person has written a nice song about me, and I really like it a lot.

It's so true ! I'm just like that in real life !

I do have bony plates on my back, and spikes on my tail ! What's really neat is that my name is Stegosaurus ! How do they know me so well ?"

My Name Is Stegosaurus

"Whoever you are, nice person, thank you from the bottom of my heart ! "

Today Stegosaurus watched The Lemon Drop Kid on TV, and has developed a crush on Marilyn Maxwell.
The love - struck dinosaur was heard to exclaim :

" I've never met her before in my entire life, but I do know we have one thing in common ! We're both extinct ! "

Legosaurus : Stegosaurus Made of Legos